Tag Archives: terrorism

America relieved to find Charleston shooting has no link to Islam

19 Jun

CHARLESTON–after a day of tense uncertainty, America breathed a collective sigh of relief as the man who murdered nine African-Americans at a South Carolina church was apprehended and found to be a white supremacist, not an Islamic radical.

“I’m pleased to announce that this shocking act was a hate crime, and not an act of terror,” said Gov. Nikki Haley (R). “If this guy had been a Muslim who hated Americans, then he’d be a terrorist, but since he’s a white Christian dude who hates black people, then he’s just a nut job. And it’s not like we can do anything about nut jobs.”

Haley went on to demand that shooting suspect Dylann Roof, if convicted, receive the death penalty anyway. “It would be good practice,” she said.

Convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev, who with his brother killed four people, released a statement in which he claimed that he, too, had been motivated by racism, not religion. “That would make it so much better, right?”

In the meantime, the grieving familes from both Charleston and Boston seemed strangely uninterested in the debate.

 

Thankfully, he’s just a murderer, not a terrorist 

Deranged Australian gunman buys black flag; becomes global terrorist threat

15 Dec

SYDNEY—a mentally ill Iranian-Australian man with a long criminal history today took hostages inside a café here. The initial threat assessment of “Moderate” was then upgraded to “Unbelievably, Incredibly High” when he unfurled a black flag with the Islamic profession of faith on it.

“Look, some guy waving a gun around, threatening people, that’s no big deal,” said a spokesman for the New South Wales police. “But when we found out that he had a largely made-up superficial connection to Islam, then we decided it was time for some old-fashioned national panic.”

The gunman, Man Haron Manis, was well-known to the authorities for sending incoherent denunciations to the police and espousing bizarre conspiracy theories. He was on bail for sexual assault charges and involvement in the murder of his ex-wife. “We would have kept an eye on him,” said the police spokesman, “but we didn’t know he owned a black flag.”

Executing a well-prepared plan, Australian police descended in force, closed down the center of the city, and then milled about all day, wondering what to do next. Explaining why more than two hundred officers in full armor were considered necessary, the spokesman pointed out that “We have all this cool deadly combat gear. What are we supposed to do, not use it?” Pressed further, he offered the possibility that Manis “might have transformed into a deadly robot ninja or something.”

The siege ended around 2am, when police stormed the café and shot Manis dead.

IMG_4293.JPG“We didn’t know what the hat meant,” said authorities

Parents of 43 murdered Mexican students “deeply relieved” that killers were not Islamic militants

10 Nov

MEXICO CITY—the parents of 43 missing Mexican students, who have now been confirmed dead, were reported today to have breathed “a big sigh of relief” upon learning that their children were killed as part of a political feud in the southwestern town of Iguala, and that there was no connection whatsoever to militant Islam.

“If terrorists had killed my daughter, then of course this would be a national, even global, tragedy,” said Ramon Gonzalez, 43. “But corruption and murder? No biggie.”

Coming shortly after both Canada and the United States were pitched into hysteria by the murder of a soldier in Ottawa, the news that the Mexican killings were unconnected to terrorism prompted relief and celebration throughout the Americas.

“It’s not a tragedy if Muslims didn’t do it,” explained a US State Department spokesman.

Australian PM super-excited to have his own terrorist threat

11 Oct

CANBERRA–Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott today announced that “after years of trying to whip one up,” his government had finally managed to find a homegrown terrorist threat.

“I’m pleased to announce that Australia now has a genuine Islamic terrorist threat,” said Abbott, smiling from ear to ear at a press conference. “I’d like to thank my team for their years of dedicated race-baiting, which has made today’s announcement possible.”

Abbott announced that Australian federal police had launched a series of pre-dawn raids in order to detain several young men who “had made vague statements about doing bad stuff online.” He noted that “they looked pretty shady and ethnic and stuff.”

Although he did not comment on the specific nature of the threats, Abbott did note that “once guys in their early 20s start talking to their mates about doing something, precise coordinated action can’t be far behind.” A source close to the investigation revealed that in a chat room one of the arrested men had commented on ISIS and said “we should totally do something, you know?”, which caused the entire government to go on high alert.

Prosecutors said that the arrested men would be tried for violating laws that were due to be written any day now.

“My government takes terrorism extremely seriously,” said Tony Abbott. “That’s why we have decided to start violating civil liberties, publicizing trivial incidents, and making hostile comments about religions and ethnicities, so that we can have more of it to fight.”

IMG_3642.JPGWe’ve got a terrorist threat this big

In feel-good story, American public comes to terms with Haram kidnappings and moves on

29 Sep

NEW YORK—the tragic story of the hundreds of Nigerian girls kidnapped by Boko Haram in May reached a surprising and uplifting conclusion today, as polling showed that the American public had successfully dealt with the upsetting news and was moving on.

“I think we were all worried that Americans would continue to be agitated by this news for months or even years to come,” said David McGiltrick, Professor of Empathy Studies at the University of Texas. “It’s really heart-warming to see that we are all just letting go and moving on with our lives.”

McGiltrick also noted that while some groups continued to be upset by the failure to investigate and return the girls, “including their parents, which I guess is understandable,” almost no one else seemed to care very much at this point.

“It really looked like we were pulling out all the stops,” he said. “People changing their Facebook profile pictures, lots of Twitter activity, even mentions at some sporting events. But at long last, it’s back to business as usual.”

In other news, Michelle Obama explained that when she had demanded justice for the kidnappings, she had “just been messing around with you.”

