Tag Archives: religion

Growing concern as Muslim chosen as imam of local mosque

6 Nov

HOUSTON—local residents here are on high alert for terrorist threats following the news that a local mosque has selected a Muslim as its new imam.

“We all understand what’s going on here,” said Don Elfridge, chairman of a local anti-shariah committee. “First, Islam wants to take over all the mosques. The next step after that—total world domination.” Elfridge, who was seated across the road from the mosque on a camping chair with a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon, vowed that he and his friends wouldn’t sit idly by and watch.

The Quba Islamic Institute, which suffered an arson attack in February from freedom-loving Americans, announced that it had selected Ahsan Zahid as its new imam, citing his record of accomplishments inside and outside the Islamic community of Houston, citing in particular his positive engagement with non-Muslim residents of Houston after the arson attack.

“It’s just a smokescreen,” said Elfridge. “We all know what’s going on in there. They’re no doubt conducting religious worship and just waiting until we let our guard down.” Elfridge glanced away from the mosque for just a moment to pay the Domino’s guy, then resumed his vigil. “Not on my watch,” he added.

Experts say imposition of Sharia law only 358 votes away from veto-proof majority in Congress

7 Oct

WASHINGTON—underlining the serious threat that Islamic sharia law poses to the United States, conservative experts today estimated that a national law enshrining sharia’s role is only 358 votes away from a veto-proof two-thirds majority in Congress.

“It would only require 67 senators and 291 representatives to change their votes, and sharia would be the law of the land,” said David Eikleberry of the Heritage Foundation. “That’s 358 people—barely 0.0001% of the population—standing between us and mandatory hijab for all women.”

Eikleberry noted that the anti-sharia coalition was clinging to its shaky majority, but that he was worried about defections. “Just last week, I saw a photo of Nancy Pelosi eating pita chips at a barbecue,” he said. “What’s next? Harry Reid not spitting in the face of some Greek guy?”

The report immediately generated a strong response across the political spectrum. “This just goes to show how important it is to prevent Islam from taking over our government,” said Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee. “Imagine if one group of people were to try to impose their faith on the country by using the laws of this nation.”


These might simply be an innocent snack. But can we afford to take that risk?

Vatican reveals Pope Francis met with Kim Davis, attended Confederate flag rally, robbed liquor store

30 Sep

ROME—in a surprising turn of events, the Vatican confirmed today that Pope Francis met with noted anti-human-rights activist Kim Davis during his recent trip. In addition, he attended a Confederate flag rally, ran over an old lady with the Popemobile, and robbed two liquor stores in downtown Washington, D.C.

“His Holiness believes in respecting the power of civil disobedience,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Also, he just likes to raise hell.”

Many Americans who admire Francis were shocked to learn of his many previously undisclosed activities. “I really like what Francis says about focusing on charity and compassion,” said David Richter, a bartender in New York. “That’s why I was so surprised when he ducked into our place, grabbed the tip jar, and ran.”

The Vatican justified the decision to meet with Davis, explaining that “the Holy Father believes we should all stand up for our conscience.” A spokesman went on to add that “in the case of Kim Davis, also, he just sort of thought it would be a hoot.”



A Seahawks fan prayer

2 Feb

Editor’s note: most of our loyal readership will be that we here at twissblog are Seattle Seahawks fans. This is due, first, to the obsessive focus on obscure political in-jokes, and, second, generally anonymous authorship, compromised only when we are recognized by our distinctive shoes when we slip out of an apartment wearing a motorcycle helmet.* Having said that, today is an appropriate day to let a bit of sports partisanship supplement our notional political nonpartisanship. Back to making fun of John Boehner tomorrow, I promise.

All the best,


* See what I did there?


Dear Lord,

In this, the upcoming Super Bowl, where Thy faithful servants the Seattle Seahawks will play against the Denver Broncos, please, keep the Seahawks’ defensive line steady, and the secondary swift and high-leaping. Strengthen the arm of Russell Wilson and endow his receivers with fleetness of foot and sure hands. Gird the loins of Marshawn Lynch, so that he may break through the line and pile up much yardage, for Thy greater glory.

And above all, ensure that points rain down on the Seahawks, and that they do not turn the ball over to the Broncos, who after all have already won the Super Bowl twice, in 1997, and because apparently You decided that wasn’t quite enough, also in 1998, apparently because You felt bad for John Elway, which I guess I sort of understand, because he does look kind of like a horse. But if You give them the Vince Lombardi trophy again, dear Lord, then I will have to start wondering a little, You know, because I looked it up, and do You know when the Seahawks last won the Super Bowl? I mean, of course You do, but just as a reminder, it was NEVER. We have been watching this team for thirty-eight years, and over that time, with no disrespect, God, You have sometimes been kind of a dick about it, with Super Bowl XL, and telling Your servant Pete Carroll to ice the kicker against Atlanta last year, which because You are all-knowing and all-seeing, I can only presume You did because You had some money on the Falcons or something.

