Tag Archives: united kingdom

David Cameron expects to be remembered primarily for his infrastructure policies

27 Jun

LONDON–UK prime minister David Cameron, in the final months of his tenure, has started to think about his legacy, sources close to the PM say. Cameron, a modest man, reportedly acknowledges that “most leaders are only remembered for one or two things,” and expects that his place in history will be defined primarily by his support for the continued development of UK rail and his thoughtful handling of the Israeli arms-embargo debate, sources close to the PM say.

“I don’t think there’s much else that people will bother with,” said Cameron. “It’s really going to be my unstinting support for gradual reforms to UK infrastructure and a business-as-usual approach to foreign policy. That’s probably going to be what people remember me for, the same way that when you hear the name Neville Chamberlain, you immediately think of the Coal Act of 1938 and not much else.”


Cameron went on to compare his legacy to those of other world leaders. “What do you think of when someone mentions Herbert Hoover? His leadership in negotiating a new treaty over the St. Lawrence Seaway, of course. And who can remember anything about Richard Nixon aside from the National Sickle-Cell Anemia Control Act of 1972?”

PM David Cameron: “At least nothing bad happened.”

Twissblog Brexit special

24 Jun

LONDON–in a surprise to experts, British voters chose overnight to leave the European Union by a surprisingly wide margin of 52% to 48%.

English voters chose Brexit by a wide margin, while Scotland voted heavily for remain. Scottish National Party leader Nicola Sturgeon confirmed that the SNP would immediately push for another referendum to secede from the UK and remain in the EU.

Edinburgh voters, meanwhile, were less sympathetic to the Remain campaign, and the Edinburgh Independence Party released a statement stating that it would be pushing for a vote to determine whether Edinburgh should remain part of Scotland in order to avoid leaving the UK.

The St. Andrews Civic Association, representing the prosperous section of the city where many businesses are headquartered, disavowed the EIP independence push, and announced that it was launching a campaign to leave Edinburgh in order to remain part of Scotland in order to exit the UK in order to remain part of Europe.

McClachey’s, a small coffee shop in the middle of St. Andrews Square, announced that it wanted no part of the “SACA’s twisted schemes,” and that it would secede from St. Andrews in order to remain part of Edinburgh.
David Gillies, who started at McClachey’s three weeks ago, said that the whole thing was “rubbish” and he was going to look for a job at Costa Coffee on the other side of the square.

In the meantime, UK Prime Minister David Cameron, who called the Brexit referendum despite opposing an EU departure, announced that he would resign in the coming months. Although he did not specify his future plans, he did say that he had an idea for a startup to deter thieves by placing thermonuclear devices inside cars that would go off if anyone tampers with the door locks.

Scotland votes to remain in United Kingdom for the weather and the food

19 Sep

EDINBURGH—after 307 years as part of the United Kingdom, Scotland came close to breaking away as an independent state on Thursday, before voting down secession by a 55-45 margin. In exit polls, Scottish voters cited their admiration for English cuisine, the attractive weather, and a healthy lifestyle as the principal reasons to remain united.

“Sure, I’d like to be independent,” said Angus McNae of Glasgow, minutes after casting his ballot. “But we would have to build our own dysfunctional multiparty system to replace the one we have now—it just doesn’t make sense.”

Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland and head of the Scottish National Party, made a lengthy concession speech, which unfortunately was completely unintelligible to journalists in attendance, but might have said something about freedom, or possibly something fried. It was very hard to tell.

Official reaction to the vote was muted. Officials of the Assembly of Newly Created Sovereign States expressed disappointment that Scotland would not be joining their group soon. “We just don’t understand why more countries don’t want to be like us,” said representatives of Kosovo, East Timor, and South Sudan.

IMG_0052-0.JPGScotland lost its independence in 1707 when its entire army deserted en masse to the English rather than “listen to those goddam bagpipes for one more goddam minute”

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