Tag Archives: spying

IKEA accused of spying on customers; allegedly learned that assembling its furniture is frustrating

17 Dec

PARIS–revelations that the French division of IKEA has been spying on its employees and customers for years caused an uproar here today. According to court documents, IKEA used wiretaps and private detectives to learn that assembling its furniture was “really annoying” and that “no one likes those hex keys.”

According to court documents, IKEA put customers under surveillance. In doing so, it discovered that “our furniture is really a big hassle,” but that “a lot of people have some weird attachment to it anyway.”

IKEA also spied on its own employees, according to the same court documents. Its key finding was apparently that “those meatballs contain some weird-looking meat” and also that “working at IKEA totally sucks.”

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NSA provides White House with intercepted talking points for Malia Obama meeting; “allowance” and “homework” key topics

4 Nov

WASHINGTON—rebutting claims that its extensive spying on allies had provided few concrete benefits, the head of the NSA today confirmed that it had recently provided the President with “critical” insights into Malia Obama’s negotiating strategy prior to a meeting on Sunday.

“POTUS entered the negotiations with full knowledge of his opponent’s entry and exit points, as well as the key arguments she was likely to use,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, speaking to reporters at a secret underground location. “Without electronic surveillance, the United States could have faced additional liabilities amounting to dozens of dollars each year.”

Sources close to the NSA said that by monitoring 15-year-old Malia’s cell phone and email, they had established that she was planning to ask for fifteen dollars per week, but that she would be willing to accept as little as twelve. She had also indicated a willingness to accept conditions around her grades as long as they did not require an A- or above in Chemistry, which the subject reportedly finds “super hard.”

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Germany suggests Kathleen Sebelius run eavesdropping program

31 Oct

BERLIN—in a conciliatory gesture after several angry exchanges about US spying on her personal cell phone, Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany today suggested that Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health and Human Services, could run the NSA’s eavesdropping program as soon as she finishes building the HealthCare.gov website.

“I think Secretary Sebelius is exactly the person I want trying to listen in to my phone calls,” said Chancellor Merkel. “It would give me great confidence knowing that she was running all US spy technology.

“Whatever,” said Sebelius, taking a quick break from soldering together two wires. She explained that if she could just get a few more wires connected, then the HealthCare.gov website would probably be up and running again.

Further attempts to contact Sebelius’s office were unsuccessful. Initially, one of the tin cans could not be located, and shortly thereafter the string broke.

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