And please, Lord, You have done enough for Peyton Manning over the years, what with already having won the Super Bowl, and all those records, and everything, so maybe just lay off for this one game, and let him throw a few picks? You know? And to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure why You chose Peyton in the first place, because it wasn’t really that creative a decision, You know, when You were deciding where to hand out the football talent, to stick more in the Manning family. I mean, mighty Lord, I guess You were kind of busy back then, because I looked it up, and there was a general strike in the Congo the day he was born, so maybe You were busy with that and You just had this big pile of overdue quarterbacking to give someone, and You didn’t really have time to find some deserving baby born to steelworkers in Ohio, or something, and You just went to Your old standby, so I guess that’s okay. But really, God, I think You’ve done enough for Peyton at this point, okay?

Oh, and another thing, Lord, what was up with that cheap hit on Percy Harvin? I get that it is a rough game, but, really, when he was just coming back, Your will being that he get his bell rung by Rafael Bush, and then when apparently that didn’t get the job done, sending Malcom Jenkins after him, I mean, I’m not complaining, but it does sort of look suspicious, You know? Like You wanted him out of the game and kept sending Your thugs to make sure the job got done? And I can’t help but wonder if maybe You actually have something going here, like You are still mad for something Chuck Knox did back in the eighties, and there is some kind of curse? Because otherwise it kind of smells fishy, You know, God?

So anyway, I don’t mean to complain, or anything. In Your infinite wisdom, You will ensure that the right outcome will prevail, et cetera, on February 2, and, okay, I get it. But I’m just saying, You know? I mean, the folks in Denver, they already seem like godly people, so I think You’re safe there. But, You know, Seattle is right on the edge, God-wise. I mean, the Super Bowl could tip it either way, do You know what I’m saying, Lord? I really don’t want this to sound like a threat or anything, but if You are looking to shore up Your position in the Pacific Northwest, church-wise, I’m just saying it would be a pretty smart move to let the Seahawks win.


New Republican plan: Jesus to resolve shutdown

14 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the voting public increasingly blaming them for the government shutdown, and with no obvious compromise on the horizon, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives today announced their new plan, which is for Jesus to return, abolish Obamacare, and re-open the government.

“The Bible tells us that the Lord will provide,” said Rep. Matt Salmon (R–AZ). “The way I see it, that means we can blunder around without a plan of any kind and paint ourselves into a corner, and Jesus will eventually come bail us out.”

Rep. Ted Yoho (R–FL) confirmed that the GOP had broken off negotiations over the budget and the debt ceiling, deciding instead to “put our faith in Jesus,” waiting for him to return and “lay the smack down” on the White House. “Jesus definitely has our back on this one,” explained Yoho. “If there’s one thing he hates, it’s caring for the poor and the sick.”

When asked if there was a backup plan, just in case Jesus failed to intervene in the budget dispute, Yoho grew visibly angry. “Did Moses have a backup plan?” he asked, face crimson. “Did the disciples? Are you saying you don’t believe?”

Asked whether he was seeking any kind of divine intervention to resolve the shutdown, President Obama thought for a moment. “I think thirty or forty lightning bolts might help,” he finally said.

Catholic hierarchy worried that Pope Francis will “endanger core values of bigotry”

20 Sep

ROME–shortly after Pope Francis’s interview in which he made clear his intention to de-emphasize homophobia and anti-abortion rhetoric in Church teachings, senior Catholic leaders around the world warned that “soon, our cherished traditions of bigotry may be no more than a footnote” in doctrine.

“First, we lost anti-Semitism. Then racism fell by the wayside. It looks like homophobia and misogyny may be next. Who will be left for us to fear and hate?” asked Archbishop Pietro Dellascagni of Milan.

American Catholics were particularly concerned. “If Jesus wanted us to have compassion and mercy for our fellow man, then why isn’t there any of that stuff in the Bible?” said Bishop Ted Flanagan of Madison, Wisconsin. “I think we ignore the Scriptural emphasis on school-board elections at our peril.”

Anti-abortion activists were particularly scathing. “The Catholic Church has always taught that each and every human life is sacred,” said Operation Rescue captain Danny Laskers, stepping over a comatose homeless man on the street in order to hurl abuse at a woman entering a Planned Parenthood in Baton Rouge. “All this blah-blah-blah about the sick, the poor, the hungry–where is he getting this garbage?”

