Tag Archives: technology

Apple dodged billions in taxes; IRS spotted evasion after children held tea party on campus

21 May

CUPERTINO—According to the Senate and the IRS, Apple Inc. has avoided paying billions in corporate taxes through a complex web of offshore entities. The IRS quickly spotted the alleged tax evasion after Take Your Daughter to Work Day, when seven-year-old Stacy Milgram held a tea party for the dolls of visiting girls.

“As soon as we saw there was a tea party on campus—boom!” said Former Acting Commissioner Steven Miller, making an explosion gesture with his hands. “Our computers picked it up right away.”

IRS examiners immediately descended on the Cupertino campus, where they took the dolls in for questioning. They also detained a software engineer who was found with a copy of the Tom Clancy novel Patriot Games.

“I think we’ve got everything we came here for,” said Ex-Acting-Commissioner Miller at a press conference held at Apple headquarters. When asked about a large sign behind him pointing towards something called “Apple Secret Tax Evasion Department,” Miller was noncommittal, pointing out that it was probably just some bureaucratic naming convention, and that the IRS lacked the manpower to follow up every little lead that came in.

A Senate panel was due to question Apple CEO Tim Cook today, during which senators were expected to press Cook on how exactly to connect iPhones to their office WiFi.

In “freakish coincidence,” malfunctioning drone attacks Rand Paul

9 Mar

WASHINGTON–in what puzzled scientists are calling a bizarre coincidence, Sen. Rand Paul (R–KY) nearly escaped death today when a malfunctioning Predator drone accidentally released its weapons while directly over him, incinerating his car.

“The odds of this have to be less than a billion to one,” said a CIA spokesman at a hastily called press conference. “The odds of an accidental weapons release striking someone–they’re just astronomical.”

“The Hellfire missile is heat-seeking, and satellite imagery showed an enormous column of hot air emanating from Senator Paul just before the accident,” said defense expert Col. Robert Wilson. “He survived only because the tinfoil hat he was wearing confused the Predator’s radar.”

The White House released a message of condolence and concern approximately fifteen minutes before the accident occurred. “I have no idea how that happened,” said President Obama.

Senator Paul was taken to Walter Reed hospital by first responders, who found him ranting incoherently by the side of the road. He was released after medical staff found that this was a pre-existing condition.

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