Tag Archives: race

Michigan governor apologizes profusely for Flint water crisis, explains he “had no idea” white people lived there

27 Jan

FLINT, Michigan—Gov. Rick Snyder (R) today issued another lengthy apology for the unsafe water in Flint, explaining that his administration “had no idea that white people lived here, too.”
 

Speaking in front of reporters, Snyder vowed that he would not rest until the quality of the tap water improved and until “we figured out exactly how this whole fiasco came to be.”

 

Snyder said that as a result of preliminary investigations, it appeared that a staffer “had said that Flint was mostly populated by African-Americans, but when the meeting notes got transcribed, the ‘mostly’ was dropped, and we just went forward on that assumption.”

 

“Obviously,” said Snyder, “if we’d known there were white people in Flint, we would have acted much more quickly to rectify the situation.”

 

Snyder did note that copper is worth approximately two dollars per pound and lead is worth seventy-five cents, “but you people have been getting them both for free.”

 

  

Snyder went on to promise all affected residents a “really big” submarine sandwich as compensation. 

Maryland Governor reports experiencing very little racism at the hands of police officers

28 Apr

BALTIMORE—seeking to calm violent protests over the death of Freddie Gray, Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, Jr. (R) reported today that he had “almost never” experienced racism at the hands of the Baltimore police.

“I know that we’re all upset about what happened to Freddie,” said Hogan. “But we can’t put it down to racism. I’ve lived here all my life, and I don’t think I’ve experienced any of this so-called racist treatment at the hands of the police.”

Hogan went on to observe that “if anything, I’ve had the opposite experience—state troopers going out of their way to make me feel safe and comfortable—stopping traffic, clubbing people who get too close to my car, that sort of thing.”

Hogan went on to say that he thought Maryland would always be a place where citizens of all races could live the American Dream. “Everyone should have the opportunity I had of running for your father’s old congressional seat at age twenty-four,” he explained.

Hogan went on to announce new, more aggressive policing intended to tamp down the protests caused by aggressive policing.

Larry-Hogan
Hogan: Police have always treated me with respect

NYPD announces pilot program of arresting white people who commit crimes

5 Dec

NEW YORK–Commissioner William Bratton today announced a “landmark” change in the NYPD’s approach to policing, announcing a small pilot program that will experiment over the coming months with arresting white people who commit crimes.

“While I realize this departure from traditional practices may unsettle some, it is the next step in our never-ending journey towards equality,” said Bratton.

Starting January 1, the NYPD will start arresting “up to ten white people every week” who have committed crimes. The focus will initially be on serious crimes that can carry the death penalty, such as selling loose cigarettes, carrying Skittles, or looking suspicious.

Lesser crimes such as running over pedestrians while drunk or domestic abuse would continue to attract fifty-dollar fines.

If the pilot program is successful, the NYPD could expand it until “five, or even ten percent of flagrant crimes committed by white people lead to arrests,” Bratton said. “But that would be over a long phase-in period, of course.”

When asked if crimes such as illegally foreclosing on homes or misleading investors could lead to arrests, Bratton held up his hands. “Let’s not get crazy here,” he said.

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Bank robbery will lead to swift and certain justice, unless it is done by the senior executives of the bank

Missouri governor declares martial law in Ferguson, because “aggressive policing is just what we need right now”

18 Nov

FERGUSON, Mo.—as this St. Louis suburb waits to see whether a grand jury will indict the police officer who killed an unarmed black youth here, Governor Jay Nixon declared martial law, explaining that “when in doubt, I think it’s best to get white guys with guns all hyped up and then send them out on the streets.”

“Look, we all know what drives bad behaviour out there among the, you know, those people,” said Nixon at a press conference in front of an Abrams tank. “It’s not having the imminent fear of death at the very top of their concerns. If we can just change that, we should be okay.”

Responding to questions as to whether aggressive policing had in fact been the cause of the problems in Ferguson, Nixon looked confused. “I was told it had been shifty characters,” he said.

Nixon closed the press conference with a prayer “that we will have peace and harmony, and that if we don’t, that the National Guard opens up a can of whoop-ass on those guys.”

In a historic advance in American race relations, Obama pledges to do nothing and wait for Ferguson protests to go away

21 Aug

FERGUSON, Mo.—as protests continued in what many see as the worst racial tension in the US in over a decade, President Obama took advantage of the opportunity to take a historic step towards reconciliation, pledging to do nothing and just wait it out.

“At times like this, we are called upon to lead the nation forward,” said the President in a special prime-time television address. “

Instead of going to Ferguson himself, Obama vowed to send “an emissary with the stature to bring healing to this community.” After several phone calls, he settled on several contestants from Celebrity Big Brother, Matt Lauer’s younger brother, and Attorney General Eric Holder.

