Tag Archives: soccer

Sepp Blatter enters GOP primary; offers every Iowa caucusgoer $2.5 million

1 Jun

ZURICH—fresh off his re-election as head of FIFA, Sepp Blatter today announced that he was entering the Republican presidential primaries, promising a “new era of murkiness” and offering everyone who votes for him in the Iowa caucuses $2.5 million in cash.

“After my tremendous successes in cleaning up world soccer, the logical next step is to break the deadlock in Washington,” said Blatter at a hastily-called press conference here. “And what better way to do that than through paper bags of cash?”

Blatter, whose 17-year tenure as FIFA president has been accompanied by controversy and corruption, said that he expected to resolve all those problems “shortly” in order to free up his time to visit early-voting states. “The diners in New Hampshire, the Iowa state fair with all its curious fried foods—I will conquer them all,” said Blatter. “I expect to sweep to victory on the basis of my solid support among tiny, corrupt nations, who I would imagine must control a majority of these so-called caucuses.”

Blatter did not speculate on his plans for the general election yet. “First, I will defeat all of these Republicans,” he said. “Then, outer-space soccer. Then the general election. It is all no problem. I am a mountain goat.”

Each voter will receive a pile of money “about this wide,” according to Blatter.

Soccer world stunned as some FIFA employees not arrested in raid

27 May

ZURICH—a raid on a FIFA conference here today shocked the soccer world when word leaked out that many senior FIFA managers were not arrested on charges of bribery.

“Of course they took 14 people into custody,” said Geoff Blaine, a diehard soccer fan who was outside the hotel protesting. “But they’ve left dozens of them at large, free to strike again. What could the cops be thinking?”

Several FIFA executives assumed the inexplicable failure of the authorities to arrest them were clerical errors, and quickly went off the grid, scavenging food and electricity. Sepp Blatter was later spotted on a sidewalk in Dusseldorf, sleeping inside a shelter made of cardboard and money.

The arrests were made by the Swiss police at the behest of American authorities, who today unsealed indictments against the 14 detainees in a Brooklyn district court. The charges include taking bribes, giving bribes, wrapping bribes in festive holiday paper, carefully washing bribes on a gentle cycle, and showing bribes a night on the town to celebrate Annual Bribe Night at FIFA headquarters.

According to American authorities, they first became suspicious that the selection process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups had been corrupted when they found members of the FIFA executive committee selling their votes on eBay.

Blatter later proposed that the 2018 World Cup be replaced with a shadow-puppet competition

FIFA investigates 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding; exonerates self; vows to help O.J. find “the real killers”

13 Nov

PARIS–in what has billed as a “new era of transparency,” FIFA, the international soccer federation, today released a summary of an exhaustive report into possible wrongdoing into the bidding process to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.

“After a long period of painful self-examination, we now have to face the report’s central conclusion: that FIFA is completely blameless in all respects,” said Sepp Blatter, FIFA’s secretary-general. “Also, the report concludes that I am very, very good-looking.”

The team that wrote the 500-page report, which has not been released, disputed FIFA’s summary, noting the extensive evidence of corruption, vote-swapping, and outright fraud.

Blatter dismissed these concerns. “I think you guys are remembering incorrectly what you wrote,” he said.

FIFA also noted that the report fully exonerated Alger Hiss, O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake. Blatter vowed that he, too, would not rest until he found the “real killers.”

World Cup starts smoothly, with all bribes being delivered on time

14 Jun

RIO DE JANIERO–Fears of logistics problems at the World Cup proved unfounded today, as a network of runners successfully delivered 100% of first-day bribes “well ahead of schedule.”

“I’m pleased to announce that the naysayers have been proved wrong,” said FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “All referees scheduled to receive payoffs report successful delivery, and the three teams bribed to throw their opening-round matches have received cash in the correct denominations, packaged appropriately.”

While reports of construction delays and gridlock had many concerned, even the skeptics admitted the day had gone well. “By the time I got to my room, there was a printout of who was going to fake an injury, and who was going to be awarded a phony penalty kick,” said Dave Poras, an international match-fixer who had been worried that his envelopes of cash would be delayed. “Running like clockwork.”

Non-bribe logistics remained somewhat difficult. The Dutch team was caught in traffic for five hours and missed their match against defending champions Spain, but still managed to win 5-1, after a referee awarded them several goals for “good mental energy.”

20140614-174120-63680366.jpgSepp Blatter, fulfilling his pledge to personally inspect every bribe going to every referee

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