Tag Archives: surveillance

British spies report “undesirable nudity” in intercepted webcam chats; humiliated terrorists flock to the gym

28 Feb

LONDON—British intelligence has been intercepting millions of video chats and reports seeing “undesirable nudity” in 7% of them, causing a wave of terrorists to head to the gym to try to make their nudity a little bit more desirable, according to documents leaked here today.

“Oh, my God. I am so embarrassed,” said Kelsey Winslow, 26, who makes firebombs for a radical environmental group in Wales. “Sure, I’ve let myself go a bit during my time on the lam, but I didn’t realize it was as bad as that.” Winslow reports having started a rigorous cross-training program and says she “hopes the next leaked report gives us a better grade.”

Experts voiced concerns that the language of the report could lead to a negative body image among thousands of wanted felons, potentially leading to eating disorders. “Fugitives tend to have low self-esteem to begin with,” said Sandy Pearsall, a professor at Sheffield Medical School. “Being called names by the government is just going to make things worse.”

Not all surveillance targets accepted British intelligence’s verdict. “You call this undesirable nudity?” demanded Mohsin al-Ibrahim, 38, a member of a militant splinter faction in east London, sucking in his gut and flexing. “Look at the guns!” he shouted, kissing his own bicep. “Like pythons!”

A spokesman for the British government refused to answer questions, although, departing from his prepared text, he did note that “there are certain angles and lighting from which Mr. al-Ibrahim’s self-assessment is not entirely accurate.”

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NSA provides White House with intercepted talking points for Malia Obama meeting; “allowance” and “homework” key topics

4 Nov

WASHINGTON—rebutting claims that its extensive spying on allies had provided few concrete benefits, the head of the NSA today confirmed that it had recently provided the President with “critical” insights into Malia Obama’s negotiating strategy prior to a meeting on Sunday.

“POTUS entered the negotiations with full knowledge of his opponent’s entry and exit points, as well as the key arguments she was likely to use,” said Gen. Keith Alexander, speaking to reporters at a secret underground location. “Without electronic surveillance, the United States could have faced additional liabilities amounting to dozens of dollars each year.”

Sources close to the NSA said that by monitoring 15-year-old Malia’s cell phone and email, they had established that she was planning to ask for fifteen dollars per week, but that she would be willing to accept as little as twelve. She had also indicated a willingness to accept conditions around her grades as long as they did not require an A- or above in Chemistry, which the subject reportedly finds “super hard.”

Obama warns of “rampant privacy” if shutdown continues

10 Oct

WASHINGTON—in some of his starkest language yet, President Obama today warned that America faced an “outbreak of rampant privacy” if the government shutdown continues, keeping government employees from reading private emails and listening to phone calls.

“One week into the shutdown, American citizens are already able to speak with their loved ones with relative confidence that the government is not listening in,” said Obama in a speech before the National Press Club. “If this continues, soon everyone will be free from intrusive surveillance.”

Obama quickly hastened to add, “except people who look Middle Eastern, of course.”

Republicans, chastened, quickly offered to pass a bill that would fund only drones, wiretapping, email monitoring, and six classified activities collectively known only as “The Big One.” In exchange, they asked that Obama partially roll back the new medical-device tax, convene a blue-ribbon commission to discuss the deficit, and also resign in disgrace and move to a small Alaskan fishing village, never to be heard from again.

Obama promises to create “additional meaningless hair-splitting” to address surveillance concerns

10 Aug

WASHINGTON–seeking to dampen criticism over the government’s vastly expanded surveillance program, President Obama today pledged that his administration will “add as much bureaucratic complexity” to the system as is necessary “to make you folks feel okay about letting us do whatever we want.”

Specifically, Obama promised “another layer of toothless review” before wiretapping requests are approved. Under the new system, any government entity seeking data will have to engage in a “fair, open, and transparent process that I can’t describe because it’s completely secret.”

Obama also promised that “we will never, ever look at the contents of emails that American citizens send to each other within the country, unless we have a court order, have reason to believe there is a connection to terrorism, or are just kind of bored.”

“I think it’s important for Americans to have this debate,” said the president. “That’s why my administration kept the very existence of this program secret for as long as we possibly could.”

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