Tag Archives: poverty

Paul Ryan’s far-reaching anti-poverty plan calls for poor people to “get some more money somehow”

25 Jul

WASHINGTON—in a bold statement that will upend the politics of inequality in America, Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) today announced the new Republican approach to fighting poverty, in which he called on poor people “to somehow get some more money, so that they aren’t quite as poor.”

“Just imagine how much of a difference it would make,” said Ryan, speaking to reporters, “if all the poor people in this country did something that enabled them to get a lot more money—fifty, maybe one hundred thousand dollars—with more where that came from. We could eliminate poverty within a generation, without using a dollar of taxpayer money.”

Other Republicans quickly rallied to Ryan’s plan. “Paul’s bold idea shows us the way to reducing poverty without getting the government involved,” said Ted Cruz. “I’m going to go down to that homeless guy panhandling in front of the Dirksen Building and tell him he should go get some money. And then I’ll take whatever money he has in that cardboard box, because he won’t be needing it any more.”

The White House was left playing catchup, announcing only that they would “study the issue” to determine whether more money would be helpful to poor people. “We don’t want to rush out with a lofty statement we can’t back up,” said a spokesman. “We save that for our foreign-policy speeches.”

Feel-good moment as Democrats, Republicans come together to cut food stamps

4 Feb

WASHINGTON–in a heart-warming story of bipartisanship and cross-aisle cooperation, the Senate today passed a long-delayed farm bill, successfully cutting food-stamp benefits to 1.7 million Americans.

“Some people think that Congress can’t work together to pass legislation,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “Today’s bill shows that when it comes to keeping children hungry, we are all on the same page.”

Democrats were equally effusive. “No matter what party we come from or what else we may disagree on, we all agree that feeding poor people is a giant waste of money,” said Sen. Debbie Stabenow (D–MI).

The cuts to food stamps will save $8 billion, which equals “an unheard-of almost one percent cut” in the $956 billion bill, bragged McConnell.

To avoid charges that the cuts are being made on the backs of the hungry, the bill increases food-bank spending by $200 million, which experts say, with efficiency gains, could replace as much as six or seven percent of the food-stamp cuts.

When asked for comment, six-year-old Ayesha Jackson (Indep–IL) said she was hungry.

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