Tag Archives: politics

Rubio’s Minnesota-only strategy pays off handsomely

2 Mar

ST. PAUL, Minnesota—putting all doubts about his candidacy to rest, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) swept to victory last night in the Minnesota caucuses, with more than 41,000 votes and a solid margin of victory over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

“They said we couldn’t do it,” Rubio announced to an ecstatic crowd at his victory party here. “They said our exclusive focus on Minnesota would backfire, that we didn’t have a viable path to the nomination. And you know what I say to those people?” he continued, looking around for dramatic effect. “I say…twelve delegates in the bag.”

Terry Sullivan, Rubio’s campaign manager, was in a similarly upbeat mood. “There’s still some mopping up to do,” said Sullivan this morning in an exclusive interview with twissblog. “We need to win, you know, all the other states. But with Minnesota firmly in our column, I don’t think anyone has any doubts.”

Republican party elders, worried about the rise of Donald Trump, seemed immensely relieved by the results. “When I saw the AP call Minnesota for Marco, it was like a whole weight was lifted off my chest,” said Mitch McConnell. “Either that, or my heart attack was going away.”

Rubio renewed his appeal to Ted Cruz to drop out of the race. “I salute Ted’s service to the American people,” said Rubio towards the end of his speech. “But at this point in the race, he’s only won four states, and has less than twice the number of delegates I do. It’s time for the party to come together behind me.”

Marco Rubio confident of “strong” second-place finish at GOP convention

25 Feb

WASHINGTON–coming off back-to-back strong showings in Nevada and South Carolina, an optimistic Marco Rubio today declared that he was “almost certainly” going to finish a strong second in the Republican primary process.

“A few months ago, people thought we were down and out,” said Rubio. “But we keep on racking up 15, 20 percent of the vote, and we’re going to ride that train all the way to Cleveland in July.”

As Donald Trump’s delegate count and lead in the polls continued to grow, Rubio boasted that “there’s no way we finish this thing with less than three hundred delegates at the convention,” out of the 1,237 required for the nomination.

Cruz’s campaign immediately fired back, noting that “if anyone is going to lose this thing to Trump, it’s us.” A Cruz spokesman also noted that “Marco is the wrong candidate for America, even if it turns out he isn’t actually a criminal atheist who has a big crush on Hillary, which–let me be clear–we don’t think is definitely the case at all.”

Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

Clarence Thomas unsure whether he should die in his sleep, too

14 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the period of official mourning for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia got under way, Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly considering whether to die in his sleep as well.

Thomas, who is well known for voting with Scalia 91% of the time, has asked friends and family “whether this is a precedent to follow as well.” As at press time, he was apparently undecided.

Obama tries to think of something nice to say about Antonin Scalia

13 Feb

WASHINGTON–twenty-four hours after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama was still trying to think of nice things to say about him, sources close to the White House say.

“Justice Scalia was always someone you knew existed, even when you didn’t call him or talk to him for years on end,” said the President in an official statement. “He showed up for work, and owned a black robe like the other justices.”

Speaking later in the day, Obama added that “he lived in a house,” and also that “he apparently enjoyed Italian food, which I also like, although we probably liked different specific dishes, if I have to guess.”

“No one who knew Antonin will ever forget that his name was always a little tricky to spell if you weren’t thinking about it,” said Obama in closing. “And I think that may be his legacy to us all.”

  
“Without a doubt, Justice Scalia had reasonably flexible fingers,” said Obama.

Marco Rubio under sedation after repeating Obama sound bite two hundred times in a row

7 Feb

DOVER, New Hampshire–in a stunning turn of events, Sen. Marco Rubio (R–FL) was admitted today to Dover Medical Center, reportedly suffering from a fugue state in which he was only able to repeat the same thirty-second sound bite about President Obama in response to all questions.
After last night’s presidential debate, the candidate’s wife, Jeanette Rubio, became concerned after they met in the hotel room and she asked if he had accidentally picked up her toothbrush instead of his own.
“That’s the problem with Barack Obama. It isn’t inexperience; it’s ideology,” said her husband.
A concerned Jeanette Rubio summoned aides, who attempted to get Rubio to snap out of his trance-like state by asking basic questions about the Miami Dolphins and the University of Florida, only to be told that Barack Obama has deliberately led the United States to this point.
After Rubio repeated the comment an additional hundred times, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where he was being kept in an induced coma, in which the only signs of consciousness are fluttering eyelids and a well-articulated three-point plan.

