Tag Archives: shutdown

Chastened Congress promises to quickly replace stopgap budget solution with another stopgap budget solution

18 Oct

WASHINGTON—after forging a temporary agreement to end the highly unpopular government shutdown, a humbled Congress promised the American people that “we will do our best to kick the can down the road again for a few months” before the current resolution expires in February.

“We’ve listened to the American people, and they’re tired of these manufactured last-minute crises,” said Speaker John Boehner. “That’s why we’re looking forward to replacing the current short-term budget agreement with another short-term budget agreement at the very last second, early next year.”

Boehner said he would immediately begin fiscal negotiations so that “when we fail and almost default again, at least it will look like we tried.”

Not everyone was happy with the agreement that reopened the government on Thursday. Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) said that “once again, Washington is not listening to the American people.” He then went on to describe the “real America,” ignored by the media, where the voting public wants the shutdown to continue, “and everyone rides around on golden ponies.”

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Republicans sign budget agreement on deck of the U.S.S. Missouri

16 Oct

TOKYO BAY—the Republican Party today signed an agreement ending the government shutdown and temporarily extending the debt ceiling, as leading Democrats and international representatives looked on.

“Because of events that have developed not necessarily to our advantage, we have accepted the provisions of the White House declaration,” said Speaker John Boehner, as he put his name to the armistice agreement. “This will pave the way for a grand peace for all the generations to come, or at least for a few months.”

Under the terms of the budget agreement, the Democrats have won on Obamacare, taxes, spending, and borrowing. The Republicans won concessions on income verification for health-care subsidies, as well as the right to choose the Soup of the Week in the Congressional mess.

“The deal is less than many of us hoped for, but it’s time for Republicans to unite behind other crucial goals,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY), “such as ensuring I win my upcoming primary election.”

After the agreement, Boehner convened a closed-door meeting of the House Republican caucus, at which a stormy debate led to a narrow victory for French Onion, followed closely by minestrone.

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New Republican plan: Jesus to resolve shutdown

14 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the voting public increasingly blaming them for the government shutdown, and with no obvious compromise on the horizon, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives today announced their new plan, which is for Jesus to return, abolish Obamacare, and re-open the government.

“The Bible tells us that the Lord will provide,” said Rep. Matt Salmon (R–AZ). “The way I see it, that means we can blunder around without a plan of any kind and paint ourselves into a corner, and Jesus will eventually come bail us out.”

Rep. Ted Yoho (R–FL) confirmed that the GOP had broken off negotiations over the budget and the debt ceiling, deciding instead to “put our faith in Jesus,” waiting for him to return and “lay the smack down” on the White House. “Jesus definitely has our back on this one,” explained Yoho. “If there’s one thing he hates, it’s caring for the poor and the sick.”

When asked if there was a backup plan, just in case Jesus failed to intervene in the budget dispute, Yoho grew visibly angry. “Did Moses have a backup plan?” he asked, face crimson. “Did the disciples? Are you saying you don’t believe?”

Asked whether he was seeking any kind of divine intervention to resolve the shutdown, President Obama thought for a moment. “I think thirty or forty lightning bolts might help,” he finally said.

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Governments of North Korea, Somalia , Syria, Turkmenistan, Equatorial Guinea, Afghanistan all still open

11 Oct

PYONGYANG—the government of North Korea, widely cited as among the world’s most oppressive and dysfunctional, remained open for business today, local media sources confirmed.

“Everyone’s here,” confirmed a spokesman for the Ministry of Budget and Thought Control. “All offices functioning normally,” he added, before asking if he could eat the glue holding together a reporter’s notebook.

In war-torn Mogadishu, the Somali government, which holds authority only in a few blocks in the center of the warlord-run city, continued to pay its bills. Offices were open, staffed by all remaining civil servants who have not moved to the coast to become pirates.

In genocide-wracked Syria, the government recently passed its fiscal year 2013-14 budget, supported by the remaining members of parliament who have not been murdered or left to command ethnic-cleansing military detachments.

Lastly, President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea, widely regarded as one of the most repressive and murderous dictators in the world, who has embezzled more than $600m from the state and has been accused of cannibalism, confirmed to a reporter than his government remained open for business and was continuing to pay its debts.

“Of course the government is open,” said Obiang, seemingly puzzled by the question. “What is this, a restaurant? What kind of amateurs would shut down a government?”

Spokesmen for the United States Congress and the White House were unavailable for comment.

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Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

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House GOP burns down local restaurant after favorite soup dropped from menu

8 Oct

WASHINGTON—saying that “the time for compromise is over,” leading Tea Party Republicans today burned down Eileen’s, a well-known Capitol Hill diner, after the proprietors dropped navy bean soup from the menu.

“It’s time Bert Flanagan listened to the people,” said Rep. Eric Cantor (R—VA), holding an empty gasoline can. “And the thirty people you see standing here with me, we like navy bean soup.”

Before the arson attack, Flanagan tried to reason with the angry representatives, explaining that his supplier of navy beans had gone out of business, and offering instead to cook them black bean soup, or “whatever kind of soup you want.”

Flanagan’s offer was too little, too late. “Some people in Washington think they can do whatever they want, just because they own something, or were elected by a majority of voters, or that sort of thing,” said Rep. Justin Amash (R—MI). “I’m here to tell you that conservative primary voters in safe Republican seats don’t agree.”

The burning of Eileen’s was the second Tea Party arson attack this week. On Saturday, Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R—IN) set fire to a local barbershop after they “used this weird-smelling aftershave” without consulting him first.

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As shutdown continues, John Boehner holds very very still and hopes no one will notice him

6 Oct

WASHINGTON—with the government shutdown continuing, Speaker John Boehner has been hiding in the business-wear section of the Georgetown Men’s Wearhouse, standing extremely still and hoping shoppers will think he’s a mannequin.

“I just thought HQ had spent a little more to show off the Fall Classics line,” said nonplussed store manager Dave Henchart. “Are you sure that’s actually a real dude?”

Boehner’s strategy for resolving the shutdown and the looming debt-limit crisis is to “hold real still and hope that the Tea Party and Obama come to some kind of arrangement on their own,” explained an aide. “He might also pick up some real affordable dress slacks, too. Although it’s hard to tell from the way he’s facing; he might be pointed at the golf wear.”

Frustrated by Boehner’s dereliction of duty, Eric Cantor tracked him down at the Men’s Wearhouse and told him he needed to get back to work. “I know that’s you, John,” said Cantor, talking to the immobile Speaker. “Come on back to your office.”

“The dude was outstanding,” said store manager Henchart. “He didn’t break character at all. Just kept staring straight ahead.” Henchart went on to add that he had assumed Cantor was just some “nutcase who likes to yell at mannequins” and had thrown him out of the store.

As of Sunday afternoon, the government impasse showed no signs of early resolution, and Boehner, according to Henchart, was “steady as a rock. I mean, I don’t think he’s had anything to eat in four days.”

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