Tag Archives: russia

Pro-Russian demonstrators seize buildings in Boise, Idaho

6 May

BOISE—the Ukrainian crisis took a new and startling turn today as hundreds of pro-Russian demonstrators seized control of government buildings all across this mid-sized city.

“We have three demands,” said the newly self-appointed mayor, who gave his name only as “Dmitri Number One” and claimed to be a lifelong resident of Pocatello. “First, we demand complete independence from United States and full union with Mother Russia. Second, colder winters. And third, we demand to repel German invaders. If Germans do not wish to invade, you must make them, so that we can be covered in glory.”

Deposed mayor David Bieter expressed his anger at the change and his conviction that Moscow was behind the change. “This has the fingerprints of Bill Lambert, the mayor of Moscow, Idaho, all over it,” fumed Bieter. “He’s still mad that we didn’t cut him in on the Potato Days festival.”

No one could explain where a large group of Russian speakers demanding secession had come from, so suddenly. Most demonstrators refused to comment or could not speak English; those that could maintained that they had been born in Idaho and lived there for decades.

“Why so suspicious?” asked Mr. Number One, the new mayor, at a press conference. “Around world, everyone demands union with Russia. Is all one hundred percentage spontaneous, I assure you.” He spoke on the steps of the Boise town hall, now flying the Russian flag, in front of a backdrop of men in camouflage fatigues cradling rifles, shotguns, and millions of dollars of Warsaw Pact surface-to-air missiles. “Just some things we had at home,” explained the mayor.

Russia demands that Ukraine withdraw troops from Ukraine

3 May

MOSCOW—an angry Vladimir Putin today demanded that the Ukrainian government immediately “cease its incursion into Ukraine” and withdraw its troops.

“We demand that Ukraine respect its own territorial integrity, and remove the troops that it has sent into itself,” said Putin, speaking to competitors in a combined judo/equestrian/money-laundering competition being held here.

Putin then noted that the US Army had recently sent a battalion of troops from Fort Hood to Fort Bragg for training. “Also unacceptable,” he announced. “No agreements are possible while American soldiers are illegally occupying North Carolina.”

Putin said that as long as the Ukrainian army was deployed in Ukraine, Russia would refuse to abide by the terms of the recent Geneva agreement intended to calm the situation in the country. “And as you know, Russia only voids international agreements in case of extremity,” said Putin, “like a nuclear emergency, or it’s Tuesday, or I need a haircut.”

US upgrades Russia sanctions from “token” to “symbolic”

29 Apr

WASHINGTON–showing his usual flair for bare-knuckles diplomacy, President Obama today announced that he was ratcheting up sanctions against Russia, moving them from “token” to “symbolic” in response to continued agitation against Ukraine.

“Until now, I have focused our response on meaningless gestures of disapproval,” said Obama at a press conference. “Today, I’m taking the next step with a wide-ranging program of minor irritants.”

The State Department said the new list of sanctions included confiscating the frequent-flyer points of Russian officials, ineligibility for Two-for-One Tuesday’s at T.G.I. Friday’s, and a “pronounced slowdown” in talks to license HBO’s show “Girls” to air on Russian television.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment, according to his office, because he was busy horseback riding, deep-sea diving, parasailing, breaking boards with his head, and bear wrestling.

Vladimir Putin invades Ukraine, imprisons journalists, takes in a Clippers game

28 Apr

LOS ANGELES—in the middle of one of the biggest post-Cold War international crises, Russian President Vladimir Putin decided to relax today and watch the Los Angeles Clippers take on the Golden State Warriors in Game 4 of their playoff series.

The move surprised many Putin opponents inside and outside Russia. “The guy is so evil so much of the time, and then he does some normal-dude thing like cheering on the Clippers? Gotta respect that,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

Putin attended as a personal guest of Clippers owner Don Sterling and sat in his box. Wearing his usual relaxed attire of camouflage pants and no shirt, surrounded by several ancient amphorae, Putin seemed in a playful mood, occasionally pranking his seatmates by having goons beat them severely. There seemed to be excellent chemistry between him and Sterling, who kept smiling to each other and laughing.

After the game, which the Clippers lost, Putin expressed his desire to visit an American cattle ranch. “Maybe on government land in Nevada,” he said.

Fulfilling pledge of “toughest retaliation” for Crimea, EU cancels “Russian Night” in staff cafeteria

18 Mar

BRUSSELS–in a bold move showing Vladimir Putin that “Europe means business,” the EU announced that it was responding to Russia’s annexation of Crimea with the “biggest weapon in our diplomatic arsenal,” canceling this Thursday’s long-awaited “Russian Night” in the staff canteen.

The announcement was made by an anonymous weedy little man named Jacques, or George, or something, who is currently serving as the Deputy Second Assistant Minister for Cafeteria Affairs. By longstanding tradition, the DSAMCA position is rotated among Norway, Belgium, and a nice little sushi place in Lisbon.

