Tag Archives: republicans

Seeking to clear up email controversy, Hillary Clinton holds town-hall meeting at undisclosed location

6 Mar

[REDACTED]–as controversy grows over Hillary Clinton’s refusal to use government email systems while Secretary of State, the presidential candidate has scheduled an open-attendance town-hall meeting to “clear the air,” at a location that will not be shared with the public.

“We’d like the public to have a chance to hear directly from Hillary on these and other issues,” said a spokesman. “We’re going to throw the doors open and let all comers ask anything they want, if they can just figure out where we are.”

The spokesman went on to say that for “operational and strategic reasons,” the campaign wouldn’t be more specific other than to say that the meeting would take place somewhere in the continental United States, perhaps “at an eating establishment of some kind, or maybe an actual hall or room or something.”

Clinton, who has had trouble in the past with an apparent penchant for secrecy, issued a statement that began “Dear Friends,” followed by six pages of blacklining and then a request for money.

Growing concern among Republicans that American economy may be improving

6 Feb

WASHINGTON—After this week’s strong jobs report, which showed a significant increase in the labor force as well as upward revisions to the job creation of recent months, leading Republicans today expressed concern that life might be getting better for the majority of Americans.

“You plan, and you work, and you take dozens of symbolic votes in the House to repeal Obamacare, and then a piece of bad luck like this just drops in your lap,” lamented Ted Cruz (R–TX). “The job growth, the improving consumer confidence, the wage improvements–it’s putting everything we’ve worked hard not to accomplish in jeopardy,” he said.

Not everyone had lost hope. On a recent visit to London, Paris, Tokyo, Singapore, and Hong Kong, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) shared his confidence that “we still might see the hopes and dreams of the American public go down the pooper” in time for the 2016 presidential election. He added that he looked forward to paying a brief visit to New Jersey “just as soon as I’ve finished trips to Italy, Germany, Yugoslavia, the Soviet Union, India, and China.”

Jeb Bush, speaking to a gathering of Republican mayors as part of his regular duties as the ex-governor of Florida, enthused about an “America full of breadlines and crime,” noting that “in times of crisis, Americans will want to see a middle-aged white guy in charge, and I’m one of those.”

Rick Perry returned a call seeking comment, but could not easily be heard, as he held the phone upside down for the entire conversation.

Official Portrait
We could have used a photo of any of these guys, but we here at twissblog have a particular fondness for Smilin’ Chris Christie, and want to use his official state portrait as often as possible.

Chris Christie makes strong play for stupid vote with anti-vaccine comments

4 Feb

LONDON–Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) made several comments yesterday in support of parents who choose not to have their children vaccinated against measles, thereby staking out a strong claim to the stupid vote in the upcoming GOP presidential primaries.

“It’s not that I’m saying that the anti-measles vaccine will make you gay,” said Christie to startled reporters. “It’s just that I’ve challenged CDC Director Tom Frieden to provide us with proof–not assurances, cold hard proof–that the current vaccine wasn’t created by Elvis Presley and JFK using alien technology to read our thoughts.”

When asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that the vaccine is safe and effective, Christie noted that “the jury is still out on science,” and said he would wait for more information, preferably delivered on mimeograph paper with lots of typos.

When asked whether he wasn’t letting his presidential ambitions get in the way of promoting public health, Christie was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’d draw the line at about five hundred dead kids,” he said finally. “If we had five hundred kids dead from measles, then I might pull back a little. One hundred, two hundred to get me to the White House–that feels fine.”

Official Portrait
“Obviously my kids have been vaccinated and won’t get measles, but that doesn’t mean yours can’t.”

GOP legislation plans to win votes from Latinos who oppose immigration

15 Jan

WASHINGTON–in a shrewd political move, the House Republican leadership yesterday added several anti-immigrant provisions to a national security bill, seeking to make further inroads with the burgeoning “xenophobic Latino” vote.

“Conventional wisdom says that our party is doomed if we can’t get traction with Hispanics,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “However, our pollsters found that Latinos who opposed immigration is the fastest-growing group of voters, increasing thirty-three and a third percent in the last two years.” Boehner’s phone then buzzed; after checking it, he added triumphantly, “Make that sixty-six and two-thirds percent.”

“They’ve won me over with their hard line,” said Jose Duarte, 37, a Mexican-American real-estate broker in Houston. “If we let my family members come over the border, they”ll probably just want to live nearby and spend time with me and become productive members of society. Who wants that?”

Boehner promised that “this isn’t the last outreach you’ll see to our colored brothers,” noting that he expected further progress in attracting racist African-Americans as well as women who resented being paid as much as their male colleagues.

In shift, Republicans will start to complain about breakdown in sanctity of gay marriage

31 Jul

WASHINGTON–cementing a trend towards greater open-mindedness, the Republican Party today altered its official platform to start bemoaning how no one respects gay marriage any more, and how things are much worse than they used to be.

“We need to be seen as the party of tolerance,” said Reince Priebus, RNC chairman. “That’s why, effective immediately, we will start making narrow-minded judgments about how all Americans, gay and straight, are letting this country go to the dogs.”

Like many people, Priebus attributed his change of heart to getting to know gay people in everyday life. “There used to be this unmarried gay couple that lived across the street, and I never thought anything of it,” he explained. “Then one day, I saw the two of them, and it just started to make me mad–living in sin like that just made me sick, and it was tearing at the fabric of our society. And that’s a change towards inclusion I hope all Republicans can make.”

