Tag Archives: republican

Chris Christie denies he even wanted that job at the car wash

13 Aug

TRENTON–Gov. Chris Christie (R) today denied that he had even wanted the cashier’s job at Hassan’s 24-Hour Car Wash, just down the street from the statehouse. Owner Hassan Haleed announced yesterday that the role would go to 27-year-old Ron Wetherston, who will be leaving his post at Arby’s in the coming weeks.

“I already have a job,” said Christie after checking his phone. “While the cashier’s job at Hassan’s is of course a real plum, I’m not thinking about what comes next. I’m focused on doing the best job that I can for the people of New Jersey.”

Experts dispute this account, noting that Christie had been promoting the car wash extensively in recent weeks, twirling a big arrow on the sidewalk outside Hassan’s and promoting the “Luxury Wax” service in frequent speeches.

Wetherston, who many think was picked because of his familiarity with the type of cash register used at Hassan’s, spoke graciously of Christie. “He’s a real talent, and he will always be a close friend of the car wash,” said Wetherston. He did not respond to questions asking whether Christie might be able to get a different job on the lot, perhaps in concessions or on the hose. “It’s too early for those discussions,” he said.

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Melania Trump tells GOP convention that “I have a dream”

19 Jul

CLEVELAND–Melania Trump, the wife of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, held the Republican convention spellbound here yesterday, telling the delegates that “I have a dream…that one day my children will live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.”

 

As the delegates rose to their feet, spellbound by her eloquence, she continued.

 

“When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.”

 

While some criticized her speech for not having enough racism, or inciting violence, everyone was impressed by her conclusion.

 

“With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow “and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” she said, to wild cheering throughout the hall.

“Ask not what your country can do for you,” said Ms. Trump, “but what you can do for your country.”

John Kasich confident he will start to beat Marco Rubio “soon” in primary voting

25 Mar

COLUMBUS, Ohio–a few days after finishing fourth in the Arizona Republican primary, behind Marco Rubio who had already dropped out of the race, John Kasich announced today that “we absolutely have Marco in our sights, and we’re going to overtake him very, very soon.”

While some experts doubt that Kasich, who has only won his home state to date and whose appeal to Republican voters has proved extremely limited, will ever beat Rubio, the campaign issued a list of talking points explaining why they “believe John can get it done.”

The list notes that Rubio has removed his name from most of the remaining ballots, and that he has widely publicized his decision to drop out of the race.

“We’re pretty sure that when they know their candidate is completely out of the race, some voters might consider John Kasich, if they don’t want to vote for Trump or Cruz, or if they have eyesight problems, or shaky hands,” said a spokesman for the Kasich campaign. “That’s our target demographic.”

Republican leadership trying to remember why they thought voting was such a good idea

17 Mar

DALLAS–speaking at a closed-door session of Republican donors and activists today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus tried to lay out the case for why the party moved away from smoke-filled rooms towards primaries where people can vote.

“It had something to do with…it wasn’t justice, exactly, but it was something like–I think maybe there was a tax angle to it?” Priebus finally said, scratching his head in puzzlement.

As Donald Trump continued his run of successes in the Republican primaries, party leaders have been checking the fine print on what exactly winning primary elections means.

“Look, I’ve checked, and presidential primaries aren’t mentioned even once in the Bible,” said Sen. Mike Lee (R–UT). “To my mind, then, they are null and void.”

Lee’s sentiment was widely shared by party leaders. “Sure, we have these votes, but I always like to think of them as purely advisory,” said House Speaker Paul Ryan (R–WI). “The party can pick anyone it wants to run for president. If they want to ditch Trump and go with–for example–a young Midwestern congressman who seems reasonable and really would like to be President but doesn’t like the work involved to get there–that’s up to them.”

Priebus closed his speech by noting that “sometimes the votes go your way, and sometimes they don’t. And when the latter happens, we like to go to Plan B.”

  
Not that Plan B.

Donald Trump clarifies that he was talking about former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich

12 Mar

NEW YORK–seeking to clear up a misunderstanding, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump explained that his comments last week were an endorsement “of my good friend Robert Reich,” referring to the Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration.

“I know it’s fanciful, but I think it would be great if Robert Reich lived for a thousand years,” explained Trump. “I don’t know what you guys thought I was talking about.”

Trump also explained that he liked the Secretary so much that instead of candles on his next birthday cake, “we should all parade around with torches–that’s how excited I’ll be to celebrate.”

Finally, Trump expressed surprise that “anyone cares about how big my living room is. So I want to expand it a little–what’s the big deal?”

  
“So they’re waving,” said Trump. “What’s the big deal?”

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

  
“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Rubio’s Minnesota-only strategy pays off handsomely

2 Mar

ST. PAUL, Minnesota—putting all doubts about his candidacy to rest, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) swept to victory last night in the Minnesota caucuses, with more than 41,000 votes and a solid margin of victory over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

“They said we couldn’t do it,” Rubio announced to an ecstatic crowd at his victory party here. “They said our exclusive focus on Minnesota would backfire, that we didn’t have a viable path to the nomination. And you know what I say to those people?” he continued, looking around for dramatic effect. “I say…twelve delegates in the bag.”

Terry Sullivan, Rubio’s campaign manager, was in a similarly upbeat mood. “There’s still some mopping up to do,” said Sullivan this morning in an exclusive interview with twissblog. “We need to win, you know, all the other states. But with Minnesota firmly in our column, I don’t think anyone has any doubts.”

Republican party elders, worried about the rise of Donald Trump, seemed immensely relieved by the results. “When I saw the AP call Minnesota for Marco, it was like a whole weight was lifted off my chest,” said Mitch McConnell. “Either that, or my heart attack was going away.”

Rubio renewed his appeal to Ted Cruz to drop out of the race. “I salute Ted’s service to the American people,” said Rubio towards the end of his speech. “But at this point in the race, he’s only won four states, and has less than twice the number of delegates I do. It’s time for the party to come together behind me.”

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