Tag Archives: putin

Vladimir Putin solves all of Russia’s economic problems by riding in a little submarine

19 Aug

MOSCOW–palpable relief washed over the Russian capital today as the news spread that Vladimir Putin had singlehandedly solved all of the cripping economic and other problems facing Russia by going for a ride in a little submarine.

“It has been a difficult year, with the drop in the oil price and the sanctions,” said Lyudmila Goncharova, a fruit seller at the Orlovsky produce market. “But when I saw the pictures of Vladimir Vladimirovich in that cute little submarine, I knew our problems were at an end.”

The Russian authorities were vague on how, exactly, Putin’s little submarine ride would revitalize the economy. “By making Russia great again!” explained one government spokesman, before looking at his watch and explaining that he needed to leave urgently for an appointment.
After the dive, in which Putin looked at an ancient shipwreck, the Russian President spoke to reporters, explaining that he had just closed the gaping Russian deficit caused by the decreased oil price, and had also strengthened the ruble. “It just takes firm leadership,” he said. He then pointed to the little submarine and noted that it was entirely Russian-made, “except for the submarine part. Paint job is one hundred percent Russian.”

Professor Arkady Strogatevich, an economist at Moscow State University, noted that if necessary, Putin could do even more for the Russian economy. “In the west, where they use girlie-man ‘macroeconomic tools’ instead of strong leadership, they have already lowered interest rates to zero, so they have nowhere else to go,” he explained. “But you will see that in the photos of the Russian submarine, President Putin has not even taken his shirt off.”

Honestly, everyone at twissblog just loves this guy. We think he’s dreamy.

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”


In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

Russian public relieved as Vladimir Putin reappears after weeklong absence, now eight inches taller and left-handed

16 Mar

MOSCOW—after a mysterious absence of over a week, Russian President Vladimir Putin today reappeared in public. The Russian ruling class and public were relieved to see that he was in fine health, although a few observers did point out that he was now significantly taller, wrote with his left hand, and now seemed unable to speak fluently in his native tongue.


“My fellow Russians,” said Putin in Russian. “I am very much pleased to again be the presidenting of such a fanciful country. Many felines go with you.”


In a press conference with the president of Kazakhstan, Putin also switched to English, not a language he has traditionally spoken, to plug his new movie “Rock the Kasbah.” Said Putin, “it’s going to be epic.”


Putin’s absence from public view for eleven days created a number of rumors that he was unwell, or had been deposed in a coup. However, his reappearance immediately put those rumors to rest, despite the fact that he did not seem to recognize any of his long-time staff members, and also that he expressed in English the desire to “get my check and get out of here.”

Putin reported feeling “great”

Russian opposition leader murdered; Vladimir Putin vows “vigorous investigation” to find out whom he ordered to do it

28 Feb

MOSCOW–prominent Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was murderer earlier today in Moscow, only a few hundred yards from the Kremlin. Hours later, Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to identify the killers, “even if it means going through all my old emails to do so.”

“I promise to find the real killers, no matter what it takes,” Putin vowed. “I’ve already been through all my credit-card statements, and it isn’t on there, but now I’m going to go through all the pockets of all my pants.”

Nemtsov, a one-time rising star in Russian politics in the 1990s, was by far the most prominent dissident to be murdered so far this week.

The Russian police said they were “very close” to making an arrest, noting that the murder was probably committed by “someone who was in Moscow yesterday or today.” Combined with the observation that it was unlikely to have been committed by a young child or an invalid, the police reported that they were narrowing in on a few million suspects.

The Kremlin offered the suggestion that Nemtsov might have been killed for reasons unrelated to his role in opposition politics. “For example,” said Putin, “I understand he was way behind on his cable bill.”


I can’t hear you, because this gun keeps making loud shooting noises.

Vladimir Putin singlehandedly captures Ukrainian town of Debaltseve

19 Feb

Debaltseve—breaking a months-long stalemate in the war between the Ukrainian government and Russian-backed rebels, Vladimir Putin today captured the key Ukrainian town of Debaltseve, killing dozens of Ukrainian soldiers and pushing the bulk of the army several miles to the west.

“We were pinned down in street fighting, taking cover from enemy fire, when all of a sudden this shirtless guy gallops up on a horse,” said a rebel soldier named Yuri. “He charged straight at the enemy lines, disabled their riflemen with some amazing judo moves, then drove the rest of them back with throwing stars and a blowgun.”

