Tag Archives: top stories

Trump disputes his own election victory

27 Nov

NEW YORK–a visibly angry Donald Trump today demanded a full recount of the November presidential election “in all 55 states,” saying that his margin of victory had been badly underestimated.

“My numbers show that I defeated Hillary Clinton by more than one hundred million votes,” said Trump at an impromptu press conference. “They also show that I won more electoral votes than anyone else in history, and also that I placed first in the all-around women’s gymnastics in Rio.”

The Federal Election Commission, caught off-guard, released a statement later in the day denying the existence of Trump’s extra four states, which included North Idaho, Central Texas, West America, and Eastern West Virginia.

“The whole system is rigged,” said Trump, deftly executing a back handspring down the escalator at Trump Tower.

Carly Fiorina worried that her vice-presidential campaign is not gaining traction

10 Jul

SAN FRANCISCO–Carly Fiorina’s vice-presidential campaign is struggling, with little attention from the media and fundraising problems, sources close to Fiorina say. The candidate herself is said to be “concerned” that she may not be getting enough traction to be elected in November.

 

“I don’t know what the problem is,” said a top aide, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Carly is a great candidate–she speaks well, her policies are well-thought-through, and she appeals to groups across the political spectrum. But she just doesn’t seem to be making the headway that we thought she would.”

 

Fiorina announced her candidacy for vice-president in late April, and garnered significant media attention for a few weeks, with many calling her announcement–before the presidential primaries were even over–“bold” and even “unusual.” Since then, however, her rallies have been sparsely attended, and few donors have lined up behind her.

 

“I’d like to support her,” said Paul Singer, a wealthy Republican donor. “But…sorry, what are you asking me about again? Is this a trick question?”

Sources close to Fiorina say that she is “coming to accept that she may not be our next vice-president.”

Donald Trump clarifies that he was talking about former Secretary of Labor Robert Reich

12 Mar

NEW YORK–seeking to clear up a misunderstanding, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump explained that his comments last week were an endorsement “of my good friend Robert Reich,” referring to the Secretary of Labor in the Clinton administration.

“I know it’s fanciful, but I think it would be great if Robert Reich lived for a thousand years,” explained Trump. “I don’t know what you guys thought I was talking about.”

Trump also explained that he liked the Secretary so much that instead of candles on his next birthday cake, “we should all parade around with torches–that’s how excited I’ll be to celebrate.”

Finally, Trump expressed surprise that “anyone cares about how big my living room is. So I want to expand it a little–what’s the big deal?”

  
“So they’re waving,” said Trump. “What’s the big deal?”

Rubio: “Everything is going exactly according to plan”

9 Mar

MIAMI–Marco Rubio, fresh off two last-place finishes and two third-place finishes in Tuesday’s voting, announced to an excited crowd here today that “Everything is going exactly according to our plan,” and predicted a strong surge in performance in the coming weeks.

“Last night, America took another big step towards saying yes to President Rubio,” the candidate said, as the Hilton housekeeping staff vacuumed around him. “What are the two elections that everyone says really matter in the first half of the primary? Minnesota and Puerto Rico. Did we win Minnesota and Puerto Rico? Yes, we did.”

Rubio later assured major donors that his surprising collapse in support over the past two weeks, as he has fallen from a strong second-place finisher in most elections to a distant third or fourth, “is all part of the plan.”

“It’s hard to explain exactly what the plan is,” he explained on a conference call. “But we’ve got ’em exactly where we want ’em.”

“We got two third-place finishes last night,” added Rubio later in the call. “You know what they call someone who gets third place in the Olympics? A medallist, that’s what.”

Later in the day, the Rubio campaign unveiled a powerful new slogan, “The best alternative to Donald Trump and Ted Cruz, except for maybe John Kasich.”

  
“What a lot of people don’t yet understand is that I really, really want to be president,” said Rubio.

Rubio’s Minnesota-only strategy pays off handsomely

2 Mar

ST. PAUL, Minnesota—putting all doubts about his candidacy to rest, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) swept to victory last night in the Minnesota caucuses, with more than 41,000 votes and a solid margin of victory over Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.

