Tag Archives: syria

NFL controversy deepens as Jacksonville Jaguars travel to Syria to fight for ISIS

13 Sep

NEW YORK–the NFL, already set by concerns over brain health and domestic violence, found its troubles growing today, as the entire roster of the Jacksonville Jaguars travelled to Syria this morning to fight for ISIS.

“Obviously, I’m as disappointed as anyone that the entire Jaguars organization has joined a murderous terrorist group,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “With a heavy heart, I am going to suspend the players involved for the next two games.”

The motivations for the Jaguars for joining the civil war in Syria and Iraq were not entirely clear. QB Chad Henne posted a video on YouTube of himself burning his passport and pledging that he would fight until the entire Middle East was ruled by a new caliphate, “at which point we look forward to coming back and delivering some great Jaguars football for our fans.”

The NFL owners, as a sign of their grave displeasure, announced that they would cut Goodell’s pay this year to no more than a million billion zillion dollars.

Growing optimism at Syria peace talks that Justin Bieber “will learn from DUI”

24 Jan

GENEVA–after a contentious start, the Syrian peace talks here grew significantly more optimistic yesterday, with negotiators from both the government and the opposition hopeful that Justin Bieber “will take the right lessons from his DUI arrest” and straighten his ways, according to one participant.

While there has been no movement on the underlying issues fueling the Syrian civil war, including ethnic and religious strife that has led to more than 100,000 deaths, there was nonetheless growing confidence that “Bieber is just starting the next phase of his career,” in the words of opposition commander Ibrahim Salwaar.

Government officials shared this view. President Bashar Assad noted in a tweet that “Justin #Bieber will use DUI 2 learn and grow 4eva #secondchances,” although he also then warned that his army would create a “sea of blood” in fighting outside Aleppo.

“Look, at the end of the day, we’re united by our common humanity, and the desire to see Justin stay on the straight and narrow,” said Secretary of State John Kerry, sporting a new Bieber-inspired haircut. “This can only be good news.”

Obama “sure hopes someone steps up and sorts this mess out”

30 Oct

WASHINGTON—beset by a spying scandal, a disastrous start to health care reform, another looming budget crisis, and continued conflict in the Middle East, President Obama today expressed his strong wish that “someone, you know, take charge and sort all this stuff out.”

Speaking to reporters in the Rose Garden this morning, the President added that he was “pretty irritated that no one is leading on a lot of these issues.” Said Obama, “I mean, it feels like everyone is just sitting around and letting things drift.”

The President’s allies were equally gloomy about the prospect of leadership emerging to resolve the various problems facing the White House and the country as a whole. “I mean, if only there were someone whose job it was to, you know, rally the nation and work with Congress to drive the agenda forward,” said Sen. Harry Reid (D—NV). “That would be really great.”

Obama said he was willing to wait a little longer for someone to start “cracking heads.” He said, “I’m here in my office, waiting for the phone to ring.” He then went on to warn, however, that if no progress was made soon, he would have to express “some serious annoyance” at the situation.

Governments of North Korea, Somalia , Syria, Turkmenistan, Equatorial Guinea, Afghanistan all still open

11 Oct

PYONGYANG—the government of North Korea, widely cited as among the world’s most oppressive and dysfunctional, remained open for business today, local media sources confirmed.

“Everyone’s here,” confirmed a spokesman for the Ministry of Budget and Thought Control. “All offices functioning normally,” he added, before asking if he could eat the glue holding together a reporter’s notebook.

In war-torn Mogadishu, the Somali government, which holds authority only in a few blocks in the center of the warlord-run city, continued to pay its bills. Offices were open, staffed by all remaining civil servants who have not moved to the coast to become pirates.

In genocide-wracked Syria, the government recently passed its fiscal year 2013-14 budget, supported by the remaining members of parliament who have not been murdered or left to command ethnic-cleansing military detachments.

Lastly, President Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo of Equatorial Guinea, widely regarded as one of the most repressive and murderous dictators in the world, who has embezzled more than $600m from the state and has been accused of cannibalism, confirmed to a reporter than his government remained open for business and was continuing to pay its debts.