Lisa Niedermayer, a divorced lesbian mother of two, was pleased to hear of the change in the GOP platform. “On behalf of divorced gay people everywhere, I’m really pleased that I’ve started to be a disappointment to the Republican Party,” she said.

Following Eric Cantor defeat, Congressional Republicans strive to sound even crazier

13 Jun

WASHINGTON—only days after Eric Cantor’s stunning primary defeat to an unknown Tea Party challenger, Republicans have been falling over themselves to sound even nuttier and more conservative than usual.

“Read my lips,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). “No more fluoride.” Yoho, who is already among the most extreme members of the House, then unveiled his list of “Ten Batshit-Crazy Things I Will Do In My Next Term,” which included a pledge to nominate rancher Cliven Bundy as the US ambassador to South Africa and a promise to invade Belgium or another smallish American ally “to stay in shape.”

Speaker John Boehner, meanwhile, who has been accused of being too accommodating to the Obama administration, launched his personal initiative, “Building a Bridge to the Nineteenth Century,” a package of reforms aimed at “making America great again.”

“Can we actually claim that America is any better off, now that women can vote?” said Boehner. “All that’s happened since then are mind-control rays in our dental fillings and the faked moon landings.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX), not to be outdone, announced that he was digging a bunker under the Senate to hold his canned goods and firearms. “All I have to say, Mr. Secretary-General of the United Nations, is: bring it on,” he said, tinfoil hat secured under his chin with what looked like a wolverine tail. “You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, using your space lasers and secret alien technology.”

Trey Radel resigns from Congress to run for mayor of Toronto

27 Jan

WASHINGTON—Rep. Trey Radel (R—FL) announced today that he is resigning from Congress to fulfil his lifelong dream of “getting involved in Toronto politics.”

The surprising announcement from the 37-year-old freshman was unexpected and was in no way whatsoever prompted by any other news that people might or might not have heard, explained an aide.

The decision seemed to have put Radel in an uncharacteristically ebullient mood, and at the press conference he was speaking extremely loudly and quickly.

“I can’t tell you how excited I am about this next phase of my life,” said Radel. “I feel like I’ve already started it, to tell you the truth

GOP Congressman Steve Stockman invites racist rodeo clown to Texas; cites “professional courtesy”

15 Aug

FRIENDSWOOD, Texas—Freshman Republican congressman Steve Stockman (R—TX) today announced that he was inviting a rodeo clown, whose racist impersonation of Barack Obama created controversy at the Missouri State Fair, to perform in Texas. Stockman explained that his invitation was motivated by “professional courtesy to a colleague.”

“This guy and I have a lot in common,” said Stockman. “He’s been in the business of whipping up crowds into a racist frenzy for years, and I’m sure he’s got a lot of great tips for me.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” said Aditya Sood, Professor of Clown Studies at UCLA. “There aren’t that many racist clowns left, so they stick together.”

Stockman, whose achievements to date in Congress include sponsoring legislations to allow guns in schools and voting against the Violence Against Women act, seemed surprised by the negative reaction to his invitation. “If you’re saying we can’t make fun of black people at rodeos any more, what’s next? Giving them the vote?”

Stockman explained that his invitation was a defense of free speech. “In America, people are allowed to say whatever they want,” he said. “Constitutional scholars agree that only way to protect that right is to say incredibly offensive things all the time. I’d like to think I’m part of the solution.”

In wake of Zimmerman controversy, Florida to institute strict license-and-limit regime for killing black youth

15 Jul

TALLAHASSEE–reacting to criticism following the acquittal of George Zimmerman in the death of Trayvon Martin, Florida today announced that it would institute a strict requirement that all neighborhood vigilantes have a license before killing black teenagers, and that there would be a strict season limit of three regular teenagers or five suspicious ones.

“This tragedy has underlined the need to strictly regulate the killing of African-Americans in our state,” said House Speaker Will Weatherford. “If these rules had been in place a year ago, Trayvon Martin would still be alive, unless George Zimmerman had filled out an application and paid a $35 fee.”

The permits will be issued by the newly renamed Florida Department of Fish, Wildlife, and Civil Rights, and will come with an instant voting-background check.

“I think we can all agree that these commonsense rules will help prevent a lot of confusion,” said presidential hopeful Sen. Marco Rubio (R—Fla). “I encourage residents of this great state to ensure their permits are in order, preferably before the next election rolls around.”

Sensing an advantage, Republicans plan sweeping program of internal squabbling and incoherent policy gestures

18 May

WASHINGTON—as the Obama administration lurches from disaster to disaster, Congressional Republicans today outlined an ambitious plan to squander their advantage on pointlessly divisive initiatives with no hope of success.

“President Obama has failed to oversee the IRS effectively,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). “Therefore, I plan to propose a constitutional amendment to outlaw homosexuality, now and forever.” Cruz went on to suggest the death penalty for doctors performing abortions and forbidding any gun control of any kind.

Other GOP members were not to be outdone. “I have some serious questions about the Administration’s approach to Benghazi,” said Sen. David Vitter (R—Louisiana). “This makes it the appropriate time to reconsider my law to carve Jesus and Ronald Reagan into Mount Rushmore.”

House Republicans were not ready to move forward as quickly as the Senate. “Before we go proposing any legislation, we need a messy internal fight that alienates the American people,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “I’d like to see some of our truly wacko freshmen and sophomores start just tearing into me, now, while we still have time.”

The White House, in the meantime, unveiled a proposal to take back the initiative by continuing to screw up one cabinet department after another, so that the Republicans can never get the time and attention to put forward their agenda. “You wouldn’t believe what we’ve got planned for the National Park Service,” said a spokesman.

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