Tag Archives: texas

In political compromise, no one in Houston will be allowed to use the bathroom at all

4 Nov

HOUSTON—after a backlash against the defeat of an anti-discrimination ordinance yesterday, one that opponents claimed would “allow men into women’s bathrooms,” the city council and mayor here announced a compromise that would ensure no one was allowed into any bathroom at all.

Mayor Annise Parker, a strong supporter of the ordinance, said at a press conference that “while this compromise is far from perfect, it is better than continuing a legacy of discrimination on the basis of gender identity.” She then declined to take questions and walked off the stage quickly, explaining that she had “an urgent event to attend in Galveston.”

Opponents of the anti-discrimination ordinance ran a series of ads that seemed to equate being in a protected class with being a sexual offender. “I’m pretty sure that history is on our side,” said Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R). “Hopefully we’ve just passed Peak Tolerance.”

Abbott went on to say that he was not deaf to the pleas of transgender individuals to have some place where they can legally urinate. “We plan to have separate but equal facilities in place shortly,” he explained.

Rick Perry takes another hit as mother joins Trump campaign

4 Sep

AUSTIN—the struggling presidential campaign of former Texas governor Rick Perry took another hit today as his mother, the 87-year-old Amelia June Holt, switched her endorsement to Donald Trump and took a county chair position in his campaign.

“The time has come to say goodbye to politics as usual, and to embrace a fresh new voice on the political scene,” said Ms. Holt, announcing the move. “I am therefore withdrawing my endorsement of Rick Perry and instead throwing my support to Donald Trump.”

Holt said that Perry’s record as governor of Texas was “disappointing,” and that his campaign “offered no new ideas.” Instead, she was drawn to Trump’s personality, his tough stance on the issues, and “his ability to get past politics as usual.”

Perry tried to put a brave face on the news, noting that “every voter will need time to explore the Donald Trump phenomenon,” but predicted that he would win back his mother’s vote in the end.

“It’s a long campaign,” he said, “and I think my natural constituency will come back to me in the end.”

In other tough news for Perry, CNN announced a new format for the September 16 Republican primary debate. There will now be three debates, one for the top ten candidates, another for the next five, and a third consisting only of Rick Perry arguing with the security guard at the entrance to the second debate.

We really should have used a picture of Rick Perry’s mother here. But we just love this photo too much.

Rick Perry signs up for 20,000 new phone lines

3 Aug

AUSTIN, TX.—Former Gov. Rick Perry (TX) today signed up for an additional 20,000 phone lines at his home here, explaining that he “needed them for personal use.”

“See, Anita needs one to talk to her friends, and then I like to have one in case someone wants to call to invite me fishing,” he explained. “And then there’s one for the Internet, which I hear is going to be big, and then it’s just polite to have one for each of 19,997 potential house guests we might have.”

Perry steadfastly denied that there was any connection to the decision by Fox News to limit participation in Wednesday’s Republican primary debates to the ten candidates with the highest polling numbers.

“First of all, I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” said Perry. “Second of all, even if the polling cutoff was tomorrow night, and even if pollsters do find targets by randomly dialling phone numbers, and if their statistical models regularly oversample Austin due to its high-sigma demographic profile, well, what does that have to do with anything?”

A twissblog reporter, dialling the Perry residence for comment, had a conversation with an answering machine that proclaimed its strong support for “Rick Perry for President 2016,” before asking the caller to leave a message “and ideally credit-card authorization for $2,700.”

Perry, who is currently in 11th place in polls with 2.8% of the vote, trailing Chris Christie with 3.4%, denied any connection to the message. “I suppose that’s just some God-fearing citizen of Texas expressing his views, he said. “I don’t know why it sounded like it was recorded through a sock.” Perry then looked confused. “So you hung up before it mentioned the George Washington Bridge thing? I mean, if it had mentioned that. Which I wouldn’t know if it did, or it didn’t.”
Gov. Rick Perry gives a speech during the Texas GOP Convention in Fort Worth, Texas on Thursday, June, 5, 2014. In his address, the longest-serving governor in the state's history focused more on the future and national issues than his political legacy at home. (AP Photo/Rex C. Curry)

If elected President, Rick Perry promises to give every American a nice T-Bone steak, “about this big”

Texas could run out of places to permit concealed handguns by 2030, new study finds

4 Jun

AUSTIN—an alarming new scientific study confirms that Texas is “rapidly depleting” its supply of locations in which people have not yet been allowed to carry guns, and that “this precious natural resource” could be entirely gone within 15 years.