“Of course the government is open,” said Obiang, seemingly puzzled by the question. “What is this, a restaurant? What kind of amateurs would shut down a government?”

Spokesmen for the United States Congress and the White House were unavailable for comment.

At UN, Obama pledges “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes”

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in a masterful speech today at the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, President Obama promised that he would engage in “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes” to postpone “tough decisions” until after he leaves office.

“Let there be no confusion,” said Obama in stirring tones. “I will kick this can down the road for as long as there is road to kick down.”

For supporters, it was a return to the kind of bold oratory that marked his 2008 campaign, “brilliantly fused” with his timid approach to governing since.

“I’m just delighted that instead of half-hearted, empty words, we are back to Churchillian, inspiring, empty words,” gushed supporter Karen McAdams of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Leaders from around the world were quick to support Obama’s proposals for “lengthy, futile talks” to resolve conflicts in Iran, Syria, and Israel/Palestine.

“The President has shown us a path that, hopefully, will let us all slink off the stage without any real accountability for sorting this mess out,” said re-elected Chancellor Angela Merkel. “This kind of leadership could really save our sausage,” she added, using one of the two hundred German words for sausage.

President Bashir Al-Assad of Syria was also pleased. “This is the kind of international cooperation I can live with,” he said, while discussing his plan to give up his chemical weapons by 2046.

Obama outsources Syria decision to panel of celebrity judges

12 Sep

WASHINGTON–in a surprising about-face, President Obama today announced that he would not be seeking Congressional approval for an attack on Syria after all, but instead would leave the decision to a panel of celebrity judges, who would sift through the evidence around the recent chemical attack and then choose an appropriate response.

“The choice to go to war is the weightiest decision a president can make,” said Obama in a Rose Garden appearance. “So you shouldn’t be surprised to hear that I’m going to punt on it.”

The panel will consist of Oprah, Derek Jeter, Lady Gaga, Ryan Seacrest, Jay-Z, Don Draper, and Secretariat. The president brushed aside criticism noting that Don Draper is a fictional character, and Secretariat is a horse, calling them both “stone-cold badasses” who could be trusted to make the right choice.

According to the rules laid out by the president, if Bashar Assad is unwilling to accept the panel’s recommendation, he will have the ability to perform a physical challenge, as popularized on the old Nickelodeon show “Double Dare.”

Said a spokesman for the Syrian regime, “President Assad has been practicing, and feels particularly confident that he will be asked to perform the ‘Pie in the Pants’ challenge,” which will require him to don oversized clown pants and catch three pies launched by catapult in under thirty seconds. “He also feels very good about the Slopstacle Course,” added the spokesman.

John Kerry accidentally forges historic compromises on Syria chemical weapons, Israeli-Palestinian peace, international financial architecture.

10 Sep

WASHINGTON—an exhausted John Kerry, speaking to reporters in London on Monday, made a random comment about Syrian chemical weapons that may be leading to a historic arms deal. Shortly afterwards, misreading a prepared text, he laid out an innovative approach to an Israeli-Palestinian land-for-peace deal that is now advancing quickly towards completion, and then, dropping his BlackBerry, he mistakenly sent an email that has broken the gridlock on global financial regulation.

“I don’t know what to say,” said Kerry, speaking before the Senate yesterday. “Obviously.”

On Monday, Kerry’s off-the-cuff remark in London about Damascus giving up weapons was seized upon by the Russians and the French. Sources close to the State Department said that immediately afterwards Kerry, instead of proposing that the “Sinai compromise” be used as a basis for the establishment of a Palestinian state, said “Sydney compromise,” which has led to a draft agreement under which representatives from both sides would be allowed unlimited vacation time in Australia in exchange for reaching a deal. He then mistakenly sent an email reading “11%c” to the heads of the ECB and IMF, signalling a potential compromise that international financial institutions could be required to raise their capital levels to 11%, paving the way for a global regulatory accord.

Trying to build on current momentum, Kerry has now hired an infinite number of monkeys, according to staffers, who will be given typewriters to compose official diplomatic cables. “Something good has to come of it,” said a source close to Kerry.

