Tag Archives: republican party

GOP confounds White House through disciplined program of random, purposeless actions

27 Jan

WASHINGTON–as President Obama’s second term gets underway, he faces stiffer-than-expected opposition in the Republican Party, which is showing a united front as it undertakes a far-reaching program of entirely arbitrary, irrational, and self-defeating actions.

“We’ve tried being reasonable, or at least making some kind of sense, and it hasn’t worked for us,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–Ohio), addressing the Republican National Committee’s annual winter meeting in Charlotte, NC. “That’s why I’m so excited about our new plan of purely random activity.”

Sources close to the RNC say that the program has been underway on a trial basis for the past several months, during which Congressional Republicans first threatened a shutdown, then averted it, then preached moderation, then campaigned on a pro-rape platform, then threatened a shutdown, then averted it again, then supported Obama’s Democratic cabinet choices, then opposed his Republican nominee for Defense.

“Make no mistake about it,” said Senator John McCain (R–Arizona). “There is absolutely no plan here. None whatsoever.”

“We used to have a coherent strategy,” said Reince Priebus, chair of the RNC. “Then we had an incoherent strategy, which we all enjoyed a lot more. And I’m  really excited now not to have any strategy at all.”

Priebus noted that entirely random activity had a “proud, long-standing history” in the Republican Party. “Nixon made decisions on the basis of irrational paranoia,” he observed. “Reagan consulted astrologers. And George W. Bush–boy, what a kidder that guy is–pretended that he was having hallucinations in which he would talk to Jesus.”

In his speech, Boehner explained that a sophisticated algorithm had been developed to guide the party’s decisions. “It’s by the same guys who did Mitt Romney’s voter database, so we know it’s going to be good,” he explained. When asked if he could explain further, Boehner consulted the algorithm, and then said “The future is hazy. Try again later.”

Conservative Republicans, disappointed by narrow election loss, begin planning for much wider loss in 2016

28 Nov

WASHINGTON—disappointed by Mitt Romney’s narrow defeat in the presidential election, conservative Republicans from around the country have already begun planning for 2016, with the hopes of losing by a much greater margin.

“I’ll say it again: America is going down the toilet, and the American electorate is crazy and stupid,” said Rep. Trent Franks (R—AZ). “For Mitt Romney to win the votes of 48% of those people shows that his policies were grievously flawed. I’d like to see our next nominee land in the low forties, maybe high thirties.”

Sen. Lindsay Graham (R—SC) agreed. “We’ve done a good job of alienating ladies, colored folks, and Sodomites. But Romney was way too acceptable to working-class voters and Wall Street. The party needs to take a sharp right turn, and quickly.”

At a meeting of the Republican Governors Association in Las Vegas, speakers consistently reiterated the necessity to maintain ideological purity in order to ensure that angry middle-aged straight white middle-class men in the South continue to turn out in high numbers. “Remember, folks: creationism, the gold standard, life begins at conception, deportation, and no civil rights,” said Gov. Rob Bentley (R—AL). “Don’t give them an inch.”

Jockeying has already begun among the party’s leaders, as several governors and senators position themselves to lose in 2016. The first test will come over the coming months as hopefuls move through the conservative conference circuit. The second test will come next May on a special edition of the ABC obstacle-course game show “Wipeout.”

%d bloggers like this: