Tag Archives: obamacare

Republicans cite lower unemployment as proof that “Obamacare is forcing Americans to take jobs just to stay afloat”

3 Jul

WASHINGTON–strong job growth numbers and a sharp drop in unemployment are “further proof that Obama is leading this country towards economic disaster,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH).

“Last month alone, 288,000 Americans found that their economic situation was so bad that they were forced to take jobs just to pay their bills,” said Boehner. “It’s hard to imagine a greater failure of leadership.”

The unemployment rate fell sharply to 6.1%, “further proof, as if any were needed, that the Obamacare tax is making people turn to work as the only way out of their economic hole.”

The White House had no immediate comment. A spokesman described the President as “puzzled” by the GOP reaction.

GOP on missing jet: two passengers were signed up for Obamacare

11 Mar

BEIJING—the mystery surrounding the disappearance of the Malaysia Airlines jet over the weekend took a sinister turn today, as Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) revealed that two of the passengers on board had recently signed up for insurance under the Affordable Care Act.

“Although we cannot prove that this tragedy was caused by the White House’s misguided efforts at health-care reform, the math doesn’t lie,” said Cruz at a combined Tea Party/lobotomy convention. “Experts have said that the probability of two people getting Obamacare insurance and boarding a plane, and then having that plane crash, is less than one in a million.”

Cruz said it would be inappropriate to speculate on the exact mechanism by which health insurance could have caused the disaster, but noted that “crash” and “healthcare.gov” had appeared together in news articles more than ten thousand times in the last six months. “Everywhere we look, we see the President’s fingerprints on this,” he added.

In related news, the White House offered its condolences to the families of those presumed dead on the missing jet. “What makes this tragedy even worse,” said spokesman Jay Carney, “is that one of those passengers was supposed to make the final decision on the Keystone XL pipeline.”

Healthcare.gov lands on aircraft carrier; “Mission Accomplished”

2 Dec

ABOARD THE USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, ATLANTIC OCEAN—the healthcare.gov website today landed a fighter jet aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln today and emerged in a flight suit to stand before an enormous banner reading “Mission Accomplished.”

Speaking to reporters and the assembled crew, the website noted that in the two months since launch, its failure rate had declined from over 99% to “barely 15%,” and that a web-experience firm had upgraded the website’s usability to “barely adequate.”

“When this administration says it will deliver a mediocre outcome by November 30,” said healthcare.gov to the wild cheers of the crew, “it delivers.”

The website then handed out information forms to reporters that were entirely blank, and then noted that to commemorate meeting the deadline, it was changing the birthdate of everyone registering from Oklahoma and Tennessee to November 30, 1888.

Air Force One flies low over healthcare.gov rollout; Obama “shocked” by devastation

16 Nov

WASHINGTON–returning from a trip to the West Coast this morning, President Obama directed Air Force One to conduct a low-altitude flyover of the rollout of the healthcare.gov website. Aides said the President was “shocked” by the extent of the catastrophe.

“The President cares deeply about the suffering of the people in areas affected by the website rollout, and was deeply saddened to see how bad the situation was when he looked at it through the airplane window,” said a White House spokesperson. “He has directed his staff to do everything possible to provide relief.”

A shaken Obama later told reporters that he had “no idea” how bad it was until he flew over the scene at less than ten thousand feet.

“Obviously this was a completely unforeseeable natural disaster,” said Obama in a prepared statement. “But I take full accountability for the fact that we have not moved quickly enough to remedy this catastrophe that once again was in no way whatsoever of our making.”

Sources confirm that Obama is determined that the healthcare.gov debacle will in no way derail his ambitious second-term agenda, which includes completing his second term and perhaps losing a little weight.

Germany suggests Kathleen Sebelius run eavesdropping program

31 Oct

BERLIN—in a conciliatory gesture after several angry exchanges about US spying on her personal cell phone, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany today suggested that Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, could run the NSA’s eavesdropping program as soon as she finishes building the HealthCare.gov website.

“I think Secretary Sebelius is exactly the person I want trying to listen in to my phone calls,” said Chancellor Merkel. “It would give me great confidence knowing that she was running all US spy technology.

“Whatever,” said Sebelius, taking a quick break from soldering together two wires. She explained that if she could just get a few more wires connected, then the HealthCare.gov website would probably be up and running again.

Further attempts to contact Sebelius’s office were unsuccessful. Initially, one of the tin cans could not be located, and shortly thereafter the string broke.

Pioneering government “website” to allow people to buy health insurance “online”

24 Oct

WASHINGTON—the Obama administration, once again at the forefront of innovation, has a risky but innovative plan to launch a computer-powered “website” that will allow people to obtain health insurance using “e-commerce,” a revolutionary new way of buying things.

“The technology hurdles will be immense, but in the years ahead, we expect that literally thousands of people will buy things using the so-called-‘Internet’,” explained Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services. “Already, dozens of people have been able to buy health insurance using nothing more than a desktop computer and a mouse.” Sebelius was quick to explain that the “mouse” she was referring to was a computer device, not a real mouse.

Experts agreed that the government will have to invent dozens of new technologies that have never been used before in order to let people buy insurance “online,” and that as a result glitches and delays are to be expected. “But it’s not their fault,” cautioned one technology expert. “Nothing like this has ever been done before.”

Among the uninsured waiting to “log on” to the website to buy insurance, excitement was high. “Sure, I expect it won’t be easy,” said Dionne White of Jackson, NJ. “But that’s the price we pay for being the first to buy something over this ‘Internet’ thing.”

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