“For too long, Texas has been using up these gun-free locations without any concern for future generations,” said Dr. Ken Irvine, the lead author of the study. “Unless we take urgent action, we face the very real possibility of a state in which politicians seeking a cheap popularity boost have nowhere left to permit concealed carry.”

The study notes that already politicians have been forced to pass laws permitting concealed weapons in “increasingly absurd” locations such as airport lobbies, churches, and as of this week, college campuses. “Within five years, political opportunists will have to resort to passing new laws to allow guns on shuffleboard courts, hospital delivery rooms, and funeral homes,” noted Dr. Irvine.

Governor Greg Abbott (R) called for a measured response to the report. “I am sure the ingenuity of our scientists will allow us to find more spots where we can cram in concealed carry,” he said. “That’s the kind of thinking that made Texas so incredibly great, and also violent.”

Bet you feel safer already, right?

In surprising twist, US Army invades and occupies Texas, after all

20 May

DALLAS–in a move that surprised most observers, President Obama today revealed that Jade Helm 15 actually was a plot to invade Texas and seize the guns of God-fearing Americans.

“I am pleased to report that US Special Forces, acting under my personal supervision, as well as that of the United Nations, today managed to overcome the Texas National Guard and occupy two-thirds of the state,” said Obama in a speech to journalists and supporters. “As a result, we are in a position to impose Obamacare, fluoride, and Common Core on the last few holdouts.”

Gov. Greg Abbott (R–TX), who had spotted the conspiracy early and attempted to resist, issued a statement congratulating President Obama and endorsing Hillary Clinton. Journalists noted that he seemed to be much taller, no longer in a wheelchair, and left-handed.

Obama noted that the Special Forces would maintain control of Texas until such time as the European Union was able to send its own troops to take possession of the state, having purchased it from the United States in exchange for its proprietary mind-reading technology.

 Greg Abbott knew all along 

Growing concern among Republicans that American economy may be improving

6 Feb

WASHINGTON—After this week’s strong jobs report, which showed a significant increase in the labor force as well as upward revisions to the job creation of recent months, leading Republicans today expressed concern that life might be getting better for the majority of Americans.

“You plan, and you work, and you take dozens of symbolic votes in the House to repeal Obamacare, and then a piece of bad luck like this just drops in your lap,” lamented Ted Cruz (R–TX). “The job growth, the improving consumer confidence, the wage improvements–it’s putting everything we’ve worked hard not to accomplish in jeopardy,” he said.

Not everyone had lost hope. On a recent visit to London, Paris, Tokyo, Singapore, and Hong Kong, Gov. Chris Christie (R–NJ) shared his confidence that “we still might see the hopes and dreams of the American public go down the pooper” in time for the 2016 presidential election. He added that he looked forward to paying a brief visit to New Jersey “just as soon as I’ve finished trips to Italy, Germany, Yugoslavia, the Soviet Union, India, and China.”

Jeb Bush, speaking to a gathering of Republican mayors as part of his regular duties as the ex-governor of Florida, enthused about an “America full of breadlines and crime,” noting that “in times of crisis, Americans will want to see a middle-aged white guy in charge, and I’m one of those.”

Rick Perry returned a call seeking comment, but could not easily be heard, as he held the phone upside down for the entire conversation.

Official Portrait
We could have used a photo of any of these guys, but we here at twissblog have a particular fondness for Smilin’ Chris Christie, and want to use his official state portrait as often as possible.

Rick Perry criticizes “the parts of Ron Paul’s foreign policy I can remember”

13 Jul

AUSTIN—in a clear signal that he may run again for President, Gov. Rick Perry (R—TX) today published an Op-Ed blasting Ron Paul’s foreign policy.

