Tag Archives: romney

Mitt Romney decides not to run in 2016, disappointing tens of supporters across America

31 Jan

BOSTON–Mitt Romney’s decision not to undertake a third presidential campaign has “devastated” the literally tens of supporters across the country who were hoping he would run again, a longtime advisor said.

“There’s a guy in Florida who said he was definitely in for $25 if Mitt would run, and I had a couple folks in Texas who said they were seriously considering voting for him,” said Bill Christiansen, head of the organization Run Mitt Run. “I had some leads in Nevada I was working as well.”

According to Christiansen, there are “literally tens of people all across the country” who will be “heartbroken” at the news.

In a statement, Romney noted that the decision had come after a long discussion with his wife Anne and his ten or twelve sons, including Tagg, Buck, Biff, Hamm, Mutt, Bugg, Doc, Sneezy, Grumpy, and Bashful. They all supported the choice, he said.

Independent research by twissblog turned up another such supporter, a New York woman who would only give her name as “Hillary.” She said, “I think Mitt Romney would be the ideal Republican nominee in the general election.”

Experts agree that Romney’s withdrawal is a positive for the GOP, as it will free up resources for other candidates, such as money and hair products.

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With his political career now behind him, Mitt Romney announced relief that he would no longer have to stand exclusively in front of large American flags.

Mitt Romney campaign pledges to learn from mistakes it made in 2012, like backing Mitt Romney

22 Jan

BOSTON–as Mitt Romney starts to prepare for a third presidential campaign, key advisors and senior staff members have said that they will learn from their critical mistakes in the 2008 and 2012 campaigns.

“So clearly, supporting Mitt was a bad call,” said John Hensling, a Republican pollster and Romney loyalist. “If there’s going to be a Romney 2016, we need to start by choosing someone way better to support.”

Romney agreed that he would have to think more carefully about the campaign’s choice of nominee. “I owe it to the country to give this a third shot,” he said in a casual interview shot inside his money bin. “The only problem, of course, is me.”

Democrats were openly worried at the prospect of a third Romney campaign. “The guy can raise more money than anyone else,” said Stuart Peachmuzzle, a senior advisor to Vice President Joe Biden. “If he launches a campaign, and then Romney 2016 supported someone that the American people don’t, you know, hate, then we could be in trouble.”

Hensling, the Republican pollster, was said to be canvassing ideas for a candidate that the Romney campaign could get behind. “I’ve made a shortlist of electable candidates,” he said to a reporter, trying to hide a cocktail napkin in his hand that had “Hillary Clinton” written on it in Sharpie.

2015/01/img_0081.jpg “We had the money, we had the ground game, we had the nice suit…we were only missing one thing…”

Romney plans to shake up campaign by hiring replacement NFL officials

24 Sep

ANCHORAGE, Alaska—acknowledging that he has lost momentum and needs to do something to regain it, Mitt Romney announced today that he would be hiring the current crop of replacement NFL referees to run his campaign and his polling, effective immediately.

“I can say with great confidence that this will literally be a game-changer,” said Romney at a press conference here at the Anchorage Hilton. “For example, my old team would never have thought to bring me here to visit Alaska—the largest state we’ve got! Just another example of the kind of creative energy I’m going to get out of these new guys.”

“I’m super-excited,” said former line official Bart McCloskey, peering through thick glasses, trying to spot the reporter interviewing him. “Mitt Romney has the ideas, the charisma, and the brownish-beige-ish blurry outline that I want in a president.”

Although the replacement NFL officials have come under criticism from football fans for blown calls and a slow pace of play, pundits predicted that they would have great success reinvigorating Romney’s presidential campaign.

“These guys are short-sighted, have poor judgement, lack authority, and don’t know what they’re doing,” said Rush Limbaugh. “That’s a big step up from Stuart Stevens.”

