Tag Archives: Petraeus

FBI: Navy SEALs had bootleg of “Call Me Maybe” on Bin Laden raid

16 Nov

WASHINGTON—fresh off its success in driving CIA Director Dave Petraeus out of office, the FBI today announced that it was investigating several of the Navy SEALs involved in the killing of Osama Bin Laden, noting that it had “credible evidence” that several of them had illegally downloaded copies of Adele’s hit single “Call Me Maybe.”

“No one is above the law,” said FBI Director Robert S. Mueller at a press conference. “No matter how infectious the melody, toe-tapping the rhythm, or totally hot the music video, all Americans must obey copyright.”

Mueller said that he anticipated “largely disbanding” sections of the SEALs in response to the infraction. “Ideally, we will be able to take out a big chunk of the military,” he said. “We’re also looking into some fighter pilots who may have bought fake Rolexes on eBay.”

The FBI also announced that it was bringing criminal charges against John Hemming, the New York firefighter who lost both his legs on September 11, 2001, after rushing into the World Trade Center to rescue trapped survivors. “Look, when Taco Bell says no refills, they mean no refills,” said Mueller. “What, you think the guy gets a free pass at the soda machine just because he’s in a wheelchair?”

Mueller added that he hoped to have good news in an additional set of investigations soon, noting that he had pulled several dozen agents off the terrorism and child-abduction squads to investigate rumors of late-night parties at Walter Reed hospital.

FBI excited to catch someone, even if it’s only Dave Petraeus

11 Nov

WASHINGTON–after almost a decade in which it failed to catch anyone doing anything, the Federal Bureau of Investigation triumphantly announced that it had caught  David Petraeus, the highly respected head of the Central Intelligence Agency, having an affair.

“Sure, we didn’t notice when Al Qaeda enrolled in flight school, or the shoe bomber, or any of the last dozen hate crimes, but, man, we sure made up for it today,” said Robert S. Mueller III, Director of the FBI. “Let this be a warning: if you’re a highly competent American official, and you aren’t committing a serious crime–then the FBI has you in its sights.”

Many questioned whether forcing out Petraeus, who has won broad acclaim for his role first in the Iraq war and then at the CIA, would actually improve national security, but Mueller made a convincing case. “We were investigating something else, and we stumbled on this, and we just thought, you know, why not?” he explained. “I think we can all agree that America is at its finest when persecuting government officials for sexual indiscretions that have no broader ramifications.”

Mueller hastened to add that the FBI was not content to rest on its laurels. “We will pursue wrongdoing whenever evidence randomly falls in our lap,” he vowed. “I hear that Joe Biden has illegal downloads of the complete Justin Bieber catalog on his iPod.”

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