Jeb Bush’s support from Latino Republicans in New Hampshire plummets from 66.66% to 33.33%

4 Feb

NASHUA, New Hampshire–the struggling presidential campaign of Jeb Bush took another blow today when polls showed that his support from Latino Republicans living in New Hampshire had fallen precipitously. This has called into question his so-called “Hispanic strategy” as a path to victory.

“Look, we were never going to get Maria,” said David Smith, Bush’s Director of Latino Outreach, referring to Maria Aleman, a second-generation Colombian-American living in Portsmouth. “She’s committed to Rubio. But I thought we had Hector Tamalpais locked up. I don’t know what happened.”

Tamalpais, reached at his home in Dover, explained that “I don’t know; I’m just not really feeling good about Jeb any more.” He said that he was increasingly drawn to John Kasich, “although I like Christie, too.”

Smith said he felt “very confident” that the third Latino Republican, Jose Aznar, “was solidly for us,” and went on to note that “33.33% of any group is an impressive result.”

“Look, this thing might end up in a tie,” said Smith. “If Jeb finishes equal-first among Latinos, and eighth among non-Latinos, who’s really to say who won New Hampshire?”

GOP proposes new debate format, in which people line up and punch Ted Cruz in the face

28 Jan

NEW YORK–with tonight’s Republican presidential primary debate facing uncertainty after Donald Trump’s refusal to participate, GOP Chairman Reince Priebus today suggested an alternative format, “which will consist of people just lining up and then getting to punch Ted Cruz in the face.”

Priebus outlined the proposed approach in an impromptu forty-minute press conference here, most of which consisted of him describing in loving detail what it would be like to punch Ted Cruz in the face.

“And we’ll let anyone in. Other candidates, their families, kids, anyone. A line out the back of the auditorium. And Ted getting punched over, and over, and over,” concluded Priebus, repeating “and over” an additional sixty times before an aide gently led him away by the arm.

In a surprising move, Priebus also used the speech to endorse Donald Trump, nemesis of the GOP establishment, as the best hope of stopping Cruz. Priebus then went on to also endorse Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Benito Mussolini, “and anyone else who can take Ted down a notch.”

Trump, who is vying neck-and-neck with Cruz for victory in the Iowa caucauses next week, released a devastating new anti-Cruz ad today, titled “Get a load of this guy” and consisting of various photos and short videos of Cruz.

  
If elected, Ted cruz pledges to poke every single American in the chest while making a point.

Michigan governor apologizes profusely for Flint water crisis, explains he “had no idea” white people lived there

27 Jan

FLINT, Michigan—Gov. Rick Snyder (R) today issued another lengthy apology for the unsafe water in Flint, explaining that his administration “had no idea that white people lived here, too.”
 

Speaking in front of reporters, Snyder vowed that he would not rest until the quality of the tap water improved and until “we figured out exactly how this whole fiasco came to be.”

 

Snyder said that as a result of preliminary investigations, it appeared that a staffer “had said that Flint was mostly populated by African-Americans, but when the meeting notes got transcribed, the ‘mostly’ was dropped, and we just went forward on that assumption.”

 

“Obviously,” said Snyder, “if we’d known there were white people in Flint, we would have acted much more quickly to rectify the situation.”

 

Snyder did note that copper is worth approximately two dollars per pound and lead is worth seventy-five cents, “but you people have been getting them both for free.”

 

  

Snyder went on to promise all affected residents a “really big” submarine sandwich as compensation. 

Gov. Chris Christie recaptured in Sinaloa, months after daring tunnel escape

9 Jan

EL AGUADITA, Sinaloa, Mexico–the race for the Republican presidential nomination took a surprising turn as international fugitive Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ), currently polling fourth in New Hampshire, was captured by Mexican special forces only a few miles from the prison from which he made his daring escape last year.
“I’m proud to announce that the notorious fugitive, Governor ‘Chris’ Christie, has been captured,” said Mexico’s Attorney General. “He was unable to maintain a low profile, and instead had been seen a number of times around Sinaloa, as well as in several Republican debates.”
Christie’s recapture ends an embarrassing episode, in which he escaped from a press conference in New York City in July 2015, digging a tunnel beneath a lectern while reporters asked him questions about the George Washington Bridge scandal. Mexico’s armed forces repeatedly identified his location, but were unable to come up with the $2700-per-head minimum required to attend a fundraiser at which he could be apprehended.

   
 Chris Christie in the gubernatorial mansion; undated photo

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