Tag Archives: russia

Azerbaijan president irritated that Putin, Kim Jong Un are the only dictators Americans know about

9 Sep

BAKU, Azerbaijan–in a sparsely attended press conference today, Azeri President Ilham Aliyev expressed his “growing anger” at America’s lack of knowledge of or interest in his repressive regime. He blamed a number of factors, saving particular anger for Vladimir Putin of Russia and Kim Jong Un of North Korea for “sucking up all the oxygen” in the dictator-awareness space.

“Those guys, it’s more that they’re famous dictators because they’re famous dictators, you know?” complained Aliyev. “If you look at the fundamentals, I’m just as autocratic. I’m just as irrational. I built the world’s tallest flagpole. I blew billions of dollars on the made-up European Games. But Vladimir Putin rides in a submarine, or trots around on a horse, and he’s on the front page of the Post. I mean, where’s the parity?”

Aliyev also blamed the “winner-take-all” model of social media, in which “we only seem to have time for one or two crazy dictators, and all the others are ignored.” He went on to cite the efforts of “a number of real up-and-comers, young guys who are doing good, creative work, and they just can’t break through.” He cited Teodoro Obiang of Equatorial Guinea as an example of a “crazy young autocrat who just isn’t getting focus,” while also decrying the lack of respect shown to Belarusian president Aleksandr Lukashenko as “ignoring our elders and betters to chase the hot new thing.”

Aliyev did admit that both Putin and Un “have real talent,” citing in particular Un’s habit for being photographed looking at things. “I’m not saying they shouldn’t be getting the love–they might even be one and two on the leaderboard–but we need to share the wealth to numbers three and below.”

Aliyev went on to raise the specter that “if things don’t change, I might stop doing crazy repressive things altogether.”

In addition to his skill at arresting journalists and rigging elections, Aliyev is known for his hilarious Scattergories answers and general clowning around.

Vladimir Putin solves all of Russia’s economic problems by riding in a little submarine

19 Aug

MOSCOW–palpable relief washed over the Russian capital today as the news spread that Vladimir Putin had singlehandedly solved all of the cripping economic and other problems facing Russia by going for a ride in a little submarine.

“It has been a difficult year, with the drop in the oil price and the sanctions,” said Lyudmila Goncharova, a fruit seller at the Orlovsky produce market. “But when I saw the pictures of Vladimir Vladimirovich in that cute little submarine, I knew our problems were at an end.”

The Russian authorities were vague on how, exactly, Putin’s little submarine ride would revitalize the economy. “By making Russia great again!” explained one government spokesman, before looking at his watch and explaining that he needed to leave urgently for an appointment.
After the dive, in which Putin looked at an ancient shipwreck, the Russian President spoke to reporters, explaining that he had just closed the gaping Russian deficit caused by the decreased oil price, and had also strengthened the ruble. “It just takes firm leadership,” he said. He then pointed to the little submarine and noted that it was entirely Russian-made, “except for the submarine part. Paint job is one hundred percent Russian.”

Professor Arkady Strogatevich, an economist at Moscow State University, noted that if necessary, Putin could do even more for the Russian economy. “In the west, where they use girlie-man ‘macroeconomic tools’ instead of strong leadership, they have already lowered interest rates to zero, so they have nowhere else to go,” he explained. “But you will see that in the photos of the Russian submarine, President Putin has not even taken his shirt off.”

Honestly, everyone at twissblog just loves this guy. We think he’s dreamy.

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”


In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

Russian public relieved as Vladimir Putin reappears after weeklong absence, now eight inches taller and left-handed

16 Mar

MOSCOW—after a mysterious absence of over a week, Russian President Vladimir Putin today reappeared in public. The Russian ruling class and public were relieved to see that he was in fine health, although a few observers did point out that he was now significantly taller, wrote with his left hand, and now seemed unable to speak fluently in his native tongue.


“My fellow Russians,” said Putin in Russian. “I am very much pleased to again be the presidenting of such a fanciful country. Many felines go with you.”


In a press conference with the president of Kazakhstan, Putin also switched to English, not a language he has traditionally spoken, to plug his new movie “Rock the Kasbah.” Said Putin, “it’s going to be epic.”


Putin’s absence from public view for eleven days created a number of rumors that he was unwell, or had been deposed in a coup. However, his reappearance immediately put those rumors to rest, despite the fact that he did not seem to recognize any of his long-time staff members, and also that he expressed in English the desire to “get my check and get out of here.”

Putin reported feeling “great”

Russian investigators conclude Boris Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back

9 Mar

MOSCOW–one week after Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was killed a few hundred feet from the Kremlin, investigators announced today that they have cracked the case, proving conclusively that it was suicide.

“Based on witness testimony, we now know that Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back, and then, when he was down on the pavement, savagely stabbed himself several more times,” said Col. Yuri Lukashinsky, a senior investigator with the Moscow police. “We believe his intention was to throw himself in the trunk of a car and drive his own body out to the woods, somewhere, but he became aware of passersby and was unable to complete his plan.”

Lukashinsky said that a critical witness, known only as “VP,” was a few hundred feet away and saw everything.

“This confidential witness’s testimony was incredibly compelling,” said the policeman. “Not only did I believe everything he said, but I found myself persuaded that he had a greatness, a personal genius, that could be the salvation of Russia, and indeed that only he could prevent our Western enemies from encircling and destroying us.”