“Look, I haven’t read the papers for a while,” said Perry. “But my recollection is that he had some pretty dumb stuff in there about Iraq, or maybe Afghanistan. And I can’t remember exactly what he said about Israel but I recall being irked by it.”

Perry said that “Ron Paul’s mistaken views on places like France and Europe will drag us back to the days of the McEnroe doctrine.” He added that “there was something I think he said once about Mexico, or maybe Canada—it was, like, ‘maybe we should tax them,’ or maybe something about the food—whatever it was, it was just flat wrong.” He also said Paul gave insufficient focus to the border with Australia.

Perry was relatively upfront about his motives in writing the editorial. “Look, I don’t want people to think of me as a policy lightweight,” he said in a subsequent interview. “I want people to think of me as the guy who doesn’t care if children die in my state from preventable diseases.”

20140713-150608.jpgGov. Rick Perry successfully answers a gotcha question about which one is the “index” finger

GOP Congressman Steve Stockman invites racist rodeo clown to Texas; cites “professional courtesy”

15 Aug

FRIENDSWOOD, Texas—Freshman Republican congressman Steve Stockman (R—TX) today announced that he was inviting a rodeo clown, whose racist impersonation of Barack Obama created controversy at the Missouri State Fair, to perform in Texas. Stockman explained that his invitation was motivated by “professional courtesy to a colleague.”

“This guy and I have a lot in common,” said Stockman. “He’s been in the business of whipping up crowds into a racist frenzy for years, and I’m sure he’s got a lot of great tips for me.”

“It makes a lot of sense,” said Aditya Sood, Professor of Clown Studies at UCLA. “There aren’t that many racist clowns left, so they stick together.”

Stockman, whose achievements to date in Congress include sponsoring legislations to allow guns in schools and voting against the Violence Against Women act, seemed surprised by the negative reaction to his invitation. “If you’re saying we can’t make fun of black people at rodeos any more, what’s next? Giving them the vote?”

Stockman explained that his invitation was a defense of free speech. “In America, people are allowed to say whatever they want,” he said. “Constitutional scholars agree that only way to protect that right is to say incredibly offensive things all the time. I’d like to think I’m part of the solution.”

Perry signs tough new abortion bill outlawing all women in Texas

19 Jul

AUSTIN—stating that his goal was to “protect ladies from unsafe surgical procedures,” Gov. Rick Perry of Texas today signed a bill that would prevent any woman of childbearing age from entering the state.

“Texas men are irresistible,” explained Perry. “Once you let women in this state, they’ll probably be pregnant in minutes, and then they might get an abortion, which could lead to uncontrollable bleeding. So this is just to protect our ladies, really.”

The no-women-allowed law is a stronger version of a previous bill aimed at restricting abortion. Under the previous law, which was successfully filibustered by Democrats, abortions could only take place in clinics that met statewide surgical standards, had at least one doctor on staff with hospital privileges, and had the ability to launch a satellite into space.

Responding to criticism that deporting millions and millions of Texan women would lead to a massive exodus of families and destroy the state’s economy, Perry was unapologetic. “What price is too great to save a human life?” he asked rhetorically, while behind him a half-naked child with whooping cough tugged on his pants and asked for medicine.

A few minutes later, Perry was handed a note by an aide, and interrupted his prepared text to issue a correction. “Apparently in Texas we believe $500 is too great,” he clarified.

Eric Cantor reveals preventative surgery for brain cancer

15 May

HOUSTON–in a moving speech, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor today revealed that he underwent preventative surgery a few years ago because of his family history of brain cancer.

“These are difficult decisions, and I don’t pretend to know what’s right for everyone,” said Cantor. He then lost his train of thought and spent several minutes staring directly at the sun. A moment later, he sponsored the 37th House vote to repeal Obamacare.

Although Cantor declined to offer specifics, he said that he had had “radical preventative surgery” to prevent an occurrence of the brain cancer that he had seen on an episode of Grey’s Anatomy and which “really scared the bejeezus out of me.” He didn’t give a date for the surgery, although experts noted that in February 2012 Cantor attempted to do a magic trick while being interviewed on Fox News.

“I feel great after the surgery,” said Cantor. “I’m going to recommend it to all my colleagues in the House.”

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