Tag Archives: supreme court

Supreme Court rules corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” in the name of religious freedom

1 Jul

WASHINGTON–in a thoughtful, tightly reasoned ruling, the Supreme Court today found that corporations can do “whatever the hell they want” as long as they claim some kind of religious motivation.

“Our country was founded on religious liberty,” said the majority ruling. “Therefore, we’ve decided to toss everything else out the window. Go nuts.”

The case began when the craft store Hobby Lobby claimed that the religious principles of its owners prevented it from complying with the Affordable Care Act and covering contraception for employees. The suit was then joined by Walmart, which noted its longheld religious beliefs that the minimum wage, health and safety requirements, and anti-discrimination laws were “tools of Satan” it could not in good conscience adhere to.

Afterwards, the American Restaurant Association revealed its “longtime but hidden beliefs” that kitchen hands should never receive overtime, while several construction firms pointed to their belief that being hurt on the job is “God’s punishment for carelessness” and that compensating injured workers is a “sacrilegious tampering with His plan.”

The ruling came on a close 5-4 vote, a split historically associated with some of the Court’s finest work, such as Bush v. Gore and Citizens United.

Traditional families start collapsing by the millions as Supreme Court hears ruling on same-sex marriage; post-apocalyptic carnage only weeks away

26 Mar

TOPEKA, Kan.–as the Supreme Court considers striking down state bans on same-sex marriage, this heartland city has all but degenerated into “Mad Max”-style social collapse.

“Sure, my wife and I were happy,” said Richard Smithers. “Then I heard that dudes could marry each other in Massachusetts, and I figured I’d just leave home, shack up with two Nepalese dwarfs, and start robbing motorists of their dental fillings.”

The warnings of social conservatives that traditional marriage was under threat, so long dismissed by blue-state knuckleheads, have proved prescient. “I knew we were in for a wave of man-dog marriage,” said former sweater-vest spokesman Rick Santorum. “But I didn’t realize just how bad it was going to get.” Across Santorum’s home state of Pennsylvania, traditional industries such as financial services and manufacturing have now largely been replaced by sex-crazed biker gangs selling crystal meth and even Franklin Mint commemorative plates, all in anticipation of a possible Supreme Court ruling.

“Heck, I like these changes,” said Pete Kerpaulin of Dallas, who has recently married his long-time Burmese python companion, Hissy, and joined a Satanic cult. “I mean, I liked my old life, with the wife and kids, too, but if we’re going to allow gay marriage in this country, I figured I needed to get out there and make the most of it.”

The Supreme Court is expected to issue its ruling later in the year, or whenever the canned food and ammunition in its underground bunker runs out.

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