Tag Archives: nsa

British spies report “undesirable nudity” in intercepted webcam chats; humiliated terrorists flock to the gym

28 Feb

LONDON—British intelligence has been intercepting millions of video chats and reports seeing “undesirable nudity” in 7% of them, causing a wave of terrorists to head to the gym to try to make their nudity a little bit more desirable, according to documents leaked here today.

“Oh, my God. I am so embarrassed,” said Kelsey Winslow, 26, who makes firebombs for a radical environmental group in Wales. “Sure, I’ve let myself go a bit during my time on the lam, but I didn’t realize it was as bad as that.” Winslow reports having started a rigorous cross-training program and says she “hopes the next leaked report gives us a better grade.”

Experts voiced concerns that the language of the report could lead to a negative body image among thousands of wanted felons, potentially leading to eating disorders. “Fugitives tend to have low self-esteem to begin with,” said Sandy Pearsall, a professor at Sheffield Medical School. “Being called names by the government is just going to make things worse.”

Not all surveillance targets accepted British intelligence’s verdict. “You call this undesirable nudity?” demanded Mohsin al-Ibrahim, 38, a member of a militant splinter faction in east London, sucking in his gut and flexing. “Look at the guns!” he shouted, kissing his own bicep. “Like pythons!”

A spokesman for the British government refused to answer questions, although, departing from his prepared text, he did note that “there are certain angles and lighting from which Mr. al-Ibrahim’s self-assessment is not entirely accurate.”

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NSA reveals it has backdoor access to iPhone, but still stuck on Level 372 of Candy Crush Saga

30 Dec

WASHINGTON–after a German news magazine leaked documents showing that the US government has backdoor access to every iOS device, the NSA revealed today that yes, it hacked access to iPhones on a massive scale, but that it still couldn’t finish Candy Crush Saga.

“We are appealing to members of the public who may have information on how to get rid of the frozen jelly in the corner to step forward,” said NSA spokesman Dean Arden. “Unfortunately our internal efforts to access this information have been unsuccessful.”

According to the article in Der Spiegel, the NSA has had the ability to remotely monitor iPhones for several years, and can even turn on the camera and microphone. The program was originally intended to track terrorism suspects, but was re-purposed when the head of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, was unable to progress past level 211 of Candy Crush Saga.

“In addition, it turns out most of what terrorists say to each other is totally boring,” added Arden. “I mean, we love preventing attacks and all, but you just couldn’t pay me enough.”

In response to questions, Arden clarified that the program had successfully enabled Gen. Alexander to pass level 211 and several others, but that they were still stuck on 372.

Gen. Alexander did not respond to requests for comment, other than to briefly glance up from his phone and say “Mmm” a few times.

Obama pledges to consider, then reject, limits on domestic spying

20 Dec

WASHINGTON–in a far-reaching concession to critics of the NSA’s wide-ranging domestic surveillance program, President Obama today promised that he would “seriously scrutinize” options to limit such eavesdropping, and then decide not to.

“Law-abiding Americans should be able to feel confident that the government is not listening in on their private conversations,” said Obama at a press conference. “That’s why I’d like you guys to forget you ever learned any of this stuff.”

Obama then held up a small black cylinder and told he journalists to “look directly into the lens” before an aide whispered in his ear and he put it away.

Obama then went on to state that “no one takes your privacy more seriously than I do,” which is why “we keep all your passwords safely locked up on a hard drive under my bed.”

NSA provides White House with intercepted talking points for Malia Obama meeting; “allowance” and “homework” key topics

4 Nov

WASHINGTON—rebutting claims that its extensive spying on allies had provided few concrete benefits, the head of the NSA today confirmed that it had recently provided the President with “critical” insights into Malia Obama’s negotiating strategy prior to a meeting on Sunday.

“POTUS entered the negotiations with full knowledge of his opponent’s entry and exit points, as well as the key arguments she was likely to use,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, speaking to reporters at a secret underground location. “Without electronic surveillance, the United States could have faced additional liabilities amounting to dozens of dollars each year.”

Sources close to the NSA said that by monitoring 15-year-old Malia’s cell phone and email, they had established that she was planning to ask for fifteen dollars per week, but that she would be willing to accept as little as twelve. She had also indicated a willingness to accept conditions around her grades as long as they did not require an A- or above in Chemistry, which the subject reportedly finds “super hard.”

