Tag Archives: nsa

Director testifies that surveillance prevented dozens of “potentially catastrophic” threats to NSA budget

20 Jun

WASHINGTON–testifying today before Congress, NSA Director Keith Alexander testified that without the Prism electronic eavesdropping program, the country could have seen “catastrophic” reductions in unaccountable intelligence spending.

“If not for Prism, we could very well be looking at a series of downsizings and potentially even senior-management pay cuts that would make the 1990s look like a walk in the park,” said Alexander. “I’d rather be debating privacy issues today than explaining to my wife what happened to our second driver.”

House Intelligence Committee Chair Mike Rogers (R–Michigan) asked whether perhaps the NSA had gone slightly too far. Alexander started to answer with a hypothetical, noting that “if you had, say, a prominent citizen who occasionally visited naughtylibrarians.com, you might think–“. He was unable to finish, as Rogers quickly withdrew the question.

Alexander also had good news for civil libertarians who had questioned the program’s constitutionality, citing a secret Obama administration legal finding that the government can do anything it wants.

Booz Allen Hamilton offers NSA “Double Bonus Points” to make up for Snowden leak.

12 Jun

WASHINGTON—days after one of its employees revealed the existence of the top-secret, multi-billion-dollar Prism surveillance program, government contractor Booz Allen Hamilton offered to make it up to the NSA by offering it a book of coupons and an extension of its “Two-for-One Tuesdays” deal.

“We apologize for the poor customer service experience you received on June 9, 2013,” read a letter received by the NSA from Booz CEO Ralph Shrader. “To make it up to you, we would like to offer you two free movie tickets, redeemable at any Loews theater nationwide.”

Booz also offered the NSA extra points from its loyalty program, “Booz Bucks,” which can be redeemed for merchandise such as keychains and clock radios, or for the implementation of massive unconstitutional eavesdropping programs.

The NSA, while reportedly pleased to have received other merchandise such as Booz Allen Hamilton drinks coolers and stadium cushions, was equivocal as to whether the assortment of freebies was adequate compensation for Booz’s unveiling of perhaps the biggest secret the government currently has. “I think we’re going to ask them to make some changes to ensure their confidentiality procedures are just as tight as the government’s,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, head of the NSA. “For example, they might consider hiring Dave Petraeus as a consultant to tighten things up.”

Obama cites “secret evidence” as proof that surveillance program is a good idea

10 Jun

WASHINGTON—as controversy surrounding the secret Prism surveillance program mounted, President Obama mounted a forceful defense of the program, noting that “although I can’t explain why, you just have to trust me on this one.”

“I can’t share everything we know, but let me tell you, I am just absolutely correct,” said the President at a press conference. “Also, you should know that my political opponents are just totally wrong. I have proof, but I can’t give it to you.”

The press conference was made more efficient by the fact that the President somehow knew all the questions journalists were planning to ask, and was able to distribute pre-printed flyers with answers as each question was asked.

Obama said that he welcomed the ongoing discussions. “I think it’s incredibly important that, as a democracy, we debate these issues fully,” said President Obama. “That’s why I’ve kept this program secret for six years.”

At times, the President seemed a bit surprised by all the controversy. “I mean, we have other secret programs that are way worse than this one,” he explained. “If they’d leaked in the other order, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.”

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