Tag Archives: tea party

Rick Perry criticizes “the parts of Ron Paul’s foreign policy I can remember”

13 Jul

AUSTIN—in a clear signal that he may run again for President, Gov. Rick Perry (R—TX) today published an Op-Ed blasting Ron Paul’s foreign policy.

“Look, I haven’t read the papers for a while,” said Perry. “But my recollection is that he had some pretty dumb stuff in there about Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan. And I can’t remember exactly what he said about Israel but I recall being irked by it.”

Perry said that “Ron Paul’s mistaken views on places like France and Europe will drag us back to the days of the McEnroe doctrine.” He added that “there was something I think he said once about Mexico, or maybe Canada—it was, like, ‘maybe we should tax them,’ or maybe something about the food—whatever it was, it was just flat wrong.” He also said Paul gave insufficient focus to the border with Australia.

Perry was relatively upfront about his motives in writing the editorial. “Look, I don’t want people to think of me as a policy lightweight,” he said in a subsequent interview. “I want people to think of me as the guy who doesn’t care if children die in my state from preventable diseases.”

20140713-150608.jpgGov. Rick Perry successfully answers a gotcha question about which one is the “index” finger

Tinfoil shortage expected to cripple Tea Party hopes in GOP primary today

20 May

LEXINGTON, Ky–Tea Party hopes for an upset victory in today’s Republican Senate primary were badly hurt today as stores across the state reported running out of tinfoil, anti-fluoride filters, exploding arrows, and other supplies deemed essential to electoral success.

“I want to get out there and vote against Mitch McConnell, but I’m not going to walk into one of those Federal Government/IMF/Goldman Sachs so-called ‘polling places’ without the proper protection from their mind-control devices,” said John Delraney, head of the Kentucky Freedom Alliance, who was covered head to toe in aluminum nonstick cookware. “I still need a radar detector, forty gallons of brake fluid, and at least half a dozen laser pointers to make this thing work, and Walmart claims they ‘aren’t available.'”

Other Tea Party activists agreed that they were unlikely to be able to vote given spot shortages of critical materials. “If I’m going to leave this bunker, I need to cover all my fillings with epoxy,” said Janice Margsdale. “And you know who controls the epoxy business in this country? The ATF, that’s who. And the Jews, of course.”

Matt Bevin, the Tea Party candidate seeking to unseat Sen. McConnell, pleaded with his supporters to get out and vote, suggesting alternative protection from gamma-rays and “Google bombs” such as pickup bed liners and squirrel blood. “This is important, and I need you to vote,” said Bevin. “Even if you have to risk your precious bodily fluids to do so.”

Rand Paul accused of plagiarizing speech from crazy guy on street corner

5 Nov

LEXINGTON, Ky.—Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) was accused today of plagiarizing his stump speech from Elias Jarvle, a mostly-homeless man who spends his days wandering barefoot around Times Square with a sandwich board denouncing the Federal Reserve, the World Bank, and fluoridation.

“That darn Senator has stolen all my intellectual property around how the gold reserve is the only way to prevent the NSA from broadcasting propaganda about gun control and socialism through my dental fillings,” said Jarvle, wearing a falling-apart army jacket and, apparently, no underpants. “He also copied everything I’ve been saying about how Ross Perot planned 9/11 with the help of the IMF and the Trilateral Commission.”

Senator Paul released a statement in which he apologized for the plagiarism, which he claimed was inadvertent. “Because Mr. Jarvle and I think so much alike, it stands to reason that at times we would use the same wording,” explained Paul. “If I accidentally used his language when explaining why universal health care leads to totalitarianism and also how the IRS faked the Apollo landings, I am truly sorry.”

Later, Jarvle accepted Paul’s offer of restitution, consisting of a hot shower, ten dollars in Subway gift cards, and a speaking slot at the 2016 Republican national convention.