Although the NFL was initially disappointed to lose its replacement officials, a league spokesman said that they had been able to hire the now-unemployed former Romney campaign staff. Matt Rhoades in particular got off to a quick start, arguing that journalists were misinterpreting the game scores from last weekend, and that it was entirely possible that the Panthers would actually be ahead of the Giants once midweek polling was complete.

According to Paul Ryan, the change in personnel has already started to pay dividends for the campaign. “Last week, our internal numbers showed that we were losing in Wisconsin 48 to 45. But since these new guys have taken over, they show that we’re winning by forty percentage points.”

Ohio woman changes her mind after viewing 10,000th political ad

14 Sep

ZANESVILLE, Ohio–Susie Delacourt had spent the last several months planning to vote for Obama. But yesterday, after viewing her ten-thousandth political commercial for Mitt Romney, she changed her mind and decided to vote Republican.

“The first 9,999 ads really didn’t budge me at all,” said Delacourt. “But this last one? It made me realize that Mitt Romney is actually the candidate for me.”

With Delacourt’s switch, the Romney campaign issued a press release that their sixty-million-dollar ad campaign in Ohio had garnered them fifty-one new votes, as opposed to Democratic advertising, which has changed the mind of only twenty-two people.

“When Susie Delacourt changed her mind, she joined literally dozens of other voters in Ohio who have come to realize that Barack Obama is the wrong man for the job,” said Romney campaign manager Matt Rhoades. “There is also an old guy living a few miles west of Susie who might be wavering, we think.”

Outside experts agreed that the saturation strategy employed by both sides would likely continue to be effective. “Look, the first several hundred times you see a campaign ad, it’s easy to ignore,” said media expert John Shilling. “But after eight, ten, twelve thousand viewings, you start to pay more and more attention.”

Delacourt had seen this particular ad seventy-six times before, “but this time it really stuck with me.” It is an ad from the outside PAC, Americans for America, sponsored by the Koch brothers. Some have criticized the ad for a tagline which could be seen as racially charged, “Black people are coming to take your women.”

Obama bumps into tourist, apologizes

13 Sep

RENO—Mitt Romney took the offensive again today against Barack Obama, criticizing the President’s “craven policy of appeasement” after Obama apologized to a tourist from Beirut upon accidentally knocking him down.

The incident occurred while Obama was while working a rope line of supporters here today. Getting in position for a photo, the president backed into the Lebanese man, causing him to fall over and shatter his camera. He told the tourist he was sorry and helped him to his feet.

The Romney campaign was quick to respond. “Apparently one Apology Tour wasn’t enough,” said Romney in a prepared statement. “Barack Obama thinks that America needs to make excuses for the way it behaves at home and overseas. Under a Romney presidency, Americans will be able to jostle tourists with pride and with dignity.”

Conservatives were quick to echo Romney’s criticism. “First the American embassy in Cairo condemns hate speech,” said Ann Coulter, referring to the statement released this week opposing an anti-Islam video, “and now Barack Obama feels like he needs to apologize. This kind of weak leadership cannot be allowed to stand.”

The Obama campaign was caught off-guard by the incident, but responded quickly, issuing a clarifying statement. “When President Obama said ‘sorry about your camera,’ he in no way intended the statement to be construed as an apology,” said spokesman Ben LaBolt. “The President is proud to have bumped into someone and hurt him. At no point was an apology ever considered.”

“Too little, too late,” said Mitt Romney. To underline the point, he finished his campaign trip to Florida with a visit to the Druzhba Retirement Home, where he punched eighty-three-year-old Russian national Ludmila Goncharova in the face. “Am I sorry?” he asked the assembled crowd rhetorically, which roared back “NO,” cheering wildly.

Romney gives today’s hint on his taxes: “It’s bigger than a breadbox”

17 Aug

BOSTON—as part of his campaign’s clever approach to keeping national attention squarely on the Republican ticket, Mitt Romney today released another clue as to how much tax he has paid in the last decade.

