Tag Archives: ohio

Ohio man horrified to learn that “November” in political discourse means next year, not this year

8 Sep

DAYTON, Ohio—Tim Kardell, a claims adjuster with State Farm insurance here, has been reported in serious condition at a local hospital here, two days after learning that “November,” used as a shorthand for the upcoming presidential election, means November 2016, not 2015.

Kardell is heavily sedated and was unable to comment for this article. However, friends who witnessed his meltdown reported that he began pacing up and down, mumbling “I just can’t take another year of this” and hitting his head against the wall, before first responders were able to wrestle him to the ground.

Kardell was apparently hanging out with some friends who were discussing Hillary Clinton’s prospects in November, when he casually mentioned that “we’ll find out in two months, I guess.” He was then told that the election was in 2016, not later this year as originally believed.

While Ohio is not generally a focus of significant campaigning in the primaries, as a swing state, it will be hit heavily in the general election, and is already seeing some Super PAC advertising. In addition, Kardell apparently reported seeing images of Donald Trump on a television over the bar at his favorite hangout “pretty much every day for months,” which already had him on edge.

Doctors expressed cautious optimism that they would be able to revive Kardell. “Acute electoral poisoning is generally treatable if caught early,” said Susanne Wilcox, head of the Political Disorders Unit at the Cleveland Clinic. “We just need to bring him out of this slowly, and then send him to somewhere like Kansas, where no one bothers campaigning, until the election is over.”

Future of America depends on whether this one guy from Cleveland gets around to voting

6 Nov

CLEVELAND—as millions of Americans go the polls today, experts agree that the election will likely come down to whether Dave Brubecker from suburban Cleveland bothers to vote.

“We’ve run thousands of simulations, and each time it just comes down to whether Dave is actually going to swing by Lincoln Elementary School and wait in line for a while,” said Nate Silver of fivethirtyeight.com.

Sources close to the family say that Brubecker, a registered Democrat who told his wife Mary Jane that he would vote for Barack Obama “if I get around to it,” was thinking of stopping at the polls on the way to his work at the State Farm office here, but didn’t get up in time.  The same sources now confirm that he might go to lunch at Chili’s, which is close to Lincoln Elementary, and vote afterwards, except if Jim from Accounting comes along, “he’ll probably want to get wings and apps,” in which case he won’t have time.

In other Ohio election news, Governor John Kasich (Rep) denied that a last-minute state ordinance requiring voters to bowl a 200+ game as proof of residency was “in any way intended to suppress turnout.”

With campaigning largely over, Republicans and Democrats began mobilizing lawyers for the possibility that the election might end up in court. If it does, independent experts predicted that the most likely outcome would be for Obama to keep custody of the presidency, with Romney receiving visits on Wednesdays and alternate weekends.

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