Meanwhile, in a conciliatory gesture, Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon imposed a curfew, declared martial law, and told protestors “I will mess you up good.”

Police departments promise 10% fewer killings of unarmed African-American boys next year

13 Aug

ST. LOUIS—as the backlash against the shooting of Michael Brown continued, a coalition of US police departments issued a statement announcing a “commitment to kill fewer unarmed African-American children next year.”

Said Dave McAughtry, spokesman for the Association of American Police Chiefs, “While I don’t want to say that killing unarmed boys has to stop, we think it’s probably appropriate to take it down a notch.”

McAughtry said that police departments would engage in a rigorous training program that would enable police officers to tell the difference between a deadly weapon and “other similar looking items” such as candy, beverages, or nothing, “even when held by a black person.”

At the same time, though, McAughtry said that it was important not to criticize officers who killed unarmed black youth, especially if someone only did it two or three times.

“I mean, there are moderately serious consequences for a patrolman’s career if he kills someone he shouldn’t have,” said McAughtry. “You can count on some serious ribbing from the guys down at the station, often for months on end.”

Sterling apologizes: “I should have said ‘African-Americans’ in my racist tirade”

12 May

LOS ANGELES—after two weeks of silence, embattled LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling today apologized for his racist comments.

“When I told my mistress not to associate with black people, I spoke without thinking,” said Sterling. “I should have told her not to associate with African-Americans. That would have been the sensitive way to approach this.”

Sterling also said he was going to wind down his relationship with V. Stiviano, which was the original cause of his rant. “She’s getting dangerously close to one-third my age, and I have to draw the line somewhere,” he explained.

Vladimir Putin invades Ukraine, imprisons journalists, takes in a Clippers game

28 Apr

LOS ANGELES—in the middle of one of the biggest post-Cold War international crises, Russian President Vladimir Putin decided to relax today and watch the Los Angeles Clippers take on the Golden State Warriors in Game 4 of their playoff series.

The move surprised many Putin opponents inside and outside Russia. “The guy is so evil so much of the time, and then he does some normal-dude thing like cheering on the Clippers? Gotta respect that,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

Putin attended as a personal guest of Clippers owner Don Sterling and sat in his box. Wearing his usual relaxed attire of camouflage pants and no shirt, surrounded by several ancient amphorae, Putin seemed in a playful mood, occasionally pranking his seatmates by having goons beat them severely. There seemed to be excellent chemistry between him and Sterling, who kept smiling to each other and laughing.

After the game, which the Clippers lost, Putin expressed his desire to visit an American cattle ranch. “Maybe on government land in Nevada,” he said.

George Zimmerman arrested for threatening a white person

19 Nov

APOPKA, Fla.–four months after being acquitted for killing an unarmed black teenager, George Zimmerman now faces much deeper legal problems, having been arrested for threatening a white person.

“I can confirm that Mr. Zimmerman was arrested today following threats made during a domestic dispute,” said Arthur Barston, chief of police in this small town near Orlando. “Unfortunately, I can also confirm that the threatened individual was of European-American descent.”

Chief Barston said that Zimmerman’s arrest reinforced the “broken windows” theory of policing, which suggests that crimes like graffiti, killing unarmed black youth, and fare evasion, while not serious in themselves, can lead to greater violations in the future.

Zimmerman’s lawyer released a statement, noting that the victim had been “acting black” and had failed to identify her race until after the threats had already taken place.

George Zimmerman rescues family from car crash; does not shoot them

26 Jul

SANFORD, Florida–less than two weeks after being acquitted in the death of Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman rescued a family of four after their SUV flipped over during an accident. Although Zimmerman later noted that they looked “shifty,” especially the “weird-looking kid in the back,” he did not shoot any of them, police confirmed.

“I’m pleased to say that my client did not kill anyone this week,” said Zimmerman’s lawyer, Mark O’Mara. “Even now that he’s got his favorite gun back, he’s gone two weeks without shooting everyone, not even those teenagers who hang out in front of the 7-11 for no reason at all.”

According to David Miller, who was driving the SUV, “the first thing I noticed when I came to was this guy waving a gun in my face, asking if I was okay. He offered to shoot anyone who was badly hurt, but we were fine, so instead he helped us out of the car and gave us a ride into town.”

Zimmerman explained that “it was touch and go at times, and they had some kind of candy in the back seat that might have been some new weapon invented by China or black people or something, but I decided to take a chance, and I’m glad it all worked out.”

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