Obama stymied as Gladys Whiskerson, Ohio homemaker, declines to support Syrian strike

6 Sep

PILTON VALLEY, Ohio—in the latest blow to President Obama’s efforts to rally national and international support for punitive action against Syria, his decision to seek permission from Gladys Whiskerson appears to have backfired on him.

Obama, who is said by his staff to be eager to enforce the “red line” he declared last year, had previously said he would strike only if he had support from Congress, the American public, NATO, the European Union, the entire cast of “Friends,” senior executives at Dunkin’ Donuts, and Ms. Whiskerson, a housewife in this small rural community known for her involvement in 4-H and a mean hand at bowling. So far, however, several of those groups have been reluctant to get involved, foremost among them Whiskerson, who called the idea “crazy.”

“I’m just a simple woman who knows apple pie and bowling,” said Whiskerson in a statement. “But I do think that cruise-missile strikes against the Alawite-led Syrian regime are unlikely to increase regional stability in the long run.”

Aides described Obama as “beside himself” at his inability to convince Whiskerson.

“Look, the President is a big fan of gutsy moves in international relations,” said an aide speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d love nothing more than to enforce his warnings against the use of chemical weapons. But if we can’t get complete unanimity from the seventy-two different groups that he has voluntarily sought approval from, then his hands are completely tied. You can’t expect him to use the constitutional powers of the Presidency without permission.”

On the ground in Syria, the embattled opposition was reported to be “deeply concerned” at the President’s political dilemma. An umbrella group released a statement expressing its “fervent wish” that Obama somehow be able to wriggle his way out of the corner without lasting political damage.

Syrian opposition cheered by news that their fate depends on U.S. Congressional action

1 Sep

ALEPPO–morale among the fragmented opposition here today was buoyed by the news that President Obama is going to ask Congress to vote on possible military intervention in the Syrian civil war.

“If all that stands between us and American support is getting Eric Cantor and Nancy Pelosi to work together, then our victory is assured!” exclaimed Ahmed Al-Jabbour, leader of a small militia based in the suburbs of Aleppo. “Surely they wouldn’t let petty partisan differences get in the way of working together for the common good.”

Supporters of the Assad regime were despondent. “We now face one of the nimblest, shrewdest governments history has ever known,” said General Ibrahim al-Nassour, deputy commander of the Syrian Air Force. “I just don’t see how we can possibly outsmart John Boehner.”

In Washington, in the meantime, the Senate was temporarily shut down while the Republican caucus investigated rumors that Mitch McConnell had once shaken President Obama’s hand “without irony.” In the House, in the meantime, GOP leaders promised swift action on Syria as soon as the ACA is repealed and taxes are cut to a flat $9.95 per capita.

Citing low ratings, NBC cancels Syrian civil war

1 Jun

NEW YORK–NBC CEO Steve Burke today announced the cancellation of Syria’s growing civil war, part of a housecleaning intended to revive the network’s flagging fortunes. He cited viewer apathy and declining ratings as the reasons for the decision, going out of his way to clarify that “we at NBC love what the Syrians have been doing over there–it is truly cutting-edge stuff–and we’re sorry to have to let it go.”

According to industry insiders, while NBC was delighted with the initial response to the Syrian revolution–“demos off the charts,” in the words of one expert–a sense of sameness had set in among viewers. Attempts to keep the war fresh with new plotlines involving factional splits within the rebel ranks only confused the public further, leading all but the diehard fans to stop watching.

The creative teams behind the war were disappointed but not surprised. “While I would love to see this war continue forever, it’s taken longer to find our audience this season,” said Syrian President Bashar Assad. “I’m incredibly proud of the work my team here has done, and I hope we can continue to slaughter civilians online.”

The civil war will join many other NBC assets that have recently been let go, including “Smash,” “Rock Center,” and a lingering sense of self-respect. In the most recent ratings results, the network placed thirty-seventh, behind ABC, CBS, Univision, Oxygen, a bunch of eighth-graders with a webcam, and vacuum-tube radio.

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