Tag Archives: nfl

Tom Brady stripped of seven Tour de France titles

8 May

NEW YORK—as the scandal surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots continued to grow, Americans were shocked to learn this morning that Brady had been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The International Cycling Union announced today that in light of the NFL’s report implicating Brady in the deflation of several footballs, “We no longer consider Tom Brady to hold any cycling titles from any races, including the Tour de France.”

While Brady has not been punished by other sporting bodies at this point, many believe that his pursuit of the single-season home-run record, among other achievements, is now irrevocably tainted.

“It’s all up for grabs now,” said David Landry, Professor of Vacated Sports Titles at the University of North Dakota. “His Heisman Trophy? His 9.79-second hundred-meter dash? Even if the records stand, they’ll always have an asterix.”

Brady put out a press release stating that “I am innocent until proven guilty, which is why I sure wish I hadn’t just been proven guilty.”

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At the height of his career, Brady was so confident of victory that he would drink while cycling

Obama confident of Democrats’ chances in midterms tomorrow; also picks Oakland Raiders to win the Super Bowl

3 Nov

WASHINGTON–showing his trademark irrepressible energy and enthusiasm, President Obama today announced that he was “feeling good” about the Democratic Party’s chances in tomorrow’s midterm elections. He predicted that the party would retain control of the Senate and “perhaps pick up a few seats” in the House. He then revealed that he was picking the Oakland Raiders (0-8) to win this year’s Super Bowl.

“Look, I’ve got a good feeling about those Raiders, is all,” said Obama. “And if there’s one thing I’m good at doing, it’s anticipating events and responding fluidly to change.”

Obama outlined the Raiders’ “all but certain” path to the Super Bowl, explaining that first the team would need to win out (“which looks pretty good from here”) before knocking off his other AFC playoff picks, the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars, en route to the big game.

He did not bring the same level of detail to his prediction of midterm success, and would not be drawn into which Senate seats he expected to retain. “That situation’s a little less certain than the Raiders,” he explained.

NFL controversy deepens as Jacksonville Jaguars travel to Syria to fight for ISIS

13 Sep

NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.

“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”

The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”

The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.

NFL can’t remember whether it has kicked off the season or not

8 Sep

NEW YORK—citing short-term memory loss, the NFL today admitted that it couldn’t remember whether the 2014 football season had started last weekend or not.

“I’m embarrassed to admit this, because we like to think of ourselves as tough guys, but no one here in the building can remember whether we played games over the weekend,” said Roger Goodell, speaking to reporters. “Also, if anyone knows where I parked my car, can you please let me know?”

Goodell denied that NFL management’s memory issues and headaches could have stemmed from repeated blows to the head. “Who said anything about concussions?” asked Goodell, when no one had said anything about concussions. “I don’t even know what that means.”

An NFL staffer later clarified that Goodell genuinely was not sure what the word meant. “He’s all headache-y today, and he’s not remembering well,” said the aide. “At least, that’s what I wrote down here on my arm with a Sharpie.”

Goodell also noted that he couldn’t remember what stiff punishment he had given Ray Rice on his domestic violence charge. “I’m sure it was really harsh, though,” said Goodell.

NFL commissioner paid $44 million, “because it’s just so darn hard to get people to watch football”

15 Feb

NEW YORK–the National Football League yesterday filed paperwork showing that Commissioner Roger Goodell earned 44.2 million dollars, making him among the highest-paid executives of any organization in America, and by far the highest-paid leader of a not-for-profit organization.

“Roger deserves every penny,” said Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots and member of the committee that sets Goodell’s compensation. “We all know that football has struggled for years to get any cultural traction in the United States, and without him, I doubt anyone would be watching the game at all.”

Kraft went on to list some of Goodell’s more impressive accomplishments as commissioner, which include “Margarita Mondays” at league headquarters and the decision not really to do anything about the concussion crisis, the Miami Dolphins bullying case, or indeed, anything else.

