Tag Archives: olympics

As temperatures climb, Olympics add beach volleyball, slush racing to lineup

16 Feb

SOCHI–with the usual quick-thinking innovation that Putin’s Russia is known for, the organizers of the Winter Olympics announced today that they would be cancelling some “minor” outdoor events, including anything involving skiing or snowboarding, because of temperatures expected to climb into the high fifties. Those events will be replaced with several alternative Winter Olympics events, including beach volleyball, “wading through slush,” and judo.

The inclusion of judo in particular puzzled many. A spokesman explained that, due to the late notice and organizational difficulties, the event would be open only to current heads of state of nuclear powers who lacked hair. After a brief pause, during which it was checked that Dwight Eisenhower was indeed dead, the criteria were confirmed.

High temperatures have been a consistent problem at this Olympics. “Who would have thought that holding the Winter Olympics at a beach resort could create any problems?” asked Lyudmila Goncharova, the Russian Minister for Frightening-Looking Athletes. “Anyway, it’s not like there’s anywhere colder in Russia where we could have done this.”

President Vladimir Putin issued a statement in which he said he was “delighted” with conditions so far. Inquiries later revealed that, unbeknownst to him, Putin was actually at a 1:1 scale replica of the Sochi Olympics built in northern Siberia and staffed entirely with actors. “Just to be on the safe side,” explained Goncharova.


US fifth in Olympics medal tally; demands more made-up events it can win

13 Feb

SOCHI, Russia—with the United States sitting a disappointing fifth in the medal tally, the leaders of America’s delegation began calling for the introduction of still more not-really-sports that we can win at.

“Every little bit helps—slopestyle, the varieties of snowboarding—but it’s not enough,” said Larry Probst, chairman of the USOC. “There are still way too many events like speed skating and biathlon that other countries take really seriously.”

According to Probst, the USOC submitted a list of events that it would like to see included in future Winter Olympics to boost the US medal tally.

“Ice football—that’s an obvious winner for us. Biathlon without the skiing would be okay. Competitive eating, clearly. Something connected to baseball that doesn’t allow Latin Americans or Japanese people to compete. Marketing. These would all be good.”

Probst noted that the fifth-place standing was particularly bitter “given the lack of any kick-ass Communists on the table above us.” As he explained, “it would be okay if they were spartan, steroids-to-kids regimes that sacrificed everything for sports. But all of the countries above us have universal healthcare and progressive taxation. It’s just embarrassing.”

Sochi Olympics opening ceremony enchants guests with barbed wire, cavity searches

8 Feb

SOCHI–tying together the country’s past, present, and future, the 2014 Winter Olympics officially opened here today with a moving ceremony that allowed guests to experience “the real Russia” in the form of bomb-sniffing dogs, intrusive body searches, and the extensive use of barbed wire.

“Oh, my Gosh,” bubbled Cindy Morgenthall of Teaneck, NJ, as an angry woman named Olga yelled at her to be quiet. “I just feel like I’m really in Russia, you know?”

The opening ceremony had promised to be “interactive,” and it was, with every guest receiving a complementary patdown and a once-over from an angry German shepherd. Said Dieter Hammstrom, visiting from Munich, “I love dogs! Although the biting was perhaps a bit much.”

After an exciting six-hour delay while spectators cleared security, President Vladimir Putin officially opened the Games by lighting the ceremonial pile of money on fire.

Putin says Olympic sites “almost ready,” calls snow camping “fun and healthy”

5 Feb

MOSCOW–as questions grew as to whether Sochi would be ready for the opening of the Winter Olympics on Friday, Russian President Putin said that “virtually all preparations are complete.” In an unrelated aside, he then spoke at length about the virtues of snow camping, calling it a “fun and healthy activity that everyone can enjoy,” especially athletes and their families.

“You can dig a hole in the ground, you can make a snow fort, you can pitch a tent–these are all pleasant and economical alternatives to staying in hotels,” said Putin at a press conference.