 

“So, if you took all my taxes, converted them to twenty-dollar bills, and put them next to each other in a little pile, the pile would be bigger than a breadbox,” said Romney, in a rare press conference. “Also, you wouldn’t want to leave it on the back seat of your car in a rough neighborhood, if you know what I mean.”

 

Under further questioning from the media, Romney also said that the first number “rhymes with ‘-illion’” and that if you sewed it all together, “it could definitely make a nice warm blanket.”

 

“I love this game!” said Anderson Cooper shortly after leaving the press conference. “We ask questions; he fends them off. He gives us a clue; we try to work out what it means. I could talk about this on-air for weeks!”

 

Explained Romney spokesman Rick Gorka, “we think Americans admire Mitt Romney the most when he is cagey and dissembling, and dragging out this tax return story as long as possible helps us position him just the way we want to.”

 

Ann Romney reinforced the campaign’s stance. “We aren’t going to release the returns, because that would just give the Democrats ammunition to use against us,” she said. “For example, the fact that my husband has committed a number of felonies in recent years. They would probably try to attack us for that.”

 

The Obama campaign was once again left playing catch-up. “I tell you, we are trying to get Joe Biden’s speeches front and center in the press,” said frustrated campaign manager David Plouffe, “and Mitt just keeps grabbing the spotlight with all these dribbles of information.”

Romney hits middle-class issues such as NetJets fees, spiralling dressage costs

16 Aug

TAMPA—Mitt Romney used a rally here on Wednesday to show that he was in touch with middle-class pocketbook issues such as increasing NetJets fees, higher costs for keeping dressage horses, and the growing worldwide shortage of high-end caviar.

“Look, I’m just like anyone else,” said Romney to the oddly subdued crowd of roughly 3,000 people. “I feel the pain when prices increase on basic staples like gold, beachfront property, and yacht crews. We’re all facing the same problems.”

Responding to criticisms that he was out of touch with the economic suffering of middle-class Americans, Romney used the speech to show that he understood and shared the financial concerns of the average citizen.

“Take rising gas prices,” he said. “I know a lot of you own older planes. They’re aluminium, basic avionics, and they’re heavy, so you get bad mileage. A dollar a gallon doesn’t sound like much, but it could mean the difference between a winter in St. Barts and one on Hilton Head.”

Tapping into a populist vein, Romney went on to criticize the banks. “When will they start loading their ATMs with something other than twenties? You’re headed to the store, you want to take out two or three grand in cash, and they give you a stack of bills that’s an inch and a half thick. How are you going to fit that in your wallet?”

Romney also went out of his way to show that he too had employment concerns. “Look, I know what it’s like to be worried about pink slips,” he said towards the end of his speech. “A couple of times when I was at Bain, we almost ran out of them.”

Kim Jong Eun worried that Paul Ryan is a “crazy madman”

14 Aug

PYONGYANG—Kim Jong Eun, the reclusive dictator of North Korea, shared today his concern that Paul Ryan is a “complete lunatic” and “utterly heartless.”

“I mean, he seems friendly and all,” said Eun in a rare, candid interview. “But when I actually read that budget plan? This guy makes Jim DeMint look like Dennis Kucinich.” Eun went on to express his fears that Ryan’s proposed spending cuts would fall disproportionately on “vulnerable working-class and elderly Americans.”

Eun, who is better known for bloodthirsty anti-Western rhetoric and provocative military demonstrations, made the comments in a two-hour interview with South Korean television. After forty minutes of threatening to drench America in its own blood and destroy Seoul with a thousand pillars of nuclear fire, he took an unexpected detour to discuss the American presidential election.

“I mean, Romney seems like a reasonable man who had to move right for the primaries,” said Eun. “I’d like to see more specificity in his tax and health-care proposals, because I can’t get the numbers to add up, you know? But Paul Ryan—that guy just scares the daylights out of me.”

