Tag Archives: NRA

NRA calls latest wave of shootings “cute”

7 Jun

WASHINGTON–speaking in front of conservative groups here today, NRA leader Wayne Lapierre called the latest wave of senseless gun murders “cute,” noting that “everyone has to start somewhere” when it comes to pointless killing sprees.

“Look, that guy in Seattle was doing his best,” said Lapierre. “I mean, he was new at this, and the Pacific Northwest is tough for a kid trying to break into this game. And I think it’s just adorable that someone could open fire and only kill one person, you know? We should be trying to build this guy’s confidence up, not tear him down.”

Lapierre pledged that the NRA website would soon include a “tips and tricks” section for mentally ill people seeking to inflict maximum casualties. “I mean, I want these people to at least have some self-respect afterwards,” he explained.

Meanwhile, President Obama said that he would have liked to push gun-control legislation, but “the security of our free state is just too darn reliant on all these well-regulated militias.”

Following accident, NRA member has gun pried out of his cold, dead hands

14 Apr

LAWRENCEBURG, Tennessee—fulfilling an oft-stated request, friends of the late Bill Chesterson, lifetime NRA member, pried the gun out of his cold, dead hands here yesterday, a few hours after he accidentally shot himself while checking his ammunition.

“Bill always said that we could have his gun if we did it this way,” said his longtime associate Dave Oxley. “To tell the truth, he seemed pretty insistent on it. So I guess we just felt it was the right thing to do.”

According to witnesses, prying out the gun was surprisingly difficult. They finally released the weapon, a Glock 19 handgun, only after a blue-helmeted stranger wearing arrived in a black helicopter and gave them some pointers, saying he had done this “plenty of times.”

After Naval Yard shootings, NRA calls for ban on mental illness

17 Sep

ALEXANDRIA, Va.–the National Rifle Association today issued a statement calling for an “immediate and unconditional” ban on mental illness, following reports that the Naval Yard shooter had a history of post-traumatic stress and other conditions.

“It’s time to stop the bloodshed,” said the NRA’s leader, Wayne LaPierre, in a statement. “We need to take common-sense steps to ensure that no one in America is allowed to be crazy or unbalanced ever again, because those people are super-dangerous.”

LaPierre noted that the ban would be hard to enforce, but observed that “obviously, there is no other possible remedy to the problem of mentally ill people using guns to kill large numbers of people.”

As it has done in the past, the NRA repeated its plea for more guns in society, so that wrongdoers can be stopped quickly by passersby. “Imagine if, the next time you are sitting in a doctor’s office, everyone there is pointing a handgun at the person next to them,” said LaPierre. “You’d obviously feel a lot safer, right?”

Shortly afterwards, conservative lawmakers issued a statement saying that “now is the time to come together and grieve as a nation without politics,” and that “the time to have a serious debate about gun ownership is never.”

In historic first, ten-year-olds will have two-day waiting period to buy assault rifles

11 Apr

In historic first, ten-year-olds will have two-day waiting period to buy assault rifles

WASHINGTON—demonstrating his mastery of the legislative process, President Obama has all but secured passage of his landmark gun-control bill, which will require children under the age of twelve to undergo a background check before buying an assault rifle with a high-capacity magazine.

“The naysayers told us we couldn’t restrict gun rights,” said Obama, glowing with victory. “But this triumph for common sense will prevent young children from buying deadly weapons without at least a slight encumbrance or delay.”

The final bill is less aggressive than Obama’s original proposal, which would have banned outright the sales of fully automatic weapons to children. Most experts agreed that such a restriction was a mere pipe dream in today’s political climate.

“Look, my hat’s off to him,” said Bill Maher. “Maybe, years in the future, we might be able to build on this success and prevent the sale of cop-killer bullets to ex-felons who have made explicit threats against public figures.”

The NRA was clearly fuming after being outmaneuvered by the President. The blow was softened by a last-minute face-saving agreement which would permit the private ownership and use of tanks, artillery, and flamethrowers without restrictions. “But the background check still stings,” said Wayne Lapierre. “I guess this Administration thinks little kids don’t have any Second Amendment rights.”

New NRA report recommends arming teachers, priests, receptionists, movie buffs, children

3 Apr

WASHINGTON–the NRA today released a new plan to reduce gun violence by placing more guns in schools, airports, churches, medical offices, movie theaters, malls, grocery stores, government buildings, post offices, wishing wells, double-decker buses, frozen-yogurt stands, sidewalks, escalators, and miniature golf courses.

“The next time you’re in a crowded bar full of drunk crazies, and people start pushing each other,” said Asa Hutchinson, the former Congressman who produced the report, “imagine how much safer you’ll feel, knowing that they all have guns within easy reach.”

As Congress prepares to take up gun legislation next week in the wake of the Newtown massacre, Hutchinson urged them not to pass President Obama’s proposal for a two-day waiting period before a ten-year old can buy an assault weapon with cop-killer bullets. “That’s just one step away from Nazi Germany,” he said.

The NRA report asks citizens to imagine a future in which “everyone you see is only a few seconds away from spraying lead in all directions,” thereby providing “that sense of security you want for yourself and your children.” The 225-report then goes on to explain which guns are the most “totally rad” for “shooters of all ages.”

“Remember, guns don’t kill children,” said Hutchinson in a press conference. “Children kill children.”

NRA calls for stricter penalties for murder-suicide

21 Dec

FAIRFAX, Va.—days after the shocking mass shooting at a Connecticut school, the NRA launched an initiative to prevent further killings by increasing the penalties for murder-suicide.

“We don’t need fewer guns,” said CEO Wayne LaPierre at a press conference here at NRA headquarters. “What we need is an unambiguous message to crazy people that if you kill other people, and then yourself, you are going to be in a lot of trouble.”

When asked what penalty could deter someone intending to die, LaPierre explained that “advances in medical technology may make it possible to save some of these people. And then they’ll really be in for it.”

LaPierre also proposed a measure to give every US adult a Doomsday device, enabling anyone to set off an apocalyptic explosion killing thousands of people. He explained, “it’s just the logical extension of the deterrence doctrine that we’ve been pushing for so many years.”

Barack Obama announced that he would introduce a gun-control measure when Congress returned in the new year. “It will be just as effective as the climate-change legislation I promised you in the 2008 campaign,” he said.

Wayne LaPierre cuts himself

16 Dec

FAIRFAX, Va.—hours after giving a press conference in which he blamed the adult victims of the Newtown massacre for not carrying guns themselves, Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, cut himself slightly on the sharp edge of the podium where he was speaking. Looking down, he was surprised to see that he had blood on his hands.

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