Putin also shared several anecdotes from a recent trip he took to Sochi, during which he lived off the land, hunting and foraging. “In every way, my visit was more pleasant than if I had come expecting to buy food in shops or restaurants.”

Putin closed the session by noting that, contrary to media reports, gay athletes would be quite welcome in Sochi, “as long as they are not attracted to members of the same sex.”

Team USA fans angry that Chinese medallists not “scary-looking”; demand return to Soviet rivalry

9 Aug

LONDON—as the 2012 Olympic games continued, organizers found themselves under siege from angry American fans protesting that China’s team, their closest rival in the medal count, was “not intimidating enough” for their tastes, and demanding that the Soviet bloc be reconstituted “to really get everyone fired up.”

“In the good old days, the Russkies would put forward 300-pound guys with names like Ivan and Boris—and that was just in the sprinting,” said Johnny Criltins, chairman of Americans For Pointless Nationalism. “The East German ‘women’? Totally awesome.”

Criltins and his associates at AFPN complained that the Chinese athletes “are just too cute and non-threatening,” making it difficult to invest the Olympics with completely unwarranted geopolitical significance.

“The top Soviet events in 1988? Wrestling, weightlifting, and shooting,” said Beth Torpel, president of the lobbying group Xenophobia Now. “I mean, you can practically see them going house-to-house in Omaha. But China’s big three this year? Diving, badminton, and table tennis.” Torpel snorted dismissively. “How can I hate a country for table tennis?”

Making matters worse, said Torpel, even Chinese athletes in power sports such as weightlifting “are just too little and not mean-looking enough.” Added Torpel, “I mean, I saw photos of Kang Yue. Sure, she’s lifting a bar that weighs more than my husband Harold, and Harold is a guy who doesn’t mind a second dessert, if you know what I mean. But she looks friendly and you wouldn’t even notice her if she were a waitress at a sushi restaurant, which is really the only time I see Chinese or other European people.”

AFPN’s Criltins is trying to generate support for his proposal to reconstitute the Soviet Union in order to give the United States a target for pointless antipathy. “Russia has 12 gold medals,” he explained. “But add Kazakhstan—which it turns out is a real country—Belarus, and Ukraine, and you’re back up to 24.” Criltins later shared his view that even that total was insufficient, so he suggested adding neighboring Australia to get the medal tallies comparable to the US.

Chinese swimmer angrily denies performance-enhancing drug use; throws car at journalist

3 Aug

LONDON—Ye Shiwen, the 16-year-old Chinese swimmer who shattered the women’s 400m individual-medley world record, today angrily denied ever having used performance-enhancing drugs, picking up a Toyota Camry and hurling it across the room at a journalist who had asked repeated questions about steroids.

“Let me be very clear,” said Shiwen, “I have never used unapproved drugs of any kind, and there is no evidence to the contrary.” She then tore the platform at the press center out of its concrete moorings, bent the steel underpinnings in half, and burst through a brick wall on the way out of the building.

John Leonard, the American coach who had originally aired suspicions about Shiwen’s record-breaking performance, shrugged when told of Shiwen’s rebuttal. “Okay, if she says she’s clean, I guess I have to believe her,” he said.

Suspicions were originally raised when Shiwen not only won the medley decisively but outpaced the men’s gold medallist, Ryan Lochte, in the final freestyle leg. She also then ripped a two-ton slab of concrete out of the side of the pool, lifted it over her head, and threw it forty yards at the eventual silver medallist, who was twenty seconds behind her in the pool.

“I just don’t understand the source of all this suspicion,” said Shiwen’s coach. “Ye is a good kid and a good citizen. When we got stuck in traffic on the way to the venue, she picked up the bus and carried it along the sidewalk to the venue. She’s always helping out like that.”

To some, the growing scandal brought to mind the many scandals facing Eastern European athletes in the 1980s. In the most notorious incident, female shotput champion Karlotta Jung was stripped of her gold medal after she was revealed to be the entire rock band Kraftwerk in disguise.

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