The Russian government denied that there had been any involvement of the Russian government in Putin’s remarkable one-man assault. “While early reports suggest that indeed a man named Vladimir Vladimirovich broke the back of the CIA-backed spy army in Debaltseve, there is no reason to believe that he had any affiliation with the Russian government,” said a spokesman. “Although if he did, he would probably be a wise leader, full of strength and vision but also compassionate to the needs of the poor and the sick, loved by children, and trusted by animals.”

Shortly after reversing the tide of the Ukrainian civil war, Putin led a flock of migrating cranes to their winter breeding grounds, helped a local sawmill meet its quota by knocking over hundreds of trees with his bare hands, and then went scuba-diving in a nearby pond and found several ancient amphorae. He was unable to find an additional forty dollars per barrel of oil, however, as he had previously promised to do.

We had a hard time choosing between this classic photo and one of Putin shooting a whale with a crossbow.

Putin explains Russian troops in Crimea were just looking for the bathroom

5 Mar

MOSCOW–stung by international criticism of his invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday held a press conference in which he explained the 6,000 Russian troops in Ukraine were mostly “just looking for the bathroom.”

“It is so simple even children know it,” said Putin disdainfully. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Putin explained that extensive remodeling on several Russian army bases had led to long lines for restrooms, and as a result, many soldiers had swum several miles across the Kerch Strait separating Russia from Ukraine “without realizing where they were as a result.”

Putin seemed sharp and in control throughout the 66-minute press conference, except for a 25-minute digression into how NASA faked the moon landings and a 14-minute stretch where he repeated “show me all the blueprints” over and over.

Sochi Olympics opening ceremony enchants guests with barbed wire, cavity searches

8 Feb

SOCHI–tying together the country’s past, present, and future, the 2014 Winter Olympics officially opened here today with a moving ceremony that allowed guests to experience “the real Russia” in the form of bomb-sniffing dogs, intrusive body searches, and the extensive use of barbed wire.

“Oh, my Gosh,” bubbled Cindy Morgenthall of Teaneck, NJ, as an angry woman named Olga yelled at her to be quiet. “I just feel like I’m really in Russia, you know?”

The opening ceremony had promised to be “interactive,” and it was, with every guest receiving a complementary patdown and a once-over from an angry German shepherd. Said Dieter Hammstrom, visiting from Munich, “I love dogs! Although the biting was perhaps a bit much.”

After an exciting six-hour delay while spectators cleared security, President Vladimir Putin officially opened the Games by lighting the ceremonial pile of money on fire.

Putin says Olympic sites “almost ready,” calls snow camping “fun and healthy”

5 Feb

MOSCOW–as questions grew as to whether Sochi would be ready for the opening of the Winter Olympics on Friday, Russian President Putin said that “virtually all preparations are complete.” In an unrelated aside, he then spoke at length about the virtues of snow camping, calling it a “fun and healthy activity that everyone can enjoy,” especially athletes and their families.

“You can dig a hole in the ground, you can make a snow fort, you can pitch a tent–these are all pleasant and economical alternatives to staying in hotels,” said Putin at a press conference.

Putin also shared several anecdotes from a recent trip he took to Sochi, during which he lived off the land, hunting and foraging. “In every way, my visit was more pleasant than if I had come expecting to buy food in shops or restaurants.”

Putin closed the session by noting that, contrary to media reports, gay athletes would be quite welcome in Sochi, “as long as they are not attracted to members of the same sex.”

Putin “totally surprised” as fiercely independent Russian judiciary frees Mikhail Khodorkovsky

24 Dec

MOSCOW–in yet another example of the successful division of powers that has made Russian democracy the envy of the world, President Vladimir Putin said today that he was “totally surprised” to find out that the courts had set jailed oligarch Mikhail Khodorkovsky free.

“I mean, I had no idea this was coming,” said Putin, speaking at one of the many no-holds-barred press conferences he conducts for domestic and foreign journalists. “I can never tell what the Russian courts are going to do. But of course, why would I?”

Putin added that he had never supported Khodorkovsky’s detention. “It always seemed to me that here was a viable opposition leader, someone with the resources, intelligence, and charisma to create a viable alternative center of power to the one I’ve built up,” he said. “That can only strengthen Russian democracy.”

In response to aggressive questions from Russia’s notoriously independent and open-minded media, Putin added that he hoped “Khodorkovsky would change his mind and re-enter Russian politics,” ideally in time for the upcoming presidential elections. “The more the merrier,” he said.

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