Tag Archives: society

Oklahoma botches traditional Thanksgiving Day turkey execution

27 Nov

OKLAHOMA CITY–in a feel-good moment gone wrong, local officials here today badly botched the state’s traditional Thanksgiving execution of a condemned turkey, leading to a grim scene of “flapping and squawking” at the State Kitchen today.

“Stuff happens,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R), “We shouldn’t let one little setback disrupt our quest to find new and innovative ways of killing things.”

According to the state chef’s official inquiry, the condemned turkey seemed to be conscious for a “considerable period of time” after it was supposed to be sedated. The state’s “lethal cocktail” for turkeys consists of cutting each bird’s head off and refrigerating it for up to a week; the report said it was unclear why this “normally reliable” method had failed in this instance.

The turkey’s identity was not released. In a bid to stave off criticism, however, Gov. Fallin noted that it had been convicted of a 1987 convenience-store robbery on the basis of “highly reliable” eyewitness testimony.

Shocking photo taken minutes after the botched attempt

Vladimir Putin invades Ukraine, imprisons journalists, takes in a Clippers game

28 Apr

LOS ANGELES—in the middle of one of the biggest post-Cold War international crises, Russian President Vladimir Putin decided to relax today and watch the Los Angeles Clippers take on the Golden State Warriors in Game 4 of their playoff series.

The move surprised many Putin opponents inside and outside Russia. “The guy is so evil so much of the time, and then he does some normal-dude thing like cheering on the Clippers? Gotta respect that,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

Putin attended as a personal guest of Clippers owner Don Sterling and sat in his box. Wearing his usual relaxed attire of camouflage pants and no shirt, surrounded by several ancient amphorae, Putin seemed in a playful mood, occasionally pranking his seatmates by having goons beat them severely. There seemed to be excellent chemistry between him and Sterling, who kept smiling to each other and laughing.

After the game, which the Clippers lost, Putin expressed his desire to visit an American cattle ranch. “Maybe on government land in Nevada,” he said.

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