IMG_3609.JPG
Happily, images like these “don’t seem to be bothering us” any more, experts say

Obama pledges to defeat ISIS without the use of ground troops, or aid, or extensive diplomacy

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in his speech to the United Nations today, President Obama vowed to “crush ISIS with immediate and overwhelming force,” ruling out nothing except troops on the ground, a lot of money, anything that might expose Americans to risk, or take too much time.

As he noted in his speech, he was willing to use every other tool at his disposal, which include limited airstrikes, angry-sounding speeches, and “the healing power of dance.”

The world leaders in attendance applauded the speech vigorously, noting afterwards in interviews that “it really takes the pressure off us if no one else is doing anything, either.”

A somber-faced spokesman for ISIS noted that periodic US drone strikes on its fighters posed a grave threat to the organization, “because one thing hard to find in the Middle East is a supply of angry young men without much to lose.”

American media join the fight against ISIS by showing its videos over and over and over again

4 Sep

NEW YORK–major American television, online, and newspaper outlets joined the campaign against ISIS today by showing outtakes from its macabre decapitation videos over and over again.

“These videos are obscene, designed only to shock and terrify anyone who sees them,” said John Clemmons, spokesman for NBC. “Therefore, we’re going to be broadcasting them as much as we can possibly get away with.”

Pundits from across the political spectrum agreed to work together against the common threat. “As soon as the American public is scared, then the terrorists win,” said Bill O’Reilly. “That’s why I’m going to tell you in loving detail about the gruesome televised murders of innocent people.”

“This will not stand,” said Anderson Cooper. “And as soon as we have anything else from ISIS to repeat, we’ll be sure to do that, over and over again.”

White House frustrated by inability to bomb anything following Boston attack

2 May

WASHINGTON–President Obama today made a speech complaining about his inability to launch a military response to the recent bombing.

The President condemned the brothers implicated in the attack for “not having the foresight…to own anything we could blow up, or to come from a rinky-dink country that we could invade.” He went on to suggest that this was in fact the most diabolical part of the brothers’ plan, “to take away the possibility of a feel-good act of carnage” that could give the country “closure.”

Congressional leaders were quick to agree. In a rare display of bipartisanship, Senators Mitch McConnell (R–Kentucky) and Harry Reid (D–Nevada) announced the “Adopt-a-Homegrown-Terrorist” bill, which would invite small countries to retroactively sponsor the Boston bombers, so that the United States could retaliate against them.

The House immediately announced a plan of its own, which would offer low-interest loans to surviving bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev to build something that could then be destroyed in an airstrike.

Obama’s speech was the third in what has been billed as a series of major policy addresses entitled “Things I Want to Complain About.” His next speech will be about how Eric Cantor isn’t very helpful; after that, he plans to discuss how hard it is to open milk cartons.

Politicians come together to complain about inability to exploit Boston tragedy

17 Apr

BOSTON–as the investigation of the tragic Boston Marathon bombing ended its third day without any indication of who was behind it, politicians from both parties expressed frustration that they were losing valuable time to exploit the senseless deaths for their own ends.

“I mean, I’m sure this can ultimately be traced back to the President’s failed policies,” said Rep. Eric Cantor. “But if I’m going to use the attack to raise money, we need some progress, before everyone moves on. I don’t think the FBI understands that control of the House in 2014 may be at stake here.”

Democrats were no less indignant at the slow progress. “I’m hoping it’s some militia member, or maybe an ex-felon who had his gun rights restored,” said Sen. Harry Reid. “Maybe he’s even from Texas and mad about the election. That would be, you know, a dream scenario.”

At press time, members of Congress were advancing a range of theories. Sen. Rand Paul suggested that the shrapnel-packed pressure cookers might somehow have been placed by a malfunctioning Predator drone. “There’s just so much we don’t know,” said Senator Paul.

Duelling bills have already been advanced in Congress. Democrats have suggested a waiting period before the private sale of pressure cookers, while Republicans are promoting an alternative that would allow athletes to carry concealed bombs on them for deterrence reasons.

America struggles to feign interest in legality of drone strikes during Brennan confirmation hearing

8 Feb

WASHINGTON–the American public got a rare chance to hear a high-level debate over the legality and ethics of targeted drone strikes today during the hearings to confirm John Brennan as director of the Central Intelligence Agency.

“This issue gets to the very heart of our foreign policy, the definition of American justice, and indeed our national character,” said Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D–CA), chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee. “I almost feel guilty for just not finding it very interesting.”

Other members concurred. “I’d like to have a sense of outrage here,” said Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D–MD). “But, really, you want me to get excited about a bunch of internal memos lawyers wrote for each other?”

Republicans were less interested in the debate. “As part of our platform, we endorse killing people under any circumstances,” said Committee Vice-Chair Saxby Chambliss (R–GA). “Terrorists, murderers, Pakistani civilians, people who hum tunelessly–take them all down, and we’ll sort out any legal issues later.” Chambliss later co-sponsored an amendment to legislation reauthorizing the Park Service that would allow any federal employee “to kill anyone anywhere for any reason,” as long as the employee “had a steely glint in his or her eye” while doing so.

Sen. Ron Wyden (D–OR) came prepared with tough questions for John Brennan about the drone strike, but Brennan deftly countered by presenting Wyden with a set of limited-edition terrorist and Predator action figures. The toys are highly classified, so Wyden will only be able to play with them at an unspecified secure facility.

%d bloggers like this: