Tag Archives: new york

Donald Trump runs over a dog; Rudy Giuliani calls him a driving genius

3 Oct

NEW YORK–hours after Donald Trump accidentally backed over his neighbor’s dog, Rudy Giuliani gave a series of interviews in which he called it “an act of driving genius.”

Said Giuliani, “Donald is the best driver any of us knows. He’s spent so much time behind the wheel that he’s the only one who can fix our nation’s broken traffic laws.”

Later in the day, Trump was eating a hot dog when he spilled mustard down the front of his shirt, prompting Giuliani to call him “a condiments genius.”

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Rudy Giuliani disappointed that “Americans are afraid to be racist any more”

21 Feb

NEW YORK–days after Rudy Giuliani told a group of Republicans that President Obama “doesn’t love America,” and then observed that the president had “grown up white,” the former New York mayor expressed his frustration that “it’s like no one supports racism any more.”

“Forty years ago, sure, we were mostly past the dogs and fire hoses, but you could still call someone ‘uppity’ without getting in trouble,” said Giuliani, speaking to a chapter of the Juan Peron Fan Club. “It’s like you can’t impugn the patriotism of the President of the United States without having your motives questioned.”

In a conciliatory moment, Giuliani, who at one point went more than four minutes without mentioning 9/11, also observed that “while President Obama hates America, and wants to surrender to the communists, he has a lot of good athletic skills, and can probably learn a trade or something.”

Gov. Scott Walker (R-WI), at whose fundraiser Giuliani made his original inflammatory comments, condemned the former mayor’s remarks. “Of course we’re all thinking that kind of stuff,” Walker said. “But we only say it out loud at closed-door fundraisers.”

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NYPD announces pilot program of arresting white people who commit crimes

5 Dec

NEW YORK–Commissioner William Bratton today announced a “landmark” change in the NYPD’s approach to policing, announcing a small pilot program that will experiment over the coming months with arresting white people who commit crimes.

“While I realize this departure from traditional practices may unsettle some, it is the next step in our never-ending journey towards equality,” said Bratton.

Starting January 1, the NYPD will start arresting “up to ten white people every week” who have committed crimes. The focus will initially be on serious crimes that can carry the death penalty, such as selling loose cigarettes, carrying Skittles, or looking suspicious.

Lesser crimes such as running over pedestrians while drunk or domestic abuse would continue to attract fifty-dollar fines.

If the pilot program is successful, the NYPD could expand it until “five, or even ten percent of flagrant crimes committed by white people lead to arrests,” Bratton said. “But that would be over a long phase-in period, of course.”

When asked if crimes such as illegally foreclosing on homes or misleading investors could lead to arrests, Bratton held up his hands. “Let’s not get crazy here,” he said.

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Bank robbery will lead to swift and certain justice, unless it is done by the senior executives of the bank

Chris Christie investigates own conduct in bridge-closing scandal; discovers that he is blameless

28 Mar

 

 

TRENTON–in a compelling response to critics of his handling of the bridge-closure scandal, Gov. Chris Christie announced today that he had extensively investigated his own conduct throughout and found out that “I did everything exactly right at all times.”

“I have exhaustively reviewed all available evidence, spoken to hundreds of witnesses, and reviewed thousands of documents, and I can confidently state that my own conduct has been absolutely excellent at every moment,” said Christie, denying rumors that he had been involved in the controversial decision to close several approach lanes to the George Washington Bridge in apparent political retribution against the mayor of Fort Lee. “Anyone who disagrees with me is doing so for purely partisan reasons.”

A month ago, Christie appointed a fiercely independent team of investigators and directed them to leave “no stone unturned” in their effort to find the truth about . The team included his lawyer, his mother, three Teletubbies, and a golden retriever named Winston. “These guys are the best in the business,” Christie said at the time.

The final independent report, more than 370 pages long, reaches the conclusion that Gov. Christie not only “was completely unaware of the closings,” but also that he has “dreamy eyes” and is “sure-fire presidential timber in 2016.”

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Christie reports being amazed at “just how great I did” throughout the bridge scandal

Silda Spitzer files for divorce; says she hasn’t read the paper in a while

17 Jan

NEW YORK—in a shocking development, Silda Wall Spitzer filed papers yesterday to divorce Eliot Spitzer, the ex-governor of New York. The news surprised and upset the millions of people who had no idea the Spitzers were still married.

In response to questions from reporters, Ms. Spitzer explained that she had “really fallen behind” on the news and had only recently caught up with the papers from March 2008, when the Spitzer prostitution scandal broke.

“I put down my yellowing copy of the Times, marched into the study, and demanded that Eliot tell me whether these stories were true,” said Ms. Spitzer. “Who would put up with that kind of behavior?”

Ms. Spitzer explained that her husband “did seem to be spending a lot more time at home than you would expect from the Governor of New York, but I didn’t really think anything of it.”

Mr. Spitzer was unavailable for comment. He released a statement saying that he was too busy working on his media career and possible political comeback, “because the public has made it clear they’d like to hear a lot more from me.”

Chris Christie shocked, shocked to discover petty political games in NJ

10 Jan

TRENTON—a contrite Gov. Chris Christie yesterday held a lengthy press conference in which he professed complete ignorance that his aides had engaged in recrimination against Fort Lee, NJ, after its mayor declined to endorse Christie’s re-election bid last year.

“I find it hard to believe that anyone connected with my office would be involved in any kind of obnoxious political scheme,” said Christie. “That’s not the New Jersey governorship people expect from us.”

According to news reports, aides directed the closure of two lanes of the George Washington Bridge in order to create traffic jams in Fort Lee. The lane closure was apparently a compromise plan after Christie rejected the initial plan, which was to burn the entire town and plow its fields with salt.

Showing his new, humbler side, when asked a tough question about his political future, Christie picked up a brick and prepared to hurl it at a reporter, but then thought better of it and merely berated him.

Anthony Weiner promises to send every voter “a photo of my junk” if elected NYC Mayor

24 Jul

NEW YORK—seeking to regain momentum in his campaign for Mayor of New York, following revelations that he had continued sending pornographic tweets even after his resignation from Congress, Anthony Weiner today promised that “if elected Mayor of this great city, I will send each and every voter a glossy, high-resolution photo of my junk.”

Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, Weiner admitted that he had “continued to take inappropriate actions” over the last two years. “Foremost among them,” explained the candidate, “was that I only shared Little Anthony with a select handful of ladies, when I should have shared him with the world.”

The issue resurfaced on Tuesday after reports by bloggers. Later that day, Weiner confronted his records and found that his last sexually explicit online chat had taken place not shortly before his June 2011 resignation from Congress, as he previously believed, but at 4:15pm that afternoon.

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