Tag Archives: ukraine

Angela Merkel tells lifestyle program she is expanding her living room; European armies go on highest alert

11 May

BERLIN—tensions in Europe unexpectedly climbed several notches over the weekend when German Chancellor Angela Merkel, being interviewed on a popular lifestyle show here, revealed that she was planning a home renovation to significantly increase the size of her living room.

“Wir brauchen mehr Lebensraum,” Merkel said to Sarah Kuttner, host of the popular program Wochenenden zu Hause.

Immediately the armies of Poland, Russia, Ukraine, and France went on highest alert. Belgium attempted to put its army on highest alert, but he was at the dentist and could not immediately be contacted.

After the program, Merkel attempted to calm the waters by reassuring other countries that nothing was imminent. “We would not plan to launch this for another month or two,” she explained. “If we went now, our vehicles could get bogged down in the mud, while if we wait, we can still finish before winter.”

The situation only got worse when the Chancellor went on to talk about her vacation plans.

Vladimir Putin singlehandedly captures Ukrainian town of Debaltseve

19 Feb

Debaltseve—breaking a months-long stalemate in the war between the Ukrainian government and Russian-backed rebels, Vladimir Putin today captured the key Ukrainian town of Debaltseve, killing dozens of Ukrainian soldiers and pushing the bulk of the army several miles to the west.

“We were pinned down in street fighting, taking cover from enemy fire, when all of a sudden this shirtless guy gallops up on a horse,” said a rebel soldier named Yuri. “He charged straight at the enemy lines, disabled their riflemen with some amazing judo moves, then drove the rest of them back with throwing stars and a blowgun.”

The Russian government denied that there had been any involvement of the Russian government in Putin’s remarkable one-man assault. “While early reports suggest that indeed a man named Vladimir Vladimirovich broke the back of the CIA-backed spy army in Debaltseve, there is no reason to believe that he had any affiliation with the Russian government,” said a spokesman. “Although if he did, he would probably be a wise leader, full of strength and vision but also compassionate to the needs of the poor and the sick, loved by children, and trusted by animals.”

Shortly after reversing the tide of the Ukrainian civil war, Putin led a flock of migrating cranes to their winter breeding grounds, helped a local sawmill meet its quota by knocking over hundreds of trees with his bare hands, and then went scuba-diving in a nearby pond and found several ancient amphorae. He was unable to find an additional forty dollars per barrel of oil, however, as he had previously promised to do.

We had a hard time choosing between this classic photo and one of Putin shooting a whale with a crossbow.

Putin explains Russian soldiers in Ukraine “just got lost,” also document titled “Ukrainian invasion plan” just a typo

27 Aug

MOSCOW–hours after the Ukrainian government released video of elite Russian paratroopers captured outside Donetsk, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the crack soldiers “probably just got lost and wandered over the border.”

“It is easy to see how it would happen,” said Putin. “You’re out for some drinks, you’re wandering around, you accidentally scale four barbed-wire fences, tiptoe through a minefield, and drug a pack of German shepherds, and then you look up and–BAM–you’re in Ukraine without even realizing it.”

Putin also said that documents found on the soldiers, titled “Secret Plans for the Invasion of Ukraine by the Russian Military, Personally Approved by Vladimir Putin” were actually just copies of the class schedule for the Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness Studio, and that the title and detailed plans and maps were just a “typo.”

“They probably have a secretary over at Khabarovsk Yoga and Fitness who dropped something on her keyboard, and those were the random letters that were typed as a result,” explained Putin.

Finally, Putin explained that the fifteen thousand Russian soldiers streaming across the border shouting “Victory or Death!” this morning were just looking for a bathroom.

Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine”

23 Jul

MOSCOW–as pressure on Russia mounted over the recent downing of a civilian airliner, killing 298 people, President Vladimir Putin denied that he had ever supplied arms to rebels in, or ever heard of “this so-called Ukraine.”

“Look, I guess there must be something on our Western borders, but I sure don’t know what it is, and I’ve never been there,” said Putin. “I’d be afraid of falling off the edge of the world, or being eaten by a sea monster.”

Putin, speaking from horseback to reporters, said that “there is no way Russia could have supplied anti-aircraft missiles to rebels in–what did you call it? Hurricane?–because we have no such weapons ourselves.”

Asked about the “Made in Russia” stenciled on the backs of missiles seen in news photographs, Putin explained that they were “typos.”

Asked further about a note found in a crate of missiles that read, “Hello from Oleg, deputy foreman at the Export Division of Anti-Aircraft Missile Factory Number Three in Smolensk, Russia!”, Putin explained that “the experts are really not sure whether Smolensk is a real place, either.”

Putin added that Russia could not afford to build missiles. “As you can see here today, the country is so poor that I am unable to afford a shirt, and need to keep warm by flexing,” he explained.

Vladimir Putin speaking to reporters, immediately before beating an alligator to death with his bare hands

Pro-Russian demonstrators seize buildings in Boise, Idaho

6 May

BOISE—the Ukrainian crisis took a new and startling turn today as hundreds of pro-Russian demonstrators seized control of government buildings all across this mid-sized city.

“We have three demands,” said the newly self-appointed mayor, who gave his name only as “Dmitri Number One” and claimed to be a lifelong resident of Pocatello. “First, we demand complete independence from United States and full union with Mother Russia. Second, colder winters. And third, we demand to repel German invaders. If Germans do not wish to invade, you must make them, so that we can be covered in glory.”

Deposed mayor David Bieter expressed his anger at the change and his conviction that Moscow was behind the change. “This has the fingerprints of Bill Lambert, the mayor of Moscow, Idaho, all over it,” fumed Bieter. “He’s still mad that we didn’t cut him in on the Potato Days festival.”

