Tag Archives: sports

University of Alabama: “National championship is nice, but of course academics come first”

13 Jan

TUSCALOOSA, Alabama–students, staff, and local residents today celebrated the Crimson Tide’s latest national college football championship, displaying what one senior called “appropriate pride” in their victory over Clemson on Monday night, while never losing sight of the university’s primary mission, pushing back the frontiers of human knowledge and delivering a top-flight education to thousands of students.

“Sure, winning at football is nice,” said President Stuart Bell. “But obviously that’s just for fun. We all know why we’re here, which is to teach and conduct research.”

A.J. McCarron, a recent graduate of Alabama who played on the football team, seemed happy to hear the news that his former team had won the championship. “Wow, good for them,” said McCarron. “I hope it didn’t take too much time away from their studies.”

Students interviewed on campus shared this assessment. “I mean, good for them,” said Kristin Liebling, a biology major who had watched part of the game on Saturday. “It’s nice that students have a hobby to get them outside and get some exercise.”

Alabama Coach Nick Saban, who does not teach any other classes, but is dedicated full-time to football, congratulated his players yesterday, telling them that he hoped “they’d had fun this season, and that if any of them want to play again next fall, he’d be happy to work with them again.”
  
“Hopefully you guys brought your homework for when you’re not on the field.”

New England Patriots jam Steelers headsets, clog George Washington Bridge, build giant wall on Mexican border

11 Sep

BOSTON—controversy continued to dog the New England Patriots, as evidence emerged that the team might have tampered with the headsets during their 28-21 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers last night. In addition, new documents revealed that quarterback Tom Brady was actually a pivotal figure in the September 2013 traffic jam on the approaches to the George Washington Bridge, and also that Coach Bill Belichick had overnight somehow managed to build a thirty-foot wall along the entire US-Mexican border and bill the Mexican government for it.

“I have honestly no idea what you’re talking about,” said Brady at a postgame press conference. “We didn’t do anything to the headsets, I was definitely not out on the GWB dressed as a cop waving motorists over with a red flare, and I also had absolutely zero involvement in the US Postal Service Tour de France cycling team.”
When a journalist pointed out that no one had said anything about the Tour de France, Brady looked shaken. “I mean, of course. That’s what I mean,” he said.

Coach Belichick denied any role in the headsets, the border wall with Mexico, or the destruction of planet Alderaan. “At no point did I urge anyone to witness the power of this fully armed and operational battle station,” he told a surprised room of reporters.

The NFL reported this morning that it was looking into the problem with the headsets, and also that it would review video footage that seems to show tight end Rob Gronkowski dropping a football in the end zone, but then pulling another one out from under his jersey and pretending he caught it.

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After denying all responsibility for anything ever, Belichick attempted to smile, but injured himself in the process and was rushed to the hospital.

Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”

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In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

Soccer world stunned as some FIFA employees not arrested in raid

27 May

ZURICH—a raid on a FIFA conference here today shocked the soccer world when word leaked out that many senior FIFA managers were not arrested on charges of bribery.

“Of course they took 14 people into custody,” said Geoff Blaine, a diehard soccer fan who was outside the hotel protesting. “But they’ve left dozens of them at large, free to strike again. What could the cops be thinking?”

Several FIFA executives assumed the inexplicable failure of the authorities to arrest them were clerical errors, and quickly went off the grid, scavenging food and electricity. Sepp Blatter was later spotted on a sidewalk in Dusseldorf, sleeping inside a shelter made of cardboard and money.

The arrests were made by the Swiss police at the behest of American authorities, who today unsealed indictments against the 14 detainees in a Brooklyn district court. The charges include taking bribes, giving bribes, wrapping bribes in festive holiday paper, carefully washing bribes on a gentle cycle, and showing bribes a night on the town to celebrate Annual Bribe Night at FIFA headquarters.

According to American authorities, they first became suspicious that the selection process for the 2018 and 2022 World Cups had been corrupted when they found members of the FIFA executive committee selling their votes on eBay.

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Blatter later proposed that the 2018 World Cup be replaced with a shadow-puppet competition

Tom Brady stripped of seven Tour de France titles

8 May

NEW YORK—as the scandal surrounding Tom Brady and the New England Patriots continued to grow, Americans were shocked to learn this morning that Brady had been stripped of his seven Tour de France titles.

The International Cycling Union announced today that in light of the NFL’s report implicating Brady in the deflation of several footballs, “We no longer consider Tom Brady to hold any cycling titles from any races, including the Tour de France.”

