Tag Archives: security

New GOP majority successfully implements long-term fiscal vision; unclear what will happen next week

2 Mar

WASHINGTON–fresh off a convincing victory in the 2014 midterms, the Republican Party has added to its momentum by passing legislation that “will put this country on a long-term path of fiscal sustainability for the entire rest of the week,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

“There were those who said the Republicans couldn’t exercise power responsibly,” said Boehner. “And to those critics, I point to the full seven days of funding we’ve just provided to Homeland Security.”

The eleventh-hour deal comes after a revolt from the Republican Party’s right wing nearly led to a partial government shutdown, reducing border security by placing thousands of Homeland Security staff on furlough. “We thought that was the most responsible way to make our point about mature government,” said Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), leader of the Generally Angry About Something Caucus. “Next, we’re going to tell all our soldiers to lie down with their eyes closed, until Obama defunds Obamacare.”

Addressing the one-week extension of Homeland Security funding, President Obama tried to look grave, but spent most of the press conference chuckling. “I love these guys,” he said.

According to Boehner, “Shutting down the government has been so successful for us in the past, we figured why not try it again?”

Australian PM super-excited to have his own terrorist threat

11 Oct

CANBERRA–Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced that “after years of trying to whip one up,” his government had finally managed to find a homegrown terrorist threat.

“I’m pleased to announce that Australia now has a genuine Islamic terrorist threat,” said Abbott, smiling from ear to ear at a press conference. “I’d like to thank my team for their years of dedicated race-baiting, which has made today’s announcement possible.”

Abbott announced that Australian federal police had launched a series of pre-dawn raids in order to detain several young men who “had made vague statements about doing bad stuff online.” He noted that “they looked pretty shady and ethnic and stuff.”

Although he did not comment on the specific nature of the threats, Abbott did note that “once guys in their early 20s start talking to their mates about doing something, precise coordinated action can’t be far behind.” A source close to the investigation revealed that in a chat room one of the arrested men had commented on ISIS and said “we should totally do something, you know?”, which caused the entire government to go on high alert.

Prosecutors said that the arrested men would be tried for violating laws that were due to be written any day now.

“My government takes terrorism extremely seriously,” said Tony Abbott. “That’s why we have decided to start violating civil liberties, publicizing trivial incidents, and making hostile comments about religions and ethnicities, so that we can have more of it to fight.”

IMG_3642.JPGWe’ve got a terrorist threat this big

In tough new security procedure, White House will start locking the door

30 Sep

WASHINGTON—after a major security breach this month at the White House, the Secret Service announced today that it would take the aggressive step of locking the front door.

“While we do not wish to overreact to what we think is an isolated incident, we recognize that changes are required,” said Julia Pierson, Director of the Secret Service. “I am therefore directing the Service to start locking the door of the White House, especially when we see crazy people that we’ve caught with hatchets outside.”

Pierson announced that if for any reason a law-abiding citizen found himself or herself locked out of the White House, she would leave a spare key under a small ceramic gnome just off to the left. “Also, if you use the secret ‘Shave and a Haircut’ knock, we’ll open up right away,” she promised.

Pierson said the Secret Service had not yet confirmed rumors of a so-called “backdoor” security problem at the White House. “We have no evidence of that,” said Pierson. “If we do find a back door, you can rest assured we will really seriously consider whether we might want to lock it as well, or at least not oil the hinges so it is really squeaky.”

American media join the fight against ISIS by showing its videos over and over and over again

4 Sep

NEW YORK–major American television, online, and newspaper outlets joined the campaign against ISIS today by showing outtakes from its macabre decapitation videos over and over again.

“These videos are obscene, designed only to shock and terrify anyone who sees them,” said John Clemmons, spokesman for NBC. “Therefore, we’re going to be broadcasting them as much as we can possibly get away with.”

Pundits from across the political spectrum agreed to work together against the common threat. “As soon as the American public is scared, then the terrorists win,” said Bill O’Reilly. “That’s why I’m going to tell you in loving detail about the gruesome televised murders of innocent people.”

“This will not stand,” said Anderson Cooper. “And as soon as we have anything else from ISIS to repeat, we’ll be sure to do that, over and over again.”

British spies report “undesirable nudity” in intercepted webcam chats; humiliated terrorists flock to the gym

28 Feb

LONDON—British intelligence has been intercepting millions of video chats and reports seeing “undesirable nudity” in 7% of them, causing a wave of terrorists to head to the gym to try to make their nudity a little bit more desirable, according to documents leaked here today.

