Tag Archives: space

Chinese rover lands on the Moon; immediately begins suppressing dissent

14 Dec

BEIJING–in a sign of China’s growing power, officials here announced that the country had successfully landed a working lunar rover on the surface of the moon.

“I am delighted to inform you that at 0600 hours, the Chang’e-3 rover successfully landed in Sinus Iridum on the moon,” said a spokesman for the People’s Ministry of White Elephant Projects. “The rover has begun to carry out its mission of searching out and suppressing any lunar activity likely to undermine national glory or the cohesion of the people.”

In response to questions as to what kind of dissent the rover was likely to find on the surface of the airless, lifeless Moon, the spokesman produced a list of “accomplishments to date,” which included:

– Jamming any attempt to access the unfiltered internet from the Moon
– Rearranging a group of discolored rocks that “arguably were a disrespectful portrait” of Chairman Mao
– Conducting a tiny, one-rover parade to celebrate National Amphibious Landing Defense Day

According to the PMWE, the lunar rover is just one step in a set of ambitious projects planned for 2013-2015, which will culminate with piling billions of dollars up in the desert and lighting them on fire.

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North Korea delays 2nd launch upon discovering rocket is made of tin cans, baking soda

10 Dec

PYONGYANG—just months after an embarrassing launch failure, North Korea announced yesterday that it would delay the second test of its new rocket, having recently discovered that the rocket was made entirely from tin cans and surplus Soviet chewing gum, powered by baking soda and vinegar.

 “We are still planning an imminent test of our Drown The Running Dog Capitalist Lackeys in a Sea of Their Own Blood Death Missile IV, which as you know is designed entirely for peaceful purposes,” said Dong Nam Paik, chairman of the Seoul Annihilation and Space Exploration Committee. “We will wait until we develop an even more powerful propulsion mechanism than the one my nine-year-old kid used to make a model volcano for the Dear Leader Science Fair.” Paik also noted that he was negotiating with the Belarussian government to reopen the Red October Gum Factory outside Minsk, which closed in 1979, so that they would have a source of spare parts. If successful, his son will be released from the re-education camp where he was sent after his volcano failed to erupt.

The delay marks the second setback for North Korea’s missile program this year. In April, a much-hyped test of an earlier missile design failed when the rocket flew straight upwards for sixty seconds, then turned south and defected to Seoul.

Dictator Kim Jong Un immediately ordered the punishment of those responsible and an investigation into what went wrong. His minions achieved both by requiring the rocket-program engineers to watch the romantic comedy “Failure to Launch,” starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey.

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