No one could explain where a large group of Russian speakers demanding secession had come from, so suddenly. Most demonstrators refused to comment or could not speak English; those that could maintained that they had been born in Idaho and lived there for decades.

“Why so suspicious?” asked Mr. Number One, the new mayor, at a press conference. “Around world, everyone demands union with Russia. Is all one hundred percentage spontaneous, I assure you.” He spoke on the steps of the Boise town hall, now flying the Russian flag, in front of a backdrop of men in camouflage fatigues cradling rifles, shotguns, and millions of dollars of Warsaw Pact surface-to-air missiles. “Just some things we had at home,” explained the mayor.

Russia demands that Ukraine withdraw troops from Ukraine

3 May

MOSCOW—an angry Vladimir Putin today demanded that the Ukrainian government immediately “cease its incursion into Ukraine” and withdraw its troops.

“We demand that Ukraine respect its own territorial integrity, and remove the troops that it has sent into itself,” said Putin, speaking to competitors in a combined judo/equestrian/money-laundering competition being held here.

Putin then noted that the US Army had recently sent a battalion of troops from Fort Hood to Fort Bragg for training. “Also unacceptable,” he announced. “No agreements are possible while American soldiers are illegally occupying North Carolina.”

Putin said that as long as the Ukrainian army was deployed in Ukraine, Russia would refuse to abide by the terms of the recent Geneva agreement intended to calm the situation in the country. “And as you know, Russia only voids international agreements in case of extremity,” said Putin, “like a nuclear emergency, or it’s Tuesday, or I need a haircut.”

US upgrades Russia sanctions from “token” to “symbolic”

29 Apr

WASHINGTON–showing his usual flair for bare-knuckles diplomacy, President Obama today announced that he was ratcheting up sanctions against Russia, moving them from “token” to “symbolic” in response to continued agitation against Ukraine.

“Until now, I have focused our response on meaningless gestures of disapproval,” said Obama at a press conference. “Today, I’m taking the next step with a wide-ranging program of minor irritants.”

The State Department said the new list of sanctions included confiscating the frequent-flyer points of Russian officials, ineligibility for Two-for-One Tuesday’s at T.G.I. Friday’s, and a “pronounced slowdown” in talks to license HBO’s show “Girls” to air on Russian television.

Russian President Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment, according to his office, because he was busy horseback riding, deep-sea diving, parasailing, breaking boards with his head, and bear wrestling.

Vladimir Putin invades Ukraine, imprisons journalists, takes in a Clippers game

28 Apr

LOS ANGELES—in the middle of one of the biggest post-Cold War international crises, Russian President Vladimir Putin decided to relax today and watch the Los Angeles Clippers take on the Golden State Warriors in Game 4 of their playoff series.

The move surprised many Putin opponents inside and outside Russia. “The guy is so evil so much of the time, and then he does some normal-dude thing like cheering on the Clippers? Gotta respect that,” said Vice President Joe Biden.

Putin attended as a personal guest of Clippers owner Don Sterling and sat in his box. Wearing his usual relaxed attire of camouflage pants and no shirt, surrounded by several ancient amphorae, Putin seemed in a playful mood, occasionally pranking his seatmates by having goons beat them severely. There seemed to be excellent chemistry between him and Sterling, who kept smiling to each other and laughing.

After the game, which the Clippers lost, Putin expressed his desire to visit an American cattle ranch. “Maybe on government land in Nevada,” he said.

Fulfilling pledge of “toughest retaliation” for Crimea, EU cancels “Russian Night” in staff cafeteria

18 Mar

BRUSSELS–in a bold move showing Vladimir Putin that “Europe means business,” the EU announced that it was responding to Russia’s annexation of Crimea with the “biggest weapon in our diplomatic arsenal,” canceling this Thursday’s long-awaited “Russian Night” in the staff canteen.

The announcement was made by an anonymous weedy little man named Jacques, or George, or something, who is currently serving as the Deputy Second Assistant Minister for Cafeteria Affairs. By longstanding tradition, the DSAMCA position is rotated among Norway, Belgium, and a nice little sushi place in Lisbon.

EU staffers were excited, although also a little nervous, at the move. “I think Russia only expected a symbolic slap on the wrist,” said a woman with rimless glasses who is “very senior” in the European legislation-shipping business. “They were surprised when we closed the special matrioshka-doll exhibit two weeks early, and then this has them completely flat-footed.”

Putin had no immediate response to the EU’s move. His staff said that he was busy shooting. His staff later issued a clarification that he was busy shooting animals.

After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia

17 Mar

EDINBURGH–After what authorities are calling “significant confusion” over the format of the ballot, Scottish voters on Sunday overwhelmingly favored seceding from the United Kingdom and becoming a province of Russia.

“Apparently the ‘butterfly ballot’ design confused some voters,” admitted Angus McFinneran, chair of the Scottish Electoral Council, referring to the design which led many Scots to select the Russian option when they thought they were voting for enhanced autonomy within the UK and a greater share of oil revenues.

Many voters also admitted to having been confused by the Scottish pro-independence campaign, during which First Minister Alex Salmond was frequently photographed riding a horse shirtless and diving for ancient amphorae in the North Sea.

Under the terms of the referendum, all state-owned assets in Scotland were immediately sold for fifteen pounds to Vladimir Ivanov, owner of a small grocery store in Glasgow. “Totally transparent sales process,” said the new governor for the Russian province of Scotland, Vladimir Ivanov.

Vladimir Putin, when informed of the news, was surprised but nonetheless expressed his full support for the idea. He said something that might have been in a Scottish accent, or perhaps was Russian, and then drank an Irn-Bru and ate a deep-fried Mars Bar. “Who are we to stand in the way of Scottish self-determination?” he later said.

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