VP’s identity is being shielded to maintain the impartiality of the investigation.

According to Lukashinsky, no firm motive for Nemtsov’s suicide has been established. “However, we are looking closely into allegations that he was distraught over his failure to love the Motherland sufficiently,” said Lukashinsky. “Either that, or it was an accident.”

An unidentified young man reported seeing the whole thing.

Russian opposition leader murdered; Vladimir Putin vows “vigorous investigation” to find out whom he ordered to do it

28 Feb

MOSCOW–prominent Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was murderer earlier today in Moscow, only a few hundred yards from the Kremlin. Hours later, Russian President Vladimir Putin promised to identify the killers, “even if it means going through all my old emails to do so.”

“I promise to find the real killers, no matter what it takes,” Putin vowed. “I’ve already been through all my credit-card statements, and it isn’t on there, but now I’m going to go through all the pockets of all my pants.”

Nemtsov, a one-time rising star in Russian politics in the 1990s, was by far the most prominent dissident to be murdered so far this week.

The Russian police said they were “very close” to making an arrest, noting that the murder was probably committed by “someone who was in Moscow yesterday or today.” Combined with the observation that it was unlikely to have been committed by a young child or an invalid, the police reported that they were narrowing in on a few million suspects.

The Kremlin offered the suggestion that Nemtsov might have been killed for reasons unrelated to his role in opposition politics. “For example,” said Putin, “I understand he was way behind on his cable bill.”


I can’t hear you, because this gun keeps making loud shooting noises.

Vladimir Putin singlehandedly captures Ukrainian town of Debaltseve

19 Feb

Debaltseve—breaking a months-long stalemate in the war between the Ukrainian government and Russian-backed rebels, Vladimir Putin today captured the key Ukrainian town of Debaltseve, killing dozens of Ukrainian soldiers and pushing the bulk of the army several miles to the west.

“We were pinned down in street fighting, taking cover from enemy fire, when all of a sudden this shirtless guy gallops up on a horse,” said a rebel soldier named Yuri. “He charged straight at the enemy lines, disabled their riflemen with some amazing judo moves, then drove the rest of them back with throwing stars and a blowgun.”

The Russian government denied that there had been any involvement of the Russian government in Putin’s remarkable one-man assault. “While early reports suggest that indeed a man named Vladimir Vladimirovich broke the back of the CIA-backed spy army in Debaltseve, there is no reason to believe that he had any affiliation with the Russian government,” said a spokesman. “Although if he did, he would probably be a wise leader, full of strength and vision but also compassionate to the needs of the poor and the sick, loved by children, and trusted by animals.”

Shortly after reversing the tide of the Ukrainian civil war, Putin led a flock of migrating cranes to their winter breeding grounds, helped a local sawmill meet its quota by knocking over hundreds of trees with his bare hands, and then went scuba-diving in a nearby pond and found several ancient amphorae. He was unable to find an additional forty dollars per barrel of oil, however, as he had previously promised to do.

We had a hard time choosing between this classic photo and one of Putin shooting a whale with a crossbow.

Putin explains Russian soldiers in Ukraine “just got lost,” also document titled “Ukrainian invasion plan” just a typo

27 Aug

MOSCOW–hours after the Ukrainian government released video of elite Russian paratroopers captured outside Donetsk, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the crack soldiers “probably just got lost and wandered over the border.”

“It is easy to see how it would happen,” said Putin. “You’re out for some drinks, you’re wandering around, you accidentally scale four barbed-wire fences, tiptoe through a minefield, and drug a pack of German shepherds, and then you look up and–BAM–you’re in Ukraine without even realizing it.”

Putin also said that documents found on the soldiers, titled “Secret Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine by the Russian Military, Personally Approved by Vladimir Putin” were actually just copies of the class schedule for the Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness Studio, and that the title and detailed plans and maps were just a “typo.”

“They probably have a secretary over at Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness who dropped something on her keyboard, and those were the random letters that were typed as a result,” explained Putin.

Finally, Putin explained that the fifteen thousand Russian soldiers streaming across the border shouting “Victory or Death!” this morning were just looking for a bathroom.

Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine”

23 Jul

MOSCOW–as pressure on Russia mounted over the recent downing of a civilian airliner, killing 298 people, President Vladimir Putin denied that he had ever supplied arms to rebels in, or ever heard of “this so-called Ukraine.”

“Look, I guess there must be something on our Western borders, but I sure don’t know what it is, and I’ve never been there,” said Putin. “I’d be afraid of falling off the edge of the world, or being eaten by a sea monster.”

Putin, speaking from horseback to reporters, said that “there is no way Russia could have supplied anti-aircraft missiles to rebels in–what did you call it? Hurricane?–because we have no such weapons ourselves.”

Asked about the “Made in Russia” stenciled on the backs of missiles seen in news photographs, Putin explained that they were “typos.”

Asked further about a note found in a crate of missiles that read, “Hello from Oleg, deputy foreman at the Export Division of Anti-Aircraft Missile Factory Number Three in Smolensk, Russia!”, Putin explained that “the experts are really not sure whether Smolensk is a real place, either.”

Putin added that Russia could not afford to build missiles. “As you can see here today, the country is so poor that I am unable to afford a shirt, and need to keep warm by flexing,” he explained.

Vladimir Putin speaking to reporters, immediately before beating an alligator to death with his bare hands

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