Tag Archives: parenting

CDC encourages American parents to receive anti-ignorance vaccine

4 Feb

ATLANTA–Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, today encouraged all American parents who have not yet done so to receive a new anti-ignorance vaccine that is being rushed to market.

“This new compound is safe, effective, and affordable, and will have significant benefits for public health,” said Frieden.

The vaccine is administered in the form of a single sheet of paper that explains the overwhelming scientific evidence that the measles vaccine is safe and effective. Frieden explained that it was painless and required less than five minutes.

The vaccine is contraindicated for some small groups, such as politicians tacking right for the GOP primaries, but otherwise should be distributed “as widely as possible.”

Frieden noted that the scientific consensus behind the safety and efficacy of vaccination was “overwhelming,” and that the only suggestion to the contrary was a 1998 paper that used an innovative statistical technique known as “falsified data.”

Frieden asked if he would be more convincing if he stood on a street corner and held up a handmade sign stating that vaccines are safe

NSA provides White House with intercepted talking points for Malia Obama meeting; “allowance” and “homework” key topics

4 Nov

WASHINGTON—rebutting claims that its extensive spying on allies had provided few concrete benefits, the head of the NSA today confirmed that it had recently provided the President with “critical” insights into Malia Obama’s negotiating strategy prior to a meeting on Sunday.

“POTUS entered the negotiations with full knowledge of his opponent’s entry and exit points, as well as the key arguments she was likely to use,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, speaking to reporters at a secret underground location. “Without electronic surveillance, the United States could have faced additional liabilities amounting to dozens of dollars each year.”

Sources close to the NSA said that by monitoring 15-year-old Malia’s cell phone and email, they had established that she was planning to ask for fifteen dollars per week, but that she would be willing to accept as little as twelve. She had also indicated a willingness to accept conditions around her grades as long as they did not require an A- or above in Chemistry, which the subject reportedly finds “super hard.”

Boy Scouts to drop anti-gay policies; will also stop burning witches and sacrificing virgins in volcanoes

30 Jan

IRVING, Texas—As part of a far-reaching program of modernization, the Boy Scouts of America today reversed its longstanding policy of not allowing gay boys and men to join the organization. Going further, it announced that it would end other practices that some people would also consider archaic, such as bleeding victims to restore a balance of humors and using human teeth as currency.

“While we continue to hold dear to our beliefs, we recognize the need to change with the times,” said spokesman Ken LaBrea. “We look forward to providing a rich Scouting experience to boys who may be gay or have a stutter, which is caused by demons.”

The Boy Scouts organization has long been admired for teaching boys practical skills such as barrel-making and musketry, but had come under fire in recent years for its anti-gay teachings, as well as its close relationship with the Whig Party.

LaBrea denied that the organization had been slow to catch up to the times, noting that the Boy Scouts have been admitting African-Americans since 2009. He also noted that the Boy Scout Handbook had recently been revised, and now said that masturbation led to blindness “only sometimes.”

“I’m convinced that these changes will position the Boy Scouts to be successful for years to come,” said LaBrea. “Just like a giant snake will give birth to the sun tomorrow morning, and then swallow it again at dusk.”

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