Tag Archives: science

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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Chris Christie makes strong play for stupid vote with anti-vaccine comments

4 Feb

LONDON–Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) made several comments yesterday in support of parents who choose not to have their children vaccinated against measles, thereby staking out a strong claim to the stupid vote in the upcoming GOP presidential primaries.

“It’s not that I’m saying that the anti-measles vaccine will make you gay,” said Christie to startled reporters. “It’s just that I’ve challenged CDC Director Tom Frieden to provide us with proof–not assurances, cold hard proof–that the current vaccine wasn’t created by Elvis Presley and JFK using alien technology to read our thoughts.”

When asked about the overwhelming scientific evidence that the vaccine is safe and effective, Christie noted that “the jury is still out on science,” and said he would wait for more information, preferably delivered on mimeograph paper with lots of typos.

When asked whether he wasn’t letting his presidential ambitions get in the way of promoting public health, Christie was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’d draw the line at about five hundred dead kids,” he said finally. “If we had five hundred kids dead from measles, then I might pull back a little. One hundred, two hundred to get me to the White House–that feels fine.”

Official Portrait
“Obviously my kids have been vaccinated and won’t get measles, but that doesn’t mean yours can’t.”

CDC encourages American parents to receive anti-ignorance vaccine

4 Feb

ATLANTA–Tom Frieden, the director of the Centers for Disease Control, today encouraged all American parents who have not yet done so to receive a new anti-ignorance vaccine that is being rushed to market.

“This new compound is safe, effective, and affordable, and will have significant benefits for public health,” said Frieden.

The vaccine is administered in the form of a single sheet of paper that explains the overwhelming scientific evidence that the measles vaccine is safe and effective. Frieden explained that it was painless and required less than five minutes.

The vaccine is contraindicated for some small groups, such as politicians tacking right for the GOP primaries, but otherwise should be distributed “as widely as possible.”

Frieden noted that the scientific consensus behind the safety and efficacy of vaccination was “overwhelming,” and that the only suggestion to the contrary was a 1998 paper that used an innovative statistical technique known as “falsified data.”

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Frieden asked if he would be more convincing if he stood on a street corner and held up a handmade sign stating that vaccines are safe

GOP: new research proves that ignoring climate change actually will make it go away

8 May
Temperature changes over the last 50 years--red shows an increase; blue shows a decrease

Temperature changes over the last 50 years–red shows an increase; blue shows a decrease

TROY, Alabama—leading conservatives gathered here today to announce one of the greatest anti-scientific achievements of the decade, the discovery that denying climate change actually causes it not to be happening.

“According to the latest temperature map, Troy here actually has gotten colder over the last fifty years,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions (R—AL). “Is that because global warming is a fraud perpetrated by homosexuals? You bet it is.”

Climate scientists released a map yesterday showing that in areas of the country where the Republican Party is the strongest and climate denial is at its highest, particularly in the South, temperatures are flat or even down over the last century. In contrast, some of the greatest increases have taken place in California and the area around New York City.

“The obvious strategy is to keep denying that climate change exists,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “If we don’t believe, then it won’t come true.”

If that strategy fails, Sen. McConnell also announced that “leading Republican climate scientists” had created a backup plan, which is to strategically deploy “Stone Cold” Steve Austin around the country to bring down temperatures as required. “It’s a foolproof plan,” said McConnell. “And even if it’s not, who doesn’t love Stone Cold?”

Deep fears for America’s competitiveness as Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, dies at 89

17 Jan

SEATTLE—concern over America’s scientific and engineering capabilities grew today as Russell Johnson, better known as “The Professor” on Gilligan’s Island, died yesterday at age 89.

The cause was a falling coconut, family members reported.

Johnson was well-known for his pioneering ability to build sophisticated telecommunications products using only items commonly found on desert islands. After developing a series of radio receivers out of palm fronds in the 1960s, he went on to develop a range of mobile devices using fish parts, rocks, and native vegetation.

Working before the rise of the venture-capital industry, Johnson’s many startups were funded primarily by longtime friend and neighbor Thurston Howell III, who made a second fortune commercializing Johnson’s many inventions.

Although Johnson had been less active in recent years, he said recently that he felt vindicated to learn that his signature “clamshell” phone was experiencing a resurgence in popularity.

Chinese rover lands on the Moon; immediately begins suppressing dissent

14 Dec

BEIJING–in a sign of China’s growing power, officials here announced that the country had successfully landed a working lunar rover on the surface of the moon.

“I am delighted to inform you that at 0600 hours, the Chang’e-3 rover successfully landed in Sinus Iridum on the moon,” said a spokesman for the People’s Ministry of White Elephant Projects. “The rover has begun to carry out its mission of searching out and suppressing any lunar activity likely to undermine national glory or the cohesion of the people.”

In response to questions as to what kind of dissent the rover was likely to find on the surface of the airless, lifeless Moon, the spokesman produced a list of “accomplishments to date,” which included:

– Jamming any attempt to access the unfiltered internet from the Moon
– Rearranging a group of discolored rocks that “arguably were a disrespectful portrait” of Chairman Mao
– Conducting a tiny, one-rover parade to celebrate National Amphibious Landing Defense Day

According to the PMWE, the lunar rover is just one step in a set of ambitious projects planned for 2013-2015, which will culminate with piling billions of dollars up in the desert and lighting them on fire.

Fukushima nuclear plant “perfectly safe” after glitch; residents advised to hide in anti-mutant-lizard bunkers

19 Mar

TOKYO–one day after a blackout took the cooling systems offline, the nuclear plant at Fukushima remains “perfectly safe,” according to one official who was devoured by an enormous, angry lizard-man during a press conference here today.

“Even if a very slight radiation leak were to occur, there is no way that–AAGH!” said spokesman Masayuki Ono. As the giant lizard devoured him, he explained that minor hiccups in operational and safety systems would have “no impact” on local communities.

Prime Minister Shinzo Abe called for calm in a televised statement made in a secret bunker six hundred feet below the surface. Surrounded by scientists working in a last-ditch effort to create an anti-mutation ray, or at least find a secret island where a select group of humans could rebuild civilization, he explained that “there is absolutely no cause for alarm whatsoever” over the latest minor malfunction.

As a precautionary measure, elderly citizens were advised to boil their water, and all survivors were told to flee cities with whatever weapons they could find and dig holes to hide from any giant lizards, moths, or turtles. “Just to be on the safe side,” said Abe, as he boarded a rocket ship that will take him to a secret colony of survivors in orbit around the moon.

Shares of Tepco, the Japanese utility that owns Fukushima, were down 2.6% at 3pm local time, at which point the Tokyo Stock Exchange was destroyed by Japanese fighter-bombers seeking to destroy a colony of radiation-enhanced ant-men nesting there.

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