Obama promises allies “20 percent less spying”

28 Oct

WASHINGTON—President Obama today promised America’s leading allies that he would reduce spying on their leaders by “twenty percent or more” in order to “increase your trust in America even further.” The offer follows outrage over the revelation that the NSA has been monitoring the private conversations of European heads of state for years.

“While the exact figure is classified, I’m happy to report that we will spy on you at least one-fifth less than we have in the past,” the President told diplomats at a closed-door briefing at the White House, sources report. Obama went on to explain that electronic surveillance would only be ramped up in case of extreme necessity, and then only after a detailed review process, which would consist of “me asking some guys whether it made sense, and then nodding a couple of times.”

The White House later released a statement explaining that Obama had not been aware of the eavesdropping until relatively recently. “The specific targets of surveillance are dealt with at an agency level,” the statement read. “Spying on allied heads of state and derailing decades of trust isn’t the sort of thing the President should have to get involved with.”

Sources in the NSA confirm that the spying, which has apparently now stopped, produced relatively little of value. Said one analyst who listened to hundreds of hours of cell phone calls from Angela Merkel, “it was mostly just a bunch of stuff in German.”

Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

Shocker: NSA admits violating Americans’ privacy

17 Aug

WASHINGTON–Americans were stunned to learn today that the NSA had violated its own rules on privacy more than 3,000 times in recent years.

“I’m really disappointed,” said Miriam Canarsee of Dayton, Ohio. “A giant, secret spy program subject to no oversight–if you can’t trust that, who can you trust?”

Keith Alexander, head of the NSA, apologized for the breaches and promised that they would not happen again. “We’ve made unspecified changes to our classified protocols that we administer ourselves in secret,” he explained. “You can hold me to that.”

Sen. Chuck Schumer asked several skeptical questions about whether the NSA was only collecting information directly related to national security. He then promptly withdrew those questions after Alexander made some unrelated comments about the website http://www.naughtylibrarians.com, asking “I wonder what sort of person visits a site like that?”

Obama promises to create “additional meaningless hair-splitting” to address surveillance concerns

10 Aug

WASHINGTON–seeking to dampen criticism over the government’s vastly expanded surveillance program, President Obama today pledged that his administration will “add as much bureaucratic complexity” to the system as is necessary “to make you folks feel okay about letting us do whatever we want.”

Specifically, Obama promised “another layer of toothless review” before wiretapping requests are approved. Under the new system, any government entity seeking data will have to engage in a “fair, open, and transparent process that I can’t describe because it’s completely secret.”

Obama also promised that “we will never, ever look at the contents of emails that American citizens send to each other within the country, unless we have a court order, have reason to believe there is a connection to terrorism, or are just kind of bored.”

“I think it’s important for Americans to have this debate,” said the president. “That’s why my administration kept the very existence of this program secret for as long as we possibly could.”

Edward Snowden asks Russia for asylum in “some country better than Russia”

3 Aug

MOSCOW – two days after being granted temporary asylum here, NSA leaker Edward Snowden submitted a revised asylum petition to the Russian authorities, asking for permission to settle permanently in “some country that is way better than Russia.”

“I mean, I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” read the petition. “But I was kind of hoping for somewhere warm, with a happening club scene.” Later, the petition adds, “No offense.”

The Russian Foreign Ministry seemed confused by the filing. “This is what happens when you let Gen Y leakers into the country,” said a spokesman. “He keeps complaining about the Wifi.”

The United States is continuing its campaign to have Snowden returned to this country to stand trial. Its assurances that Snowden would not be tortured were undercut, however, when the Federal Department of Prisons was found to have ordered several DVDs of “Gigli,” starring Jennifer Lopez.

Russia takes in Edward Snowden, showing longstanding commitment to free speech

23 Jun

MOSCOW–The government of Vladimir Putin, once again showing its longstanding commitment to supporting the underdog and defending free speech, confirmed today that it had offered asylum to Edward Snowden, the leaker of NSA secrets.

“When people think of Russia, they think of liberty, of the freedom to speak your mind, and of the defense of individual rights against the state,” said Putin at a press conference. “I don’t know what exactly this Mr. Snowden has done, but if it’s a free-speech issue, he’s welcome here with us.”

The United States announced that it had nullified Snowden’s passport as of this morning. “We figure that should make everyone forget about any so-called surveillance,” explained a State Department spokesman.

The FSB, Russia’s intelligence agency, confirmed that Snowden had applied for a job with them. “This guy’s resume looks great–he really knows a lot about surveillance,” said a spokesman. In response to a question, he added, “I think we’ve all had our phones off for a few days and haven’t seen the papers much. Why?”

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