“History shows us that when an organization has been extremely successful for many years, the best thing to do is take your eye off the ball and let things drift for a while,” said Goodell in a statement, wearing a suit sewn out of money. “I have no intention of changing anything now.”

A Seahawks fan prayer

2 Feb

Editor’s note: most of our loyal readership will be that we here at twissblog are Seattle Seahawks fans. This is due, first, to the obsessive focus on obscure political in-jokes, and, second, generally anonymous authorship, compromised only when we are recognized by our distinctive shoes when we slip out of an apartment wearing a motorcycle helmet.* Having said that, today is an appropriate day to let a bit of sports partisanship supplement our notional political nonpartisanship. Back to making fun of John Boehner tomorrow, I promise.

All the best,

twissblog

* See what I did there?

 

Dear Lord,

In this, the upcoming Super Bowl, where Thy faithful servants the Seattle Seahawks will play against the Denver Broncos, please, keep the Seahawks’ defensive line steady, and the secondary swift and high-leaping. Strengthen the arm of Russell Wilson and endow his receivers with fleetness of foot and sure hands. Gird the loins of Marshawn Lynch, so that he may break through the line and pile up much yardage, for Thy greater glory.

And above all, ensure that points rain down on the Seahawks, and that they do not turn the ball over to the Broncos, who after all have already won the Super Bowl twice, in 1997, and because apparently You decided that wasn’t quite enough, also in 1998, apparently because You felt bad for John Elway, which I guess I sort of understand, because he does look kind of like a horse. But if You give them the Vince Lombardi trophy again, dear Lord, then I will have to start wondering a little, You know, because I looked it up, and do You know when the Seahawks last won the Super Bowl? I mean, of course You do, but just as a reminder, it was NEVER. We have been watching this team for thirty-eight years, and over that time, with no disrespect, God, You have sometimes been kind of a dick about it, with Super Bowl XL, and telling Your servant Pete Carroll to ice the kicker against Atlanta last year, which because You are all-knowing and all-seeing, I can only presume You did because You had some money on the Falcons or something.

And please, Lord, You have done enough for Peyton Manning over the years, what with already having won the Super Bowl, and all those records, and everything, so maybe just lay off for this one game, and let him throw a few picks? You know? And to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure why You chose Peyton in the first place, because it wasn’t really that creative a decision, You know, when You were deciding where to hand out the football talent, to stick more in the Manning family. I mean, mighty Lord, I guess You were kind of busy back then, because I looked it up, and there was a general strike in the Congo the day he was born, so maybe You were busy with that and You just had this big pile of overdue quarterbacking to give someone, and You didn’t really have time to find some deserving baby born to steelworkers in Ohio, or something, and You just went to Your old standby, so I guess that’s okay. But really, God, I think You’ve done enough for Peyton at this point, okay?

Oh, and another thing, Lord, what was up with that cheap hit on Percy Harvin? I get that it is a rough game, but, really, when he was just coming back, Your will being that he get his bell rung by Rafael Bush, and then when apparently that didn’t get the job done, sending Malcom Jenkins after him, I mean, I’m not complaining, but it does sort of look suspicious, You know? Like You wanted him out of the game and kept sending Your thugs to make sure the job got done? And I can’t help but wonder if maybe You actually have something going here, like You are still mad for something Chuck Knox did back in the eighties, and there is some kind of curse? Because otherwise it kind of smells fishy, You know, God?

So anyway, I don’t mean to complain, or anything. In Your infinite wisdom, You will ensure that the right outcome will prevail, et cetera, on February 2, and, okay, I get it. But I’m just saying, You know? I mean, the folks in Denver, they already seem like godly people, so I think You’re safe there. But, You know, Seattle is right on the edge, God-wise. I mean, the Super Bowl could tip it either way, do You know what I’m saying, Lord? I really don’t want this to sound like a threat or anything, but if You are looking to shore up Your position in the Pacific Northwest, church-wise, I’m just saying it would be a pretty smart move to let the Seahawks win.

Amen.

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