Ryan, campaigning in Iowa, responded to Kim Jong Eun’s attacks.

“I guess people have a pretty cushy life in North Korea,” said Ryan at a campaign stop in Cedar Rapids. “But I believe that people other than me should look to the private sector, not the government, for income and health care.”

“I agree with what Paul said,” said Mitt Romney later in the day, after getting permission from Ryan to respond. “That’s okay, right?”

Romney picks Hall of Fame pitcher Paul Ryan as running mate

11 Aug

BOSTON—in another of the unconventional, audacious moves that are becoming his hallmark, Mitt Romney today announced that he was planning to pick baseball’s all-time strikeout leader, Paul Ryan, as his running mate in November.

“Five thousand strikeouts? Seven no-hitters? More than three hundred wins? I’ll take that kind of performance any day of the week, whether on the pitcher’s mound or in the White House,” said Romney at a press conference to announce his choice.

Paul Ryan was not present at the press conference, choosing instead to remain in Dallas, where he is president of the Texas Rangers team. A statement later released by his office stated that he was eager to serve however he could.

Best known for his blistering fastball, Paul Ryan spent more than twenty-five years pitching in the major leagues, going to the All-Star Game eight times and setting numerous records. He is the only player to have his number retired by three different teams.

There was a rare moment of levity when a junior reporter for the Madison Daily Bugle asked if perhaps Romney had meant to pick Nolan Ryan, the chairman of the House Budget Committee.

“No, no,” said Romney, waving his hands and smiling as the room erupted in laughter. “Pick a right-wing ideologue with a plan to gut Social Security and no experience actually doing anything? What, you think I want to hand this election to the Democrats?”

As usual, the Obama campaign was left on the defensive by Romney’s bold choice. “What, he picked the baseball Ryan?” said David Plouffe, visibly surprised. “We were hoping for the congressman—that would have been like a pinata at an eight-year-old’s birthday party.”

Later in the day, the Obama campaign released a photo of a sixteen-year-old Joe Biden playing shortstop for the Archmere Warriors. “See, we’ve got one, too,” said a spokesman.

Romney accuses Obama of conducting diplomacy

26 Jul

RENO—in a speech yesterday to the VFW, Mitt Romney sharply criticized President Obama, accusing him of “conducting diplomacy” and “speaking to foreign leaders.”

“I have it on good authority,” said Romney, waving a sheet of paper in the air, “that the Obama administration has on several occasions engaged in discussions with people who are not Americans. They have even at times shown flexibility and offered compromise.”

Republican disgust was quick to materialize. “If true, this is further evidence that Obama will not rest until we are all French-speaking, weird-food eating, passport-owning socialists,” said Sen. Jim DeMint (R—South Carolina). “Talking to foreigners like equals, instead of shouting at them through a megaphone to get out of the way of your Bradley AFV, is the first step towards losing what makes us American.”

Representative Louie Gohmert (R—Texas) concurred. “George Washington, who by the way owned slaves—I’m just saying—warned us against foreign entanglements. The minute we start engaging in commonsense give-and-take discussions with other countries, we are officially entangled. Everyone knows the quickest and easiest way to do these things is a shock-and-awe invasion followed by quick pacification, rebuild, and exit.”

Romney, perhaps anticipating the firestorm he was about to unleash, skipped over the most inflammatory parts of his prepared text, in which he accused Obama of showing “pragmatism and nuance” in his foreign policy. Instead, he ad-libbed a hilarious joke about a regular guy from Reno who lets his NetJets card expire, and then can’t get to an important dressage event on time.

The Obama campaign scrambled to respond. “Yes, the President does occasionally speak to foreign leaders,” admitted David Plouffe. “But he is almost always mean, and works hard to avoid making constructive suggestions.”

“Too little, too late,” said Matt Rhoade, Romney’s campaign manager. “There’s a time and a place to talk to people who don’t speak English, and that place is in a deportation hearing.”

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