“They said we couldn’t do it,” Rubio announced to an ecstatic crowd at his victory party here. “They said our exclusive focus on Minnesota would backfire, that we didn’t have a viable path to the nomination. And you know what I say to those people?” he continued, looking around for dramatic effect. “I say…twelve delegates in the bag.”

Terry Sullivan, Rubio’s campaign manager, was in a similarly upbeat mood. “There’s still some mopping up to do,” said Sullivan this morning in an exclusive interview with twissblog. “We need to win, you know, all the other states. But with Minnesota firmly in our column, I don’t think anyone has any doubts.”

Republican party elders, worried about the rise of Donald Trump, seemed immensely relieved by the results. “When I saw the AP call Minnesota for Marco, it was like a whole weight was lifted off my chest,” said Mitch McConnell. “Either that, or my heart attack was going away.”

Rubio renewed his appeal to Ted Cruz to drop out of the race. “I salute Ted’s service to the American people,” said Rubio towards the end of his speech. “But at this point in the race, he’s only won four states, and has less than twice the number of delegates I do. It’s time for the party to come together behind me.”

University of Alabama: “National championship is nice, but of course academics come first”

13 Jan

TUSCALOOSA, Alabama–students, staff, and local residents today celebrated the Crimson Tide’s latest national college football championship, displaying what one senior called “appropriate pride” in their victory over Clemson on Monday night, while never losing sight of the university’s primary mission, pushing back the frontiers of human knowledge and delivering a top-flight education to thousands of students.

“Sure, winning at football is nice,” said President Stuart Bell. “But obviously that’s just for fun. We all know why we’re here, which is to teach and conduct research.”

A.J. McCarron, a recent graduate of Alabama who played on the football team, seemed happy to hear the news that his former team had won the championship. “Wow, good for them,” said McCarron. “I hope it didn’t take too much time away from their studies.”

Students interviewed on campus shared this assessment. “I mean, good for them,” said Kristin Liebling, a biology major who had watched part of the game on Saturday. “It’s nice that students have a hobby to get them outside and get some exercise.”

Alabama Coach Nick Saban, who does not teach any other classes, but is dedicated full-time to football, congratulated his players yesterday, telling them that he hoped “they’d had fun this season, and that if any of them want to play again next fall, he’d be happy to work with them again.”
  
“Hopefully you guys brought your homework for when you’re not on the field.”

In historic first, meaningless Saudi elections include women

14 Dec

RIYADH–in what has been billed a historic step forward, Saudi Arabia this weekend allowed women to participate in the country’s completely meaningless elections.

“For the first time in our country’s history, I’m pleased to announce that women will be able to cast the same useless votes as men, and even run for election to powerless rubber-stamp bodies,” said Ibrahim bin Alaheed, Saudi Minister for Women’s Rights and Janitorial Services. “No longer will men’s voices be the only ones we ignore.”

Across the kingdom, women enthusiastically took advantage of the opportunity to ignore the elections to local councils, choosing instead to stay indoors and watch television.

“Am I pleased? Absolutely,” said Kefaya al-Ashreef. “Before, when my husband and I would laugh cynically about the elections, it never felt equal. Now, when I call this a meaningless charade, it feels so much more meaningful.”

In addition to giving women the right to vote and run for election, the Saudi government has announced its plans to expand the rights of the democratically elected local councils, giving them the right to choose the themes for their end-of-the-year gender-segregated mixers, and also increased control over the plant budget.

Donald Trump invokes “proud history of American racism” in calling for anti-Muslim policies

8 Dec

DES MOINES—speaking before a crowd of Iowa Republicans today, Donald Trump called for a ban on Muslim immigration to the United States, citing “our proud history of panicked bigotry” extending back to colonial times.

“When the early settlers committed genocide against the Native Americans, were they doing the wrong thing?” Trump asked the crowd rhetorically. “When the Confederacy routinely murdered African-American prisoners of war, do we judge them for that? When we interned thousands of Japanese-American children for no reason during World War II, do we look back and say, no, that was a mistake?”