“Oh, my God. I am so embarrassed,” said Kelsey Winslow, 26, who makes firebombs for a radical environmental group in Wales. “Sure, I’ve let myself go a bit during my time on the lam, but I didn’t realize it was as bad as that.” Winslow reports having started a rigorous cross-training program and says she “hopes the next leaked report gives us a better grade.”

Experts voiced concerns that the language of the report could lead to a negative body image among thousands of wanted felons, potentially leading to eating disorders. “Fugitives tend to have low self-esteem to begin with,” said Sandy Pearsall, a professor at Sheffield Medical School. “Being called names by the government is just going to make things worse.”

Not all surveillance targets accepted British intelligence’s verdict. “You call this undesirable nudity?” demanded Mohsin al-Ibrahim, 38, a member of a militant splinter faction in east London, sucking in his gut and flexing. “Look at the guns!” he shouted, kissing his own bicep. “Like pythons!”

A spokesman for the British government refused to answer questions, although, departing from his prepared text, he did note that “there are certain angles and lighting from which Mr. al-Ibrahim’s self-assessment is not entirely accurate.”


NSA reveals it has backdoor access to iPhone, but still stuck on Level 372 of Candy Crush Saga

30 Dec

WASHINGTON–after a German news magazine leaked documents showing that the US government has backdoor access to every iOS device, the NSA revealed today that yes, it hacked access to iPhones on a massive scale, but that it still couldn’t finish Candy Crush Saga.

“We are appealing to members of the public who may have information on how to get rid of the frozen jelly in the corner to step forward,” said NSA spokesman Dean Arden. “Unfortunately our internal efforts to access this information have been unsuccessful.”

According to the article in Der Spiegel, the NSA has had the ability to remotely monitor iPhones for several years, and can even turn on the camera and microphone. The program was originally intended to track terrorism suspects, but was re-purposed when the head of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, was unable to progress past level 211 of Candy Crush Saga.

“In addition, it turns out most of what terrorists say to each other is totally boring,” added Arden. “I mean, we love preventing attacks and all, but you just couldn’t pay me enough.”

In response to questions, Arden clarified that the program had successfully enabled Gen. Alexander to pass level 211 and several others, but that they were still stuck on 372.

Gen. Alexander did not respond to requests for comment, other than to briefly glance up from his phone and say “Mmm” a few times.

Iran rejects nuclear deal on the grounds it would prevent them from making nuclear bombs

12 Nov

GENEVA—talks to resolve the Iranian nuclear crisis collapsed yesterday when Iran withdrew, explaining that the proposed deal does not do enough “to make us a nuclear power.”

“We came here in good faith, ready to negotiate,” explained Hassan al-Khatief, lead negotiator in the six-party talks. “We were surprised and disappointed to learn that the so-called Western ‘compromise’ would not allow us to create nuclear weapons, now or in the future.”

Al-Khatief said that in exchange for an easing of sanctions, Iran had agreed to a wide range of concessions, including VIP seating for American officials at war commemorations, a signed photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini, and a full accounting of the country’s “secret dessert recipes,” but that there had been no response.

“They didn’t even want to talk about it,” lamented al-Khatief. “It was all just ‘uranium this’ and ‘centrifuge that.’ It almost felt like they didn’t want us to have nuclear weapons.”

US Secretary of State John Kerry denied that American policy was to keep Iran from gaining regional pre-eminence. “In fact, we’ve created tools that will help Iran tremendously,” he explained. “All Iranians need to do is go to our website and sign up.”

Edward Snowden asks Russia for asylum in “some country better than Russia”

3 Aug

MOSCOW – two days after being granted temporary asylum here, NSA leaker Edward Snowden submitted a revised asylum petition to the Russian authorities, asking for permission to settle permanently in “some country that is way better than Russia.”

“I mean, I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” read the petition. “But I was kind of hoping for somewhere warm, with a happening club scene.” Later, the petition adds, “No offense.”

The Russian Foreign Ministry seemed confused by the filing. “This is what happens when you let Gen Y leakers into the country,” said a spokesman. “He keeps complaining about the Wifi.”

The United States is continuing its campaign to have Snowden returned to this country to stand trial. Its assurances that Snowden would not be tortured were undercut, however, when the Federal Department of Prisons was found to have ordered several DVDs of “Gigli,” starring Jennifer Lopez.

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