While Brady has not been punished by other sporting bodies at this point, many believe that his pursuit of the single-season home-run record, among other achievements, is now irrevocably tainted.

“It’s all up for grabs now,” said David Landry, Professor of Vacated Sports Titles at the University of North Dakota. “His Heisman Trophy? His 9.79-second hundred-meter dash? Even if the records stand, they’ll always have an asterix.”

Brady put out a press release stating that “I am innocent until proven guilty, which is why I sure wish I hadn’t just been proven guilty.”

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At the height of his career, Brady was so confident of victory that he would drink while cycling

Americans about ready for baseball season to be over

15 Apr

NEW YORK—as early April stretches into mid-April, most Americans are now saying they’ve had about enough baseball for the year.

“I mean, I love spring training, Opening Day, all of that,” said David Landry, filing out of another Yankees loss this afternoon. “But it just seems like this season’s been going on forever. I’m about ready to be done, you know?”

“I’m just tired of seeing it everywhere—bars, the gym, in the kitchen at work—and I just figure we must be almost through with this,” said Tammira Philippe, who barely looked up as someone in a uniform hit a bloop single. “I just think however many games we’ve had—what is it, seven, eight? It’s too many.”

Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred responded to the comments with understanding, and said that baseball was looking into ways to keep the game interesting, such as not playing baseball as much.

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To make the game more interesting, players will have to use angled bats on weekends.

America shocked by rioting over racial injustice, instead of over a sports championship

26 Nov

FERGUSON, Mo.–Americans around the nation were shocked by images of rioting in Ferguson, following the news that the police officer who shot and killed an unarmed black teenager would not be indicted.

“I mean, if the Rams had just won the Super Bowl, or even a major division game, I think it would all be cool,” said Dave Wilcox from Dallas. “But the fact that they’re rioting because of systematic discrimination at all levels of society and government stretching back for decades? Who do they think they are?”

Alice Horsley of Miami said that “I torched a couple of cars each time the Heat brought home the trophy. But there’s just no excuse for this kind of disorder.”

Major media outlets covered the riots in loving detail, searching for good footage of burning cars and working hard to talk about the residents of Ferguson without saying anything overtly racist.

President Obama went on television to address the nation. He noted that many people have legitimate grievances, and proposed a bargain in which all the rioters would go home, and in return nothing else would change.

IMG_0054.JPGAt first, it looked like these youths were tearing apart the fabric of our society, but it turned out that they were just excited about the MLS playoffs

FIFA investigates 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding; exonerates self; vows to help O.J. find “the real killers”

13 Nov

PARIS–in what has billed as a “new era of transparency,” FIFA, the international soccer federation, today released a summary of an exhaustive report into possible wrongdoing into the bidding process to host the 2018 and 2022 World Cups.

“After a long period of painful self-examination, we now have to face the report’s central conclusion: that FIFA is completely blameless in all respects,” said Sepp Blatter, FIFA’s secretary-general. “Also, the report concludes that I am very, very good-looking.”

The team that wrote the 500-page report, which has not been released, disputed FIFA’s summary, noting the extensive evidence of corruption, vote-swapping, and outright fraud.

Blatter dismissed these concerns. “I think you guys are remembering incorrectly what you wrote,” he said.

FIFA also noted that the report fully exonerated Alger Hiss, O.J. Simpson, and Robert Blake. Blatter vowed that he, too, would not rest until he found the “real killers.”

Obama confident of Democrats’ chances in midterms tomorrow; also picks Oakland Raiders to win the Super Bowl

3 Nov

WASHINGTON–showing his trademark irrepressible energy and enthusiasm, President Obama today announced that he was “feeling good” about the Democratic Party’s chances in tomorrow’s midterm elections. He predicted that the party would retain control of the Senate and “perhaps pick up a few seats” in the House. He then revealed that he was picking the Oakland Raiders (0-8) to win this year’s Super Bowl.

“Look, I’ve got a good feeling about those Raiders, is all,” said Obama. “And if there’s one thing I’m good at doing, it’s anticipating events and responding fluidly to change.”

Obama outlined the Raiders’ “all but certain” path to the Super Bowl, explaining that first the team would need to win out (“which looks pretty good from here”) before knocking off his other AFC playoff picks, the New York Jets and the Jacksonville Jaguars, en route to the big game.

He did not bring the same level of detail to his prediction of midterm success, and would not be drawn into which Senate seats he expected to retain. “That situation’s a little less certain than the Raiders,” he explained.

NFL controversy deepens as Jacksonville Jaguars travel to Syria to fight for ISIS

13 Sep

NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.

“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”

The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”

The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.

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