Tag Archives: snowden

Edward Snowden asks Russia for asylum in “some country better than Russia”

3 Aug

MOSCOW – two days after being granted temporary asylum here, NSA leaker Edward Snowden submitted a revised asylum petition to the Russian authorities, asking for permission to settle permanently in “some country that is way better than Russia.”

“I mean, I don’t want to sound ungrateful,” read the petition. “But I was kind of hoping for somewhere warm, with a happening club scene.” Later, the petition adds, “No offense.”

The Russian Foreign Ministry seemed confused by the filing. “This is what happens when you let Gen Y leakers into the country,” said a spokesman. “He keeps complaining about the Wifi.”

The United States is continuing its campaign to have Snowden returned to this country to stand trial. Its assurances that Snowden would not be tortured were undercut, however, when the Federal Department of Prisons was found to have ordered several DVDs of “Gigli,” starring Jennifer Lopez.

Russia takes in Edward Snowden, showing longstanding commitment to free speech

23 Jun

MOSCOW–The government of Vladimir Putin, once again showing its longstanding commitment to supporting the underdog and defending free speech, confirmed today that it had offered asylum to Edward Snowden, the leaker of NSA secrets.

“When people think of Russia, they think of liberty, of the freedom to speak your mind, and of the defense of individual rights against the state,” said Putin at a press conference. “I don’t know what exactly this Mr. Snowden has done, but if it’s a free-speech issue, he’s welcome here with us.”

The United States announced that it had nullified Snowden’s passport as of this morning. “We figure that should make everyone forget about any so-called surveillance,” explained a State Department spokesman.

The FSB, Russia’s intelligence agency, confirmed that Snowden had applied for a job with them. “This guy’s resume looks great–he really knows a lot about surveillance,” said a spokesman. In response to a question, he added, “I think we’ve all had our phones off for a few days and haven’t seen the papers much. Why?”

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