Tag Archives: obama

Despite having exactly ten candidates on stage at the Republican primary debate, Fox News misses chance to form them into a human pyramid

7 Aug

CLEVELAND—in a baffling misstep, Fox News, despite hosting last night’s Republican primary debate and inviting only ten of the candidates, at no point even attempted to get them to form a human pyramid.

“I mean, I’m just completely mystified,” said Dave Arlesmith, a political columnist from the Cleveland Plain Dealer who covered the debate. “They had exactly the right number of candidates for a four-level pyramid—one on the top, two below him, three below them, and four on the bottom. One-two-three-four. Adds up to ten. It’s simple stuff.”

Party leaders were equally puzzled. “I mean, it was great to listen to the guys talk about their policy positions,” said Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “But they just stood behind the lecterns the whole time. I’m not sure what Megyn Kelly was thinking.”

There had been heavy speculation before the debate as to exactly what position each of the candidates would take in the pyramid that everyone expected. Most people thought it would build up from the center of the stage, with Trump on top, Bush and Walker under him (or in some variants Bush and Huckabee), with Christie, Rubio, Paul, and Kasich on the bottom level.

Others thought Trump would be too vulnerable on the top level. “I mean, that guy is going to be eight, maybe ten feet in the air,” said Arlesmith. “You want someone athletic, who can land on their feet if the whole thing collapses, and also someone who’s not too heavy.” Arlesmith said he had expected Rubio, Walker, or Cruz to be at the top of the pyramid.

Arlesmith shook his head sadly. “I guess we’ll never know, now.”

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It is really not that hard

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GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
  
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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Jeb Bush shakes up campaign team after polls show him trailing behind eating bugs, Stalin

12 Jun

Poll

TALLAHASSEE—Jeb Bush shook up his campaign team earlier this week after a new series of polls showed that while he was comfortably ahead of Rick Santorum and Benito Mussolini, he continued to trail Scott Walker, Josef Stalin, eating bugs, and smoking.

While Bush also trails tooth decay, his team expressed optimism, noting that “we think we’ve got an angle on that fifth dentist.”

Sources: ABC/Washington Post poll (Republican nomination), Levada Center poll, 2012 (Stalin), CDC estimate, January 2015 (smokers), Trident gum commercial, 1956 (sugared gum), 2011 youth election (Mussolini), FAO report 2014 (eating bugs)

In surprising twist, US Army invades and occupies Texas, after all

20 May

DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

 Greg Abbott knew all along 

Political humor bloggers beg Republican presidential candidates to spread out their announcements

6 May

NEW YORK–after a 48-hour stretch in which Carly Fiorina, Ben Carson, and then Mike Huckabee all declared their candidacies for the Republican presidential nomination, the powerful American Association of Nominally Nonpartisan Political Humor Bloggers (AANNPHB) demanded that the Republican leadership intervene to space out future announcements.

“Fringe Republican candidates are among this nation’s most treasured humor resources,” said Dan Winterson, Vice-President of Topic Selection for twissblog, one of the founding members of AANNPHB. “Three declarations in two days is just a tragic waste of potential. It’s like flaring natural gas at the wellhead.”

Another twissblog employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that acrimony had broken out at twissblog’s weekly all-staff meeting, when dozens of employees angrily protested the blog’s failure to cover the three announcements in detail.

“They’ve got a point,” said Winterson. “But there’s not much we can do. The party leadership needs to step in and make sure that the no-hoper candidates declare at least a week apart, so that America can exploit their deep reserves of potential for mockery in an efficient, environmentally sound manner.”

With Mitt Romney out of the race, and “a lot of the crazies already in,” Winterson said that twissblog was currently storing a supply of jokes in deep underground bunkers. “We know we’ve got to make these guys last almost a year,” he said. “That’s what makes it even worse to see events moving so quickly right now.”

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If you liked God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy, you’ll love One Nation

Noted libertarian entertainer RuPaul launches campaign for Republican presidential nomination

9 Apr

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).

RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”

While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”

Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.

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Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve

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