Francis had no comment. Sources said that, in an effort to live even more like an everyday person, he was spending the day moving out of the spartan hostel where he currently lives into a Motel 6 just outside Nashville and getting a job as a greeter at the Walmart just outside town.

Conservatives warn of “rush to tolerance” as Pope Francis moves away from homophobia

29 Jul

WASHINGTON—leaders of the Republican Party and other social conservatives today expressed “grave disappointment” as Pope Francis made some reasonable comments about gay priests today, warning of a potential “rush to tolerance” if others followed his lead.

“If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” said Francis on a news conference as he returned from his first overseas trip.

“I can tell you who I am to judge—the head of the Heritage Foundation, that’s who,” said former Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina), who because of a recent misunderstanding now runs a “think” tank. “Once we start to abandon unthinking bigotry, what will be left?”

While gay and straight people alike were heartened by Francis’s words, social conservatives were gravely disappointed.

“First, they gave women the vote, back when I was in my mid-forties, and I said nothing,” said Senator James Inhofe (R—Oklahoma). “Then African-Americans received civil rights, and I stood idly by. But now, if we lose mindless hatred of gay people, what will our party stand for?”

An aide whispered in Sen. Inhofe’s ear, and he quickly corrected himself. “Besides preventing people from getting health care, of course,” he said.

God tells Michele Bachmann not to run in 2014, citing FEC investigation and tough fundraising environment

29 May

MINNEAPOLIS—Rep. Michele Bachmann (R—MN), the controversial Tea Party figure, today announced that after “extensive prayer,” she had been directed by God not to run for re-election in 2014.

“God said that in light of the Federal Election Commission’s inquiry into the fundraising for my presidential campaign, as well as some tough polling data and donor fatigue, He recommended that I not run again,” said Bachmann. “I have chosen to take His advice.”

God’s advice reflects His greatly increased role in tactical political decision making among conservative Republicans. “God traditionally confined His advice to asking people to run for offices they were hugely unqualified for, like Sarah Palin for VP,” said one expert. “But now He’s getting involved with procedural votes in the House and campaign scheduling.”

Leading athletes have been unhappy with God’s increased role in the Tea Party. “We used to have God helping out with free throws and half-court shots at the buzzer,” said NBA star Kevin Durant. “Now it seems like He’s too busy advising the Texas Congressional delegation to vote against background checks for gun buyers.”

Despite his heavy involvement in her disastrous 2012 presidential campaign, Bachmann still said she valued God’s advice. “Sure, last year was a disaster, and logically I should stop taking God’s advice,” said Bachmann. “But logic has never played a role in my thinking.”

Pope Francis is nice again, delivering on entire mandate

16 Mar

ROME–in a historic turn of events, Pope Francis 1 single-handedly reversed the downwards spiral of the Roman Catholic Church by being super-nice and awfully humble yet again.

“First, he asked for a latte, and when I explained we were out of milk, he ran across the street to a grocery store and bought some,” said Laetita Fabrizzi, proprietor of a small coffee shop where Francis made an unscheduled stop earlier today. “Then he patted a little puppy and gave it a snack.”

According to Vatican insiders, Francis’s humility was a major reason for his election as pope earlier this week. “Sure, we may be facing an overlapping series of crises that threaten to bring the church to its knees,” said Cardinal Scola, himself considered a leading candidate for the papacy. “But the man is just so darn nice, we figured, what the heck.”

Sources report that Francis, having been humble and extremely kind for several days, has delivered on his entire platform, and may consider resigning in the coming weeks. “Let’s face it, every conclave and new pope gives the church a big shot in the arm,” said one anonymous source. “We should do this every year.”

New Pope pledges to cut sexual abuse by 8%

13 Mar

ROME–the College of Cardinals today elected Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Archbishop of Buenos Aires, to be the 266th Pope. He will be known as Pope Francis.

Speaking to a jubilant crowd that packed St. Peter’s Square in Vatican City, Francis laid out a bold agenda of reform, pledging to reduce the sexual abuse of children by 8% over the next ten years.

Going further, he promised the crowd that he would slow the growth in money-laundering and would make “incremental changes” to the governance structure of the Church.

“I promise to you, my friends,” said Francis, “that at the end of my Papacy, our Holy Church will be only somewhat less relevant to the lives of Catholics–not significantly less relevant.”

Experts were impressed by the forcefulness of his plans. “Francis already sounds like the kind of leader who can take the Church into a period of managed decline,” said Vatican journalist Massimo Dellatore. “Let’s see if he can live up to these bold claims.”

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