Tag Archives: taxes

Rand Paul accused of plagiarizing speech from crazy guy on street corner

5 Nov

LEXINGTON, Ky.—Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) was accused today of plagiarizing his stump speech from Elias Jarvle, a mostly-homeless man who spends his days wandering barefoot around Times Square with a sandwich board denouncing the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, and fluoridation.

“That darn Senator has stolen all my intellectual property around how the gold reserve is the only way to prevent the NSA from broadcasting propaganda about gun control and socialism through my dental fillings,” said Jarvle, wearing a falling-apart army jacket and, apparently, no underpants. “He also copied everything I’ve been saying about how Ross Perot planned 9/11 with the help of the IMF and the Trilateral Commission.”

Senator Paul released a statement in which he apologized for the plagiarism, which he claimed was inadvertent. “Because Mr. Jarvle and I think so much alike, it stands to reason that at times we would use the same wording,” explained Paul. “If I accidentally used his language when explaining why universal health care leads to totalitarianism and also how the IRS faked the Apollo landings, I am truly sorry.”

Later, Jarvle accepted Paul’s offer of restitution, consisting of a hot shower, ten dollars in Subway gift cards, and a speaking slot at the 2016 Republican national convention.

Apple dodged billions in taxes; IRS spotted evasion after children held tea party on campus

21 May

CUPERTINO—According to the Senate and the IRS, Apple Inc. has avoided paying billions in corporate taxes through a complex web of offshore entities. The IRS quickly spotted the alleged tax evasion after Take Your Daughter to Work Day, when seven-year-old Stacy Milgram held a tea party for the dolls of visiting girls.

“As soon as we saw there was a tea party on campus—boom!” said Former Acting Commissioner Steven Miller, making an explosion gesture with his hands. “Our computers picked it up right away.”

IRS examiners immediately descended on the Cupertino campus, where they took the dolls in for questioning. They also detained a software engineer who was found with a copy of the Tom Clancy novel Patriot Games.

“I think we’ve got everything we came here for,” said Ex-Acting-Commissioner Miller at a press conference held at Apple headquarters. When asked about a large sign behind him pointing towards something called “Apple Secret Tax Evasion Department,” Miller was noncommittal, pointing out that it was probably just some bureaucratic naming convention, and that the IRS lacked the manpower to follow up every little lead that came in.

A Senate panel was due to question Apple CEO Tim Cook today, during which senators were expected to press Cook on how exactly to connect iPhones to their office WiFi.

GOP charges that FBI disproportionately targeted criminals for investigation

14 May

WASHINGTON—pressure mounted on the White House today as Republican leaders levelled charges that the FBI had “unfairly focused” its efforts on known criminal groups.

“I’m disgusted that the FBI would single out these hard-working, non-law-abiding citizens for scrutiny,” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R—Texas). Cruz went on to paint a vivid picture of “jack-booted men with guns breaking down doors” simply because dangerous fugitives happened to be inside.

The accusation follows the news that the IRS investigated small nonprofit groups with “Tea Party” or “Patriot” in their titles, a move which President Obama has called “exactly the sort of dirty, business-as-usual politics that Democrats would like me to be much better at.”

While the controversy continues to simmer, a bipartisan group of senators proposed a solution under which the FBI and IRS would investigate each other, and the nonprofits would receive complimentary tinfoil hats.

Romney gives today’s hint on his taxes: “It’s bigger than a breadbox”

17 Aug

BOSTON—as part of his campaign’s clever approach to keeping national attention squarely on the Republican ticket, Mitt Romney today released another clue as to how much tax he has paid in the last decade.

 

“So, if you took all my taxes, converted them to twenty-dollar bills, and put them next to each other in a little pile, the pile would be bigger than a breadbox,” said Romney, in a rare press conference. “Also, you wouldn’t want to leave it on the back seat of your car in a rough neighborhood, if you know what I mean.”

 

Under further questioning from the media, Romney also said that the first number “rhymes with ‘-illion’” and that if you sewed it all together, “it could definitely make a nice warm blanket.”

 

“I love this game!” said Anderson Cooper shortly after leaving the press conference. “We ask questions; he fends them off. He gives us a clue; we try to work out what it means. I could talk about this on-air for weeks!”

 

Explained Romney spokesman Rick Gorka, “we think Americans admire Mitt Romney the most when he is cagey and dissembling, and dragging out this tax return story as long as possible helps us position him just the way we want to.”

 

Ann Romney reinforced the campaign’s stance. “We aren’t going to release the returns, because that would just give the Democrats ammunition to use against us,” she said. “For example, the fact that my husband has committed a number of felonies in recent years. They would probably try to attack us for that.”

 

The Obama campaign was once again left playing catch-up. “I tell you, we are trying to get Joe Biden’s speeches front and center in the press,” said frustrated campaign manager David Plouffe, “and Mitt just keeps grabbing the spotlight with all these dribbles of information.”

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