Tag Archives: rand paul

Noted libertarian entertainer RuPaul launches campaign for Republican presidential nomination

9 Apr

NEW YORK—in a surprising move, famous drag queen RuPaul announced on Tuesday that he was entering the Republican primary, becoming the second declared candidate after Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX).

RuPaul, the Tea Party darling, is noted for his outspoken small-government views, isolationist foreign policy, and longstanding career in drag, announced that “this is not a campaign for me, but for all Americans who feel oppressed by the long arm of government, who just want to live their lives alone, holed up in their bunkers with their dog, guns, and canned food.”

While many had expected Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) to enter the race, RuPaul explained that “Rand and I talked it over, and we both agreed that I’m a lot more in the mainstream than he is.”

Libertarian supporters noted that they felt “more confident than ever,” pointing out that Atlas Shrugged was currently #1,282 on the Amazon bestseller list, just behind A Wolf’s Desire, which is about sex with werewolves.

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Known for his fierce opposition to the Federal Reserve

Rand Paul accused of plagiarizing speech from crazy guy on street corner

5 Nov

LEXINGTON, Ky.—Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) was accused today of plagiarizing his stump speech from Elias Jarvle, a mostly-homeless man who spends his days wandering barefoot around Times Square with a sandwich board denouncing the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, and fluoridation.

“That darn Senator has stolen all my intellectual property around how the gold reserve is the only way to prevent the NSA from broadcasting propaganda about gun control and socialism through my dental fillings,” said Jarvle, wearing a falling-apart army jacket and, apparently, no underpants. “He also copied everything I’ve been saying about how Ross Perot planned 9/11 with the help of the IMF and the Trilateral Commission.”

Senator Paul released a statement in which he apologized for the plagiarism, which he claimed was inadvertent. “Because Mr. Jarvle and I think so much alike, it stands to reason that at times we would use the same wording,” explained Paul. “If I accidentally used his language when explaining why universal health care leads to totalitarianism and also how the IRS faked the Apollo landings, I am truly sorry.”

Later, Jarvle accepted Paul’s offer of restitution, consisting of a hot shower, ten dollars in Subway gift cards, and a speaking slot at the 2016 Republican national convention.

In “freakish coincidence,” malfunctioning drone attacks Rand Paul

9 Mar

WASHINGTON–in what puzzled scientists are calling a bizarre coincidence, Sen. Rand Paul (R–KY) nearly escaped death today when a malfunctioning Predator drone accidentally released its weapons while directly over him, incinerating his car.

“The odds of this have to be less than a billion to one,” said a CIA spokesman at a hastily called press conference. “The odds of an accidental weapons release striking someone–they’re just astronomical.”

“The Hellfire missile is heat-seeking, and satellite imagery showed an enormous column of hot air emanating from Senator Paul just before the accident,” said defense expert Col. Robert Wilson. “He survived only because the tinfoil hat he was wearing confused the Predator’s radar.”

The White House released a message of condolence and concern approximately fifteen minutes before the accident occurred. “I have no idea how that happened,” said President Obama.

Senator Paul was taken to Walter Reed hospital by first responders, who found him ranting incoherently by the side of the road. He was released after medical staff found that this was a pre-existing condition.

New Florida law requires voters to show proof of citizenship, whiteness

21 Jul

Tallahassee—Governor Rick Scott today signed a tough new law aimed at ensuring a clean election in November. The law requires prospective voters to prove that they are citizens, white, and “ideally” wealthy.

“This law will ensure that Florida elections adhere to the principles set out by our founding fathers,” said Governor Scott at the signing ceremony. “Specifically, the principle that only white men owning property could vote.”

Around the country, senior Republican leaders were quick to endorse the new law. “This is an innovative approach to tackling the age-old problems of election fraud and Democrats,” said Governor Rick Perry. He vowed to immediately press for a similar law in Texas, promising to go even further. “Florida has those, you know, good Latinos, the Cubans,” he said. “Ours vote the wrong way. So we might have to do something about that.”

Many commentators questioned whether the explicitly racist law  might in fact be unconstitutional. “I think it violates every single amendment to the constitution,” noted Professor Sally McGonagle of the San Diego Law School, pointing to little-known clauses providing for the forced quartering of soldiers in citizens’ homes.

Republican leaders were unbowed. “Just because a couple of people on the Supreme Court say a law is unconstitutional doesn’t make it so,” said Senator Rand Paul (R—Kentucky).

At press time, there was no clarity on exactly what tests would be used to determine whiteness. “We’ve gone back to some of the pre-Civil-War state constitutions, and there are all sorts of creative ideas about family trees and callipers and whatnot,” said Florida Secretary of State Ken Detzner. “Or we could give them a simple literacy test asking about the cast of Friends and who was on Conan O’Brien last night.”

Despite growing criticism from Democrats and civil libertarians, Detzner was unbowed. “After all,” he said, “it’s not like our voting system in Florida has ever caused any trouble.”

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