Tag Archives: obama

Concern that slow pace of Trump appointments will delay start of the Purge 

20 Jan

WASHINGTON–as the incoming administration struggles to fill senior political appointments, some experts have expressed concern as to whether the country will be able to start the Purge on time.

“It is not as easy as it looks to organize 24 hours of anarchy and violence,” said former director of the OMB Stuart Raysan. “You need to have a communications plan, you need to get the police and military off the streets, you need to make weaponry easily available. If you don’t have all the pieces in place, you can end up in a pickle.”

Transition spokesman Sean Spicer attempted to reassure a press conference that planning was on track. “At the end of the day, we’ll have the people in place to ensure that our cities burn while law-abiding citizens cower in fear,” said Spicer. “Every administration has some teething problems, but ours won’t prevent launching the Purge on schedule.”

Also considered at risk are the administration’s plans for Thunderdome. “In Thunderdome, there are no rules,” said Raysan. “That means you have to revoke a whole lot of rules. There’s a lot of paperwork involved.”

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Donald Trump appears on The View to discuss yoga and meditation routines

3 Jan

NEW YORK–explaining that one of his New Year’s resolutions was to live an “even healthier lifestyle,” President-Elect Donald Trump appeared yesterday on The View to discuss his daily yoga and meditation routine.

“My body is a temple,” said Trump. “That’s why I am a strict vegan, and I spent ninety minutes every morning meditating and working through my practice.”

Pressed for details, Trump gave a detailed twenty-minute explanation of his yoga sequence. “My practice is mostly ashtanga vinyasa,” he explained, “and it’s important to me to dissipate any vata that builds up. So I start as you’d expect, and work up to upavista konasana, then a supta konasana, then a supta padangustasana, and so on.”

After his start to the day, which Trump prefers to do while facing the rising sun, “I will have some coconut water, or if I’m really hungry, a few lentils with shaved lemongrass.”

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Barack Obama “pretty sure” that Donald Trump didn’t plagiarize his 2008 convention speech

21 Jul

WASHINGTON–after a close textual analysis of both speeches, President Obama announced that he was “about 90% certain” that Donald Trump had not plagiarized his 2008 convention speech.

 

“We did a side-by-side comparison,” said the President. “And while we did find a few similarities, overall, I think they were pretty different.”

 

“For example, I said ‘It is that promise that’s always set this country apart, that through hard work and sacrifice each of us can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams, as well.’ Donald’s line sounds similar, but if you look at the exact words, he actually said, ‘If you don’t vote for me, terrorists will murder you in your sleep, and crows will feast on your eyeballs.”

 

“Also, his lines about Americans choking on their own blood–I didn’t actually use those exact words in my speech, even though you might have thought so.”

 

Asked about the similarities he did spot, the President noted that “We both wore suits, and we thanked the audience at the end.” He paused and thought for a moment. “I think.”

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Carly Fiorina worried that her vice-presidential campaign is not gaining traction

10 Jul

SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.

 

“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”

 

Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.

 

“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”

Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”

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Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

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Obama tries to think of something nice to say about Antonin Scalia

13 Feb

WASHINGTON–twenty-four hours after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama was still trying to think of nice things to say about him, sources close to the White House say.

“Justice Scalia was always someone you knew existed, even when you didn’t call him or talk to him for years on end,” said the President in an official statement. “He showed up for work, and owned a black robe like the other justices.”

Speaking later in the day, Obama added that “he lived in a house,” and also that “he apparently enjoyed Italian food, which I also like, although we probably liked different specific dishes, if I have to guess.”

“No one who knew Antonin will ever forget that his name was always a little tricky to spell if you weren’t thinking about it,” said Obama in closing. “And I think that may be his legacy to us all.”

  
“Without a doubt, Justice Scalia had reasonably flexible fingers,” said Obama.

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Jeb Bush keeps promise to lose the primary in order to win the general election

3 Nov

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—appearing under a banner reading “Promises Made, Promises Kept,” Jeb Bush today announced proudly that he was on track to fulfil his campaign pledge of losing the primary in order to win the general election.

“I’ve been rock-steady on this since day one,” said Bush. “We need to be willing to stay in the political center and lose the primary in order to win swing voters during the general election. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

Bush went on to hold up a large chart showing his to-do list during the primary. “Lose the debates–check. Fall behind in the polls–check. Lose donors and endorsements–underway,” he said. “Now we’re working on these right here,” he added, pointing to two bullet points labelled “Lose in Iowa and New Hampshire” and “Drop out of race.”

Although he was careful not to appear smug, it was obvious to the crowd that Bush was feeling pretty pleased with progress to date. “We just need to get to the convention without enough delegates for the nomination, and then we’re all set for victory in the general election,” he explained.

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A promise not to make the same mistake as John McCain and Mitt Romney

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Despite having exactly ten candidates on stage at the Republican primary debate, Fox News misses chance to form them into a human pyramid

7 Aug

CLEVELAND—in a baffling misstep, Fox News, despite hosting last night’s Republican primary debate and inviting only ten of the candidates, at no point even attempted to get them to form a human pyramid.

“I mean, I’m just completely mystified,” said Dave Arlesmith, a political columnist from the Cleveland Plain Dealer who covered the debate. “They had exactly the right number of candidates for a four-level pyramid—one on the top, two below him, three below them, and four on the bottom. One-two-three-four. Adds up to ten. It’s simple stuff.”

Party leaders were equally puzzled. “I mean, it was great to listen to the guys talk about their policy positions,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “But they just stood behind the lecterns the whole time. I’m not sure what Megyn Kelly was thinking.”

There had been heavy speculation before the debate as to exactly what position each of the candidates would take in the pyramid that everyone expected. Most people thought it would build up from the center of the stage, with Trump on top, Bush and Walker under him (or in some variants Bush and Huckabee), with Christie, Rubio, Paul, and Kasich on the bottom level.

Others thought Trump would be too vulnerable on the top level. “I mean, that guy is going to be eight, maybe ten feet in the air,” said Arlesmith. “You want someone athletic, who can land on their feet if the whole thing collapses, and also someone who’s not too heavy.” Arlesmith said he had expected Rubio, Walker, or Cruz to be at the top of the pyramid.

Arlesmith shook his head sadly. “I guess we’ll never know, now.”

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It is really not that hard

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GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
  
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

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New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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