EU staffers were excited, although also a little nervous, at the move. “I think Russia only expected a symbolic slap on the wrist,” said a woman with rimless glasses who is “very senior” in the European legislation-shipping business. “They were surprised when we closed the special matrioshka-doll exhibit two weeks early, and then this has them completely flat-footed.”

Putin had no immediate response to the EU’s move. His staff said that he was busy shooting. His staff later issued a clarification that he was busy shooting animals.

After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia

17 Mar

EDINBURGH–After what authorities are calling “significant confusion” over the format of the ballot, Scottish voters on Sunday overwhelmingly favored seceding from the United Kingdom and becoming a province of Russia.

“Apparently the ‘butterfly ballot’ design confused some voters,” admitted Angus McFinneran, chair of the Scottish Electoral Council, referring to the design which led many Scots to select the Russian option when they thought they were voting for enhanced autonomy within the UK and a greater share of oil revenues.

Many voters also admitted to having been confused by the Scottish pro-independence campaign, during which First Minister Alex Salmond was frequently photographed riding a horse shirtless and diving for ancient amphorae in the North Sea.

Under the terms of the referendum, all state-owned assets in Scotland were immediately sold for fifteen pounds to Vladimir Ivanov, owner of a small grocery store in Glasgow. “Totally transparent sales process,” said the new governor for the Russian province of Scotland, Vladimir Ivanov.

Vladimir Putin, when informed of the news, was surprised but nonetheless expressed his full support for the idea. He said something that might have been in a Scottish accent, or perhaps was Russian, and then drank an Irn-Bru and ate a deep-fried Mars Bar. “Who are we to stand in the way of Scottish self-determination?” he later said.

Russian army deploys to Ukrainian border in order to conduct traffic study

14 Mar

MOSCOW—tensions decreased here today when Vladimir Putin explained that the deployment of several thousand Russian soldiers to the Ukrainian border was simply a traffic study, and not the prelude to another invasion, as many have feared.

“For years, our scientists have been wondering what would happen if you took half a dozen crack assault divisions and tried to move them along the roads close to our borders,” explained Putin at a press conference here. “Finally, the answers are within our reach.”

The Ukrainian government, already under tremendous pressure from the Russian occupation of Crimea, was visibly relieved. “Normally we would find this sort of behavior concerning,” said a spokesman. “But a traffic study is such a logical explanation for almost anything that we aren’t worried.”

Putin also announced that, because the goodwill created by spending $52 billion on the Sochi Olympics had clearly been destroyed by the invasion of Crimea, he was planning to pile up another $20 billion in Red Square and light it on fire. “If that doesn’t earn respect, I don’t know what will,” he said, apparently meaning it.

Putin explains Russian troops in Crimea were just looking for the bathroom

5 Mar

MOSCOW–stung by international criticism of his invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday held a press conference in which he explained the 6,000 Russian troops in Ukraine were mostly “just looking for the bathroom.”

“It is so simple even children know it,” said Putin disdainfully. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Putin explained that extensive remodeling on several Russian army bases had led to long lines for restrooms, and as a result, many soldiers had swum several miles across the Kerch Strait separating Russia from Ukraine “without realizing where they were as a result.”

Putin seemed sharp and in control throughout the 66-minute press conference, except for a 25-minute digression into how NASA faked the moon landings and a 14-minute stretch where he repeated “show me all the blueprints” over and over.

GOP demands Obama one-up Putin by invading Canada

5 Mar

WASHINGTON–as pressure mounts on Obama to do something about Russia’s seizure of the Crimean peninsula, the Republican Party has united around the suggestion that President Obama invade and occupy a portion of Canada, “to show that we can do it too.”

“Right now, Putin’s holding all the cards,” said Sen. John McCain (R–AZ). “He thinks he’s the only one who can invade a friendly neighboring country with impunity. Well, let’s show him we can do that, and more.”

McCain suggested that either Newfoundland or Nova Scotia would be good places to start. “Canada would hardly miss them,” he explained, “and they’d look good in a CNN special graphic.”

The White House later issued a statement saying that it was considering either “launching a massive military response” against Russia or, as a backup plan, “basically doing nothing.”

After the invasion threat, Canada attempted to put its military forces on highest alert, but apparently he was off camping with his family.

Russia seeks warmer relations with Ukraine by invading it

2 Mar

MOSCOW—in an attempt to restore the historical close relationship between Russia and Ukraine, President Vladimir Putin today announced that he was invading the country.

“For too long, our respective governments have been mistrustful of one another,” said Putin in a rare televised press conference. “I hope that by overwhelming Ukraine with military force, they will come to understand the depths of our affection.”

The invasion, focused on the Crimean peninsula in the south of Ukraine, is similar in many ways to Russia’s attack on Georgia in 2008. “If history teaches us anything, it’s that the best way to ensure national security is by having messy enclaves with no clear governing authority on your borders,” explained Putin.

“The Russians and Ukrainians are family,” he said. “And like all families, we sometimes have disagreements which we resolve through the deployment of thousands of heavily-armed soldiers in armored vehicles.”

In a bold move, President Obama warned that he was downgrading his mood from “irritated” to “pissy,” the strongest reaction in the US diplomatic arsenal.

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