Tag Archives: paul ryan

Taking more aggressive approach to debate, Biden clubs Paul Ryan with chair leg

12 Oct

DANVILLE, Ky—a week after President Obama was criticized for being too passive in his debate with Mitt Romney, Joe Biden took a much more confrontational approach, at one point ripping the leg off his chair and using it to club Paul Ryan into submission.

The exchange came nine minutes into Paul Ryan’s explanation of the revisions to his revised adjustments to his updated Medicare policy. As Ryan explained the difference between his $716 billion and President Obama’s $716 billion, Biden managed to loosen his restraints, reach down and unscrew one of the legs of his chair, and beat Ryan to the ground with it.

Ryan also had some memorable lines from the debate, such as when he said “they’re infringing on our first freedom, the freedom of religion, by infringing on—Ow! Dammit, Joe, knock it off!” and then tried to pry Vice-President Biden off his ankle.

Moderator Martha Radatz received generally positive reviews. Pundits noted that she scrupulously adhered to the equal-time principle to each of the three platforms in the debate: 30 minutes for Joe Biden to rant incoherently, 30 minutes for Paul Ryan to discuss the wacky Ayn Rand crap he actually believes, and 30 minutes for Ryan to repeat the mealy-mouth platitudes he has had to subscribe to since joining the Romney ticket.

The debate was slightly delayed for security reasons when a report spread that Big Bird was lurking around the auditorium. It turned out to be a different eight-foot yellow bird, who was questioned by the Secret Service and then released.

Controversy as Kansas Republican says Obama victory would be preferable to the total destruction of Earth

10 Sep

TOPEKA–controversy erupted in the Kansas Republican Party yesterday when, in response to a question from a TV interviewer, State Senator Dick Kelsey said that, if he had to choose, he would prefer an Obama victory to the complete destruction of the planet Earth and extinction of the human race.

Kelsey, a staunch pro-gun pro-life Republican, fell for the trap sprung by Bob Williams of NBC affiliate KSNT, who asked Kelsey, “if you knew a Romney victory would bring about the utter destruction of all humanity, with no chance of any survivors, and the disintegration of the planet, would that still be a better option than a victory by Barack Obama in November?” After trying for several minutes to evade the question, Senator Kelsey said that, “yes, perhaps an Obama victory and government-provided health care would be a less bad option for my family than their instant deaths.”

Reaction was swift and furious. “This is just the kind of RINO appeasement that gives the Republican Party a bad name,” said LuAnn Davies, chair of the Kansas Militia Ladies’ Auxiliary. “Sounds like Dick Kelsey should just switch parties and convert to Islam, if he loves Barack Obama so much.”

National Republican figures were no less angry. “With supporters like this, who needs enemies?” said Paul Ryan, when informed of the gaffe. “While I have no wish to see the earth crash into the sun, I think we can all agree it would be a lot better than a 4.6% increase in the top marginal tax rate for families making over $250,000 per year.”

Kelsey immediately tried to recant the statement, saying that he would immediately look into ways of destroying the planet in case of a Democratic victory in November, but most observers agreed that it was too little, too late.

“It’s just not Republican,” said Mitt Romney, asked about it at a campaign stop in Stilton Falls, Ohio. “When you think of great Republicans like Abraham Lincoln, Dwight Eisenhower, and Ronald Reagan, what do you think of? You think of bloodshot-eyed madmen refusing to exchange a civil word with their political opponents. That’s the kind of leadership America needs.”

Tea Party excited that as VP, Paul Ryan would be able to represent US at funerals, meet with 4-H clubs

15 Aug

ATLANTA—attendees at a Tea Party convention here today were bubbling over with excitement knowing that if the Romney ticket wins in November, Paul Ryan will have a fancy office in the US Naval Observatory, frequently visit elementary schools, meet with heads of state from minor countries, and fulfil other ceremonial duties that the president has no interest in.

“I cringe every time I see Joe Biden on a meaningless trip Miami to make empty promises to the Cuban-American community,” said Dorothy Binswill, eating a doughnut while decked out in several hundred American flags. “If anyone’s going to make empty promises to the Cuban-American community, I want it to be a true conservative.” Asked if she expected Ryan to have any influence over a Romney administration, she shook her head. “Of course not,” she said. “But I like the pointless gesture of putting him on the ticket.”

“It’s an important job,” said Dave Schwerbach, who owns a local lawn-supply store. “A Vice President Ryan would do a far better job of receiving delegations of high-school students and attending sporting events with the Foreign Minister of Romania. That’s why I’m redoubling my commitment to the Republican ticket in November.”

As usual, the Obama campaign was left on the defensive.

“Joe Biden knows all the words to our national anthem, and he can smile for forty or fifty minutes straight while watching kids sing Christmas carols,” said David Plouffe. “How is Paul Ryan any better?”

The people at the Atlanta Cut Taxes Now rally had a ready answer to the question. “Paul Ryan is fully prepared to go to dozens of crummy little countries where no US national interests are at stake,” said Ann Barglin, holding up an anti-Obama poster that she probably did not realize was deeply racist. “And when National Bus Appreciation Day runs around, who’s going to give the best speech? Paul Ryan, that’s who.”

Romney picks Hall of Fame pitcher Paul Ryan as running mate

11 Aug

BOSTON—in another of the unconventional, audacious moves that are becoming his hallmark, Mitt Romney today announced that he was planning to pick baseball’s all-time strikeout leader, Paul Ryan, as his running mate in November.

“Five thousand strikeouts? Seven no-hitters? More than three hundred wins? I’ll take that kind of performance any day of the week, whether on the pitcher’s mound or in the White House,” said Romney at a press conference to announce his choice.

Paul Ryan was not present at the press conference, choosing instead to remain in Dallas, where he is president of the Texas Rangers team. A statement later released by his office stated that he was eager to serve however he could.

Best known for his blistering fastball, Paul Ryan spent more than twenty-five years pitching in the major leagues, going to the All-Star Game eight times and setting numerous records. He is the only player to have his number retired by three different teams.

There was a rare moment of levity when a junior reporter for the Madison Daily Bugle asked if perhaps Romney had meant to pick Nolan Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee.

“No, no,” said Romney, waving his hands and smiling as the room erupted in laughter. “Pick a right-wing ideologue with a plan to gut Social Security and no experience actually doing anything? What, you think I want to hand this election to the Democrats?”

As usual, the Obama campaign was left on the defensive by Romney’s bold choice. “What, he picked the baseball Ryan?” said David Plouffe, visibly surprised. “We were hoping for the congressman—that would have been like a pinata at an eight-year-old’s birthday party.”

Later in the day, the Obama campaign released a photo of a sixteen-year-old Joe Biden playing shortstop for the Archmere Warriors. “See, we’ve got one, too,” said a spokesman.

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