Tag Archives: progressive

Big issue in tonight’s Republican debate: how will Jim Gilmore respond to George Pataki?

16 Sep

SIMI VALLEY, California—as the Republican presidential candidates prepare for tonight’s debate, all of America is asking the same question: how will former Gov. Jim Gilmore respond to the expected onslaught he will face from former Gov. George Pataki?

“Gilmore has been under the microscope this whole campaign,” said Noted Expert Dave McClellan. “We all know his policy stands, his personality, his track record. But we haven’t really seen what happens when a top talent like George Pataki takes off the gloves and comes after him.”

Pataki faces a make-or-break moment in tonight’s debate, needing to capitalize on his recent momentum. Gilmore, by way of contrast, is sitting comfortably in 13th place in the polls. “Gilmore just needs not to screw up,” said Noted Expert Laura Farples. “You can be sure Pataki’s going to bring the heat.”

The debate, which starts at 6 pm tonight (EST), will also feature former, or perhaps current, we aren’t sure, Sen. Lindsay Graham, as well as Gov. Bobby Jindal. Graham and Jindal have received less attention thus far in the race, although experts warned not to count them out. “These four guys are in a wide-open race,” said Farples. “There’s still lots of time, so anything could happen.”

The debate will be followed two hours later by another conversation. Unlike the earlier main event, this will be populated primarily by people without political experience.

Gilmore Pataki
Despite the crackling political tension between them, it was surprisingly hard to find a picture of Gilmore and Pataki together

GOP reports “strong agreement” on everything except immigration, tax reform, health care, debt ceiling, and foreign policy

1 Feb

WASHINGTON–returning from their annual three-day retreat, the Republican congressional caucus reported that it had emerged “united on all the major issues of the day” except for immigration reform, tax-code changes, an alternative health-care proposal, the debt ceiling,  foreign policy, a farm bill, unemployment benefits, Congressional reform, and privacy.

Eric Cantor (R–VA) reported, however, that the party was “completely in agreement” that America “kicks major butt,” and had also rallied around a proposal to establish a National Apple Pie Day.

“We’re excited to be running on this vibrant, optimistic agenda for the midterms,” said Cantor. After an aide whispered in his ear, he clarified that “in fact, our emotions range from excited to merely content.”

On the Senate side, Mitch McConnell (R–KY), stating that only wimps change their minds, said that his top priority remained ensuring that Obama be a one-term president.

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