Tag Archives: Newtown

NRA calls for stricter penalties for murder-suicide

21 Dec

FAIRFAX, Va.—days after the shocking mass shooting at a Connecticut school, the NRA launched an initiative to prevent further killings by increasing the penalties for murder-suicide.

“We don’t need fewer guns,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference here at NRA headquarters. “What we need is an unambiguous message to crazy people that if you kill other people, and then yourself, you are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

When asked what penalty could deter someone intending to die, LaPierre explained that “advances in medical technology may make it possible to save some of these people. And then they’ll really be in for it.”

LaPierre also proposed a measure to give every US adult a Doomsday device, enabling anyone to set off an apocalyptic explosion killing thousands of people. He explained, “it’s just the logical extension of the deterrence doctrine that we’ve been pushing for so many years.”

Barack Obama announced that he would introduce a gun-control measure when Congress returned in the new year. “It will be just as effective as the climate-change legislation I promised you in the 2008 campaign,” he said.

Wayne LaPierre cuts himself

16 Dec

FAIRFAX, Va.—hours after giving a press conference in which he blamed the adult victims of the Newtown massacre for not carrying guns themselves, Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, cut himself slightly on the sharp edge of the podium where he was speaking. Looking down, he was surprised to see that he had blood on his hands.

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