Trump supporters were ecstatic. “It’s about time we dropped this whole equality thing, this whole human-rights thing,” said Dave Marlebone, a local precinct captain. “Freedom of religion has nothing to do with American history.”

Trump’s rivals were quick to condemn his incendiary speech. “This is a shocking, disgusting betrayal of American history and ideals,” said Gov. Chris Christie (R—NJ). “Unless it works out for him in the polls. Then maybe I’ll give it a whirl.”

Sen. Marco Rubio (R—FL) was also highly critical of Trump. “This sort of thing gives the Republican Party a bad name,” said Rubio in a television interview. “I’d rather people criticize us for misogyny and economic illiteracy.”

Trump’s speech lasted almost an hour. “Admit it,” he said at the end, looking directly into the cameras. “You want to see how far I can push this thing, don’t you?”

Obama pardons turkey; Ted Cruz steals it and rips it apart with his bare hands

25 Nov

DES MOINES, Iowa–seeking to enhance his agressive policy credentials, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) today not only criticized President Obama’s traditional pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey, but then proceeded to steal the bird, drive to Iowa, and then rip it apart with his bare hands at a senior center here in Des Moines.

As the elderly crowd did its best to chant “U.S.A! U.S.A!” Cruz not only killed the bird but then proceeded to wave it around his head, handing out feathers to a few children in attendance.

“Senator Cruz is just the right man for the job,” said Dave McCormack, an orderly working here at the Florence Williams Retirement Center. “He’s said he’s going to tear up ISIS the way he tore up that turkey, and why shouldn’t I believe him? I’ve seen it with my own eyes. No stronger proof than that.”

A patient-sounding spokesperson for Jeb Bush (R-FL, retired) explained that while the former Governor had no plans to kill anything himself, he was planning to tuck into a “tidy parcel of white meat, stuffing, and potatoes.” The spokesperson also noted that Bush had a sixty-two point plan to defeat ISIS, “or at least to inconvenience them to no small extent.” The plan included ordering many, many pizzas to be delivered to ISIS strongholds in Syria and Iraq, and also to apply for a number of personal loans and thereby ruin the terrorist organization’s credit rating.

While Cruz’s staff expressed satisfaction at the tough statement made with the turkey, they then exhibited some concern when Cruz seized the bird’s carcass, grabbed an assault rifle, and drove off into the hills, vowing that “they’ll never take me alive.”

“I think he really has his finger on the pulse of his supporters,” said an aide, hopefully.

  
“If you are an enemy of America, we will hunt you down, remove your little bag of giblets, and then fill you with bread stuffing,” said Cruz.

In weird coincidence, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all develop mysterious illness and withdraw from tonight’s debate

13 Oct

LAS VEGAS—only hours before the widely anticipated first debate of the Democratic primary race, four of the five candidates have mysteriously developed identical symptoms, forcing them to withdraw from the debate.

According to Dr. David Williams, head of the Las Vegas Medical and Sports Book Association, Bernie Sanders, Lincoln Chafee, Martin O’Malley, and Jim Webb all woke up in the middle of the night with rapid heart rates, dry skin, enlarged pupils, and disorientation, leaving their campaigns no choice but to cancel their planned appearances tonight.

“We haven’t diagnosed the exact problem yet,” said Williams. “The only thing that makes sense is some kind of mass psychosomatic illness. It seems strange, but the only alternative would be if somehow all four of them had ingested a rare Bulgarian-derived alkaline poison we haven’t seen since the Cold War.”

Happily, Hillary Clinton’s campaign reported that she is in “excellent health, and excited to take the stage for tonight’s debate.” Clinton was however apparently disappointed that she would be appearing alone, and so that instead of a vigorous debate she will instead have two hours to herself to say whatever she wants.

“I’m really sorry to hear that Jim Webb touched that door handle and picked up some kind of transdermic poison,” said Clinton. “I mean, if that’s what happened to him.”

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