Tag Archives: united nations

Obama works up nerve to call Iranian president; “went well” but not sure if he “LIKES me-likes me”

28 Sep

NEW YORK—after exchanging notes during fourth-period study hall earlier in the day, President Obama called President Hassan Rouhani of Iran yesterday. The two spoke for about fifteen minutes and agreed that they would stay in touch.

“Boy, is Barack relieved,” said Vice-President Joe Biden. “He’d been working his nerve up to do this all week, you know? And I was, like, just call him already. What’s the worst thing that can happen, aside from alienating Israel and creating chaos in the Middle East?”

Several of Obama’s aides gathered in the Oval Office to listen in on the call and dissect it afterwards.

“I mean, I think Hassan likes him, you know? I just don’t know if he LIKES-him-likes-him,” said Secretary of State John Kerry. “Afterwards, we spent a lot of time with Barack drafting text messages to send Hassan, but none of them had exactly the right tone, so we decided to just play it cool, you know?”

Towards the end of the call, sources report, Obama suggested that he and Rouhani could “maybe go to the mall some time, or, you know, thrash out a comprehensive monitoring program for uranium enrichment.” Rouhani was apparently encouraging but non-committal.

But, still, “this is a big step forward,” said Biden. “If Barack can get on the phone to Hassan, maybe eventually he’ll work his way up to calling someone really intimidating, like the House Republicans.”

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At UN, Obama pledges “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes”

24 Sep

NEW YORK—in a masterful speech today at the opening of the United Nations General Assembly, President Obama promised that he would engage in “as much ineffectual diplomacy as it takes” to postpone “tough decisions” until after he leaves office.

“Let there be no confusion,” said Obama in stirring tones. “I will kick this can down the road for as long as there is road to kick down.”

For supporters, it was a return to the kind of bold oratory that marked his 2008 campaign, “brilliantly fused” with his timid approach to governing since.

“I’m just delighted that instead of half-hearted, empty words, we are back to Churchillian, inspiring, empty words,” gushed supporter Karen McAdams of Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Leaders from around the world were quick to support Obama’s proposals for “lengthy, futile talks” to resolve conflicts in Iran, Syria, and Israel/Palestine.

“The President has shown us a path that, hopefully, will let us all slink off the stage without any real accountability for sorting this mess out,” said re-elected Chancellor Angela Merkel. “This kind of leadership could really save our sausage,” she added, using one of the two hundred German words for sausage.

President Bashir Al-Assad of Syria was also pleased. “This is the kind of international cooperation I can live with,” he said, while discussing his plan to give up his chemical weapons by 2046.

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United Nations warns Syria that it faces a stiff warning

9 Apr

NEW YORK–in a bold move, the United Nations Security Council today warned the Syrian government that continued human-rights violations could lead to a series of further warnings.

“Make no mistake,” said Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. “If the Syrian regime continues to kill unarmed civilians, commit ethnic cleansing, and use hunger and terror as weapons, the United Nations will not hesitate to issue strongly-worded press releases.” Ki-Moon went on to add that the international body would condemn genocide “as many times as it takes” until the government changed its behavior, or until the Sun burned out and the Earth became a lifeless icy husk.

The UN statement also had harsh words for the Syrian rebels, who also stand accused of war crimes. “If we continue to receive credible reports of violations, we will have no choice but to send investigators to rebel-held territory, where they will sit in their hotel rooms, unable to move for security reasons, until we choose to withdraw them,” said Ki-Moon.

Observers were surprised by the strength of the UN’s warning. “We were all expecting a mild slap on the wrist,” said Wolf Blitzer. “But this moderate slap on the wrist–it’s unprecedented.”

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