Tag Archives: scotus

Republicans demand that Obama wait and let Hillary Clinton nominate the next Supreme Court justice

16 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the battle to replace Antonin Scalia got underway, more and more Senate Republicans have demanded that Hillary Clinton be allowed to nominate the next Supreme Court justice.

“Barack Obama’s policies have failed this nation, and any justice he nominates would certainly be too far left for the country,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “Therefore, I must insist that we wait until Hillary Clinton becomes president, and allow her to nominate her own far-left nominee.”

The Republican presidential candidates agreed. “The next president should fill this vacancy,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX). “And once she’s sworn in, we can have a reasonable debate about who it should be.”

Cruz also criticized Obama’s stated intention to nominate a replacement soon. “What gives him the right to nominate a justice so close to the end of his term?” asked Cruz. “Besides the Constitution, I mean.”

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Clarence Thomas unsure whether he should die in his sleep, too

14 Feb

WASHINGTON–as the period of official mourning for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia got under way, Justice Clarence Thomas was reportedly considering whether to die in his sleep as well.

Thomas, who is well known for voting with Scalia 91% of the time, has asked friends and family “whether this is a precedent to follow as well.” As at press time, he was apparently undecided.

Obama tries to think of something nice to say about Antonin Scalia

13 Feb

WASHINGTON–twenty-four hours after the death of Justice Antonin Scalia, President Obama was still trying to think of nice things to say about him, sources close to the White House say.

“Justice Scalia was always someone you knew existed, even when you didn’t call him or talk to him for years on end,” said the President in an official statement. “He showed up for work, and owned a black robe like the other justices.”

Speaking later in the day, Obama added that “he lived in a house,” and also that “he apparently enjoyed Italian food, which I also like, although we probably liked different specific dishes, if I have to guess.”

“No one who knew Antonin will ever forget that his name was always a little tricky to spell if you weren’t thinking about it,” said Obama in closing. “And I think that may be his legacy to us all.”

  
“Without a doubt, Justice Scalia had reasonably flexible fingers,” said Obama.

New Republican plan is for killer asteroid to repeal Obamacare

25 Jun

WASHINGTON–fresh off yet another defeat as the Supreme Court today affirmed Obamacare, leading Republicans coalesced around a different plan, hoping that a killer asteroid will plunge into the Earth and destroy health-care reform, along with life as we know it.

“While this Supreme Court ruling is a bitter pill to swallow, we are confident that our new strategy of awaiting a killer asteroid will prove to be the undoing of Obamacare,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R–KY). “When a handful of survivors crawl out of their bunkers a generation later, they will be free from the tyranny of government attempting to provide health care to working-class Americans.”

The Supreme Court ruling confirmed that the federal government could offer health-insurance subsidies to all Americans, regardless of whether the exchange on which they bought insurance was organized by the federal government or by individual states. Four plaintiffs had argued that state-based exchanges were ineligible for subsidies on the grounds that moments before the vote to pass the ACA, a House clerk eating a hot dog had dropped a large dollop of ketchup on the key phrase in the bill.

Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from the 6-3 ruling, arguing that “what matters is the bill that was passed, not the bill that would have been passed if it didn’t have ketchup spilled on it.”

Leading Republicans were bitter after the ruling. “The whole point of the Supreme Court is to help our party win battles that we can’t win through elections,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “I guess they forgot why we elected them in the first place.”

According to the new Republican plan, there is a 4% chance that a killer asteroid will hit the earth some time during this century, possibly creating a mass extinction event, which would “somehow undo Obamacare,” said Boehner. “And 4% is better than our odds in the next presidential election, at the rate we’re going.”

Gov. Bobby Jindal (R–LA), who just declared his candidacy for the Republican nomination, also expressed his unhappiness with the ruling. “If the travesty that is Obamacare stands,” he said, “my state will lose some of its great traditions, like children dying from preventable diseases.”

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Supreme Court rules corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” in the name of religious freedom

1 Jul

WASHINGTON–in a thoughtful, tightly reasoned ruling, the Supreme Court today found that corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” as long as they claim some kind of religious motivation.

“Our country was founded on religious liberty,” said the majority ruling. “Therefore, we’ve decided to toss everything else out the window. Go nuts.”

The case began when the craft store Hobby Lobby claimed that the religious principles of its owners prevented it from complying with the Affordable Care Act and covering contraception for employees. The suit was then joined by Walmart, which noted its longheld religious beliefs that the minimum wage, health and safety requirements, and anti-discrimination laws were “tools of Satan” it could not in good conscience adhere to.

Afterwards, the American Restaurant Association revealed its “longtime but hidden beliefs” that kitchen hands should never receive overtime, while several construction firms pointed to their belief that being hurt on the job is “God’s punishment for carelessness” and that compensating injured workers is a “sacrilegious tampering with His plan.”

The ruling came on a close 5-4 vote, a split historically associated with some of the Court’s finest work, such as Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.

Following Supreme Court decision, experts warn that America’s natural reserves of political corruption may be exhausted by 2030

3 Apr

WASHINGTON—after yesterday’s McCutcheon ruling eliminated caps on campaign contributions, environmentalists warned that America’s corruption reserves, once thought to be virtually unlimited, could be exhausted as soon as 2030.

“The rate of depletion is going to increase substantially,” said David Brown of the Sierra Club. “Already, some of the largest deposits in easy-to-mine areas such as the White House and Senate are virtually gone.”

According to a batch of recently released studies, lobbyists desperate to replace their proven reserves are now exploring in difficult areas such as local sheriffs and county commissioners, as well as looking at alternatives such as the media.

The Federal Election Commission, fresh off its loss in the McCutcheon case, announced that it would “accept the new landscape” and would soon announce changed regulations for what would now be called the 2016 Pepsi Challenge Presidential Primary.

Boehner “disappointed” in DOMA ruling; will look for alternate ways to combat gay marriage, interracial dating, witchcraft

26 Jun

WASHINGTON—minutes after the Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, clearing the way for an expansion of same-sex marriage, House Speaker John Boehner (R—Ohio) issued a statement declaring that he was “disappointed” in the ruling. He went on to say that the House Republicans would look at “all options” in their efforts to slow the spread of gay marriage. He also vowed renewed efforts to fight interracial dating, witchcraft, and Copernican astronomy.

“Just because something is popular doesn’t make it right,” said Boehner in a follow-up press conference. “Sure, same-sex marriage may have political momentum behind it, and a lot of people think that trial by drowning is outdated, but the House isn’t going to back down from our principles just because of a bunch of polls.” Boehner added that he was worried that the focus on marriage equality would undermine “the traditions that made us who we are today,” including racial segregation, skull trepanning, and smallpox.

Michele Bachmann made a similar but slightly stronger statement. “I’m disappointed in the ruling, and I urge all Americans to rise up in armed revolt against this tyrannical government and drown the streets of Washington in the blood of the unrighteous,” she said, in words more moderate than those she has used in the past. “Burn this modern-day Sodom to the ground,” she added.

President Obama, meanwhile, was ebullient. “I’m just so pleased with this ruling today,” he said in a written statement. “It’s great to see the nation get to a socially just outcome without requiring me to actually exercise any kind of political leadership.”

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