New Republican plan: Jesus to resolve shutdown

14 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the voting public increasingly blaming them for the government shutdown, and with no obvious compromise on the horizon, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives today announced their new plan, which is for Jesus to return, abolish Obamacare, and re-open the government.

“The Bible tells us that the Lord will provide,” said Rep. Matt Salmon (R–AZ). “The way I see it, that means we can blunder around without a plan of any kind and paint ourselves into a corner, and Jesus will eventually come bail us out.”

Rep. Ted Yoho (R–FL) confirmed that the GOP had broken off negotiations over the budget and the debt ceiling, deciding instead to “put our faith in Jesus,” waiting for him to return and “lay the smack down” on the White House. “Jesus definitely has our back on this one,” explained Yoho. “If there’s one thing he hates, it’s caring for the poor and the sick.”

When asked if there was a backup plan, just in case Jesus failed to intervene in the budget dispute, Yoho grew visibly angry. “Did Moses have a backup plan?” he asked, face crimson. “Did the disciples? Are you saying you don’t believe?”

Asked whether he was seeking any kind of divine intervention to resolve the shutdown, President Obama thought for a moment. “I think thirty or forty lightning bolts might help,” he finally said.

God tells Michele Bachmann not to run in 2014, citing FEC investigation and tough fundraising environment

29 May

MINNEAPOLIS—Rep. Michele Bachmann (R—MN), the controversial Tea Party figure, today announced that after “extensive prayer,” she had been directed by God not to run for re-election in 2014.

“God said that in light of the Federal Election Commission’s inquiry into the fundraising for my presidential campaign, as well as some tough polling data and donor fatigue, He recommended that I not run again,” said Bachmann. “I have chosen to take His advice.”

God’s advice reflects His greatly increased role in tactical political decision making among conservative Republicans. “God traditionally confined His advice to asking people to run for offices they were hugely unqualified for, like Sarah Palin for VP,” said one expert. “But now He’s getting involved with procedural votes in the House and campaign scheduling.”

Leading athletes have been unhappy with God’s increased role in the Tea Party. “We used to have God helping out with free throws and half-court shots at the buzzer,” said NBA star Kevin Durant. “Now it seems like He’s too busy advising the Texas Congressional delegation to vote against background checks for gun buyers.”

Despite his heavy involvement in her disastrous 2012 presidential campaign, Bachmann still said she valued God’s advice. “Sure, last year was a disaster, and logically I should stop taking God’s advice,” said Bachmann. “But logic has never played a role in my thinking.”

Tea Party members reject hurricane rescues on ideological grounds

31 Oct

ATLANTIC CITY—in keeping with their avowed anti-government stance, right-wing activists endangered by Hurricane Sandy have been almost unanimously rejecting the efforts of taxpayer-supported search-and-rescue teams that are trying to help them.

“No thank you!” shouted Dolores Vandermeer to the Newark ambulance crew working to free her from beneath the tree that had shattered her leg. “Last year I said government isn’t the solution to anything. What am I, a hypocrite?”

John Rottmeyer voiced similar views as he stood on the roof of his car, surrounded by floodwaters here in Atlantic City. “We need a free-market solution to this,” he yelled, waving off a Coast Guard helicopter that was prepared to winch him to safety. “The private sector should provide disaster rescue insurance, and I as a rational consumer will take it out, and we can get rid of these faceless bureaucrats,” he explained, pointing towards the four people risking their lives to help him.

In a post-hurricane rant on Fox, Ann Coulter reinforced the notion that government should get out of the way. “If we didn’t have Washington getting in our way, private citizens would come together and agree on a solution that worked for everyone, and then organize to put it in place.” When it was explained to her that that was what government was, she looked nonplussed. “Then it needs more flags,” she said.

Mitt Romney, who last year declared that FEMA was a waste of taxpayer money and should be abolished, today clarified his statement, explaining that he had been misquoted. “What I was actually saying was ‘I love America,’” announced Romney.

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