Tag Archives: thanksgiving

Oklahoma botches traditional Thanksgiving Day turkey execution

27 Nov

OKLAHOMA CITY–in a feel-good moment gone wrong, local officials here today badly botched the state’s traditional Thanksgiving execution of a condemned turkey, leading to a grim scene of “flapping and squawking” at the State Kitchen today.

“Stuff happens,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R), “We shouldn’t let one little setback disrupt our quest to find new and innovative ways of killing things.”

According to the state chef’s official inquiry, the condemned turkey seemed to be conscious for a “considerable period of time” after it was supposed to be sedated. The state’s “lethal cocktail” for turkeys consists of cutting each bird’s head off and refrigerating it for up to a week; the report said it was unclear why this “normally reliable” method had failed in this instance.

The turkey’s identity was not released. In a bid to stave off criticism, however, Gov. Fallin noted that it had been convicted of a 1987 convenience-store robbery on the basis of “highly reliable” eyewitness testimony.

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Shocking photo taken minutes after the botched attempt

GOP blasts Obama’s “craven” pardon of Thanksgiving turkey

28 Nov

WASHINGTON—Republican leaders came out today with harsh criticism of President Obama’s pardon of a White House turkey, a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition.

“Just another cut-and-run surrender to crime and terrorism,” spluttered Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “We don’t know what this turkey has done—whether it’s part of the Al-Qaeda poultry wing, for example—or what it might do next. This White House has again shown its inability to defend American interests overseas, at home, or in the dining room.”

Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) noted that the turkey was now likely to become a “long-term ward of the state, propped up by the tax dollars of American small-business owners,” instead of a “collection of juicy breasts and thighs, like Newt Gingrinch.”

Condemnation was widespread, although varied in nature. “Obama’s goons have planted a tiny jamming device in my fillings so that I can’t warn the American people that the Soviet leadership is actually just hiding beneath that giant Wal-Mart in Arlington, biding their time until they can activate their secret beagle army,” Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX) shouted over his shoulder as he was led away by nurses

Intervening forcefully in Middle Eastern violence, Obama pardons turkey from Israel-Gaza border

22 Nov

WASHINGTON—stung by criticism that he has not done enough in response to the outbreak of violence in Gaza and southern Israel, but also needing to commemorate Thanksgiving, President Obama today announced that he was “preventing more bloodshed” by pardoning a turkey from the troubled region.

“America supports peace throughout the world, and will always use every means at its disposal to curtail violence,” said Obama in a Rose Garden address. “I am therefore using the full powers of the Presidency to ensure that cute little Khaled Sharon here, who grew up on the Israeli-Gaza border, lives a long and full life in a petting zoo.” The president always pardons a turkey on Thanksgiving, a tradition stretching back decades, but until this year it had always been domestic.

While some foreign-policy experts questioned whether pardoning a bird was really a sufficient response to the ongoing violence, most pundits agreed that Obama’s move had been politically shrewd.

“The Middle Eastern conflict is highly complex and extremely difficult to resolve,” said Anne-Marie Slaughter, Bert G. Kerstetter University Professor of Politics and International Affairs at Princeton University. “Aside from a cheap gesture like this one, his only other attractive option was to give Hamas aid in order to build something large which we could then bomb.” Dean Slaughter went on to add that she would probably be quoted more often if she had a shorter title.

The President’s gesture was received with cautious optimism by both Hamas and the Israeli government. “I welcome America’s engagement in this conflict, as no one has been more supportive of President Obama than I,” said Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Although apparently my evil identical twin said some